Raged at for 5 consecutive days with no end in sight!

[GrayJay]

I am nearly at my wit's end: my uBPDw has set a new record by raging at me every day for 5 consecutive days. And for the past 3 weeks, she's raged at me 11 days. I can't take much more. And looming ahead - in 1 week, we are going on a 16 day road trip together, planned and paid for long ago, with house sitters from out of state staying at our house so we can't back out. And two weeks later we have out of state visitors coming for a week. Only after that, a bit more than 6 weeks from now, will I be able to take action and probably move out. She said she wants me to go away from the house for two weeks at that time so we (mostly her) can decide whether to stay in the relationship or not. I think I already very clearly see the writing on the wall. My therapist, with whom I have met more than 40 times, says he thinks our marriage is hopeless, but if she goes into therapy there may be a 25% chance of fixing things. My wife refuses to speak with my therapist or go to couples counseling. She got on a wait list with a therapist a few months ago who said she could probably start in April or May, but she hasn't heard back from the therapist and refuses to call to find out if she can start meeting.

Backing up a bit - I have written about my problems in some other posts, but here is a very brief outline. We have been married 33 years and have two adult children: a 31 year old son who has a 17 month old son, and a 29 year old daughter. My son lives nearby but my daughter is in another state far away. My wife was born overseas and has been a naturalized U.S. citizen for 29 years, but most of her family is scattered in other countries. After marriage, we lived in Texas, Louisiana, Egypt, and Norway. We took our young children with us on our 7.5 years overseas. Marriage has been fun, strenuous, challenging, but mostly very good, at least from my perspective. But after retiring 9 years ago her infrequent emotional outbursts became more and more frequent, until the last few years when it has gotten pretty awful. She went into EMDR which is supposed to heal trauma (she had a difficult childhood, being emotionally and physically abused, and considers herself the scapegoat (victim role) of the family) but it made her far more sensitized and I think it made her trauma much worse. She would be hurt/angry for a day or two after each session. Gradually over the years she has told me more and more about how awful her childhood was. She was a stay-at-home mom for the most part, and a devoted wife and mother. I had a demanding job, frequently facing (and escaping) layoffs, and now we are pretty secure financially. But since she has been in therapy, she has re-interpreted our entire marriage: I financially impoverished her, I did not spend enough time with the kids, I did not emotionally support her, and now her thing is that I am a covert narcissist (my therapist says I'm not), Asperger's autistic (may be true, but mild), and a flirt and predator who is looking at hooking up with people my daughter's age all the way up to silver-haired women who would be a mother figure to me and only want me for money. This last thing, the flirt and predator, is the final straw. I have assured her many times that I don't want anyone else. She doubts that I would care for her if she gets ill (I would - but she says I would only do that to look like a "good man.") She puts me in lose-lose situations over and over again. Recently she has called me names such as "snake in a box," "reptile," "pathetic little man," etc.

I have read several books (Stop Walking on Eggshells, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, "Us" by Terry Real, a Gottman book on the 7 keys to marriage, and others. I have read many articles and especially relied on this wonderful web site. I journal. I try mindfulness and acceptance. I try to validate, show empathy, not escalate, gently go away when she is raging (usually unsuccessfully because it makes her angrier), not JADE; maybe I'm not doing these things properly. I'm running out of tools. I practically plead with her to be patient and gently suggest she should return to therapy.  Just more anger and rage. And she's already starting a smear campaign against me with her family and two of her closest friends. To them, our problems are 100% my fault.

So now we're eating our meals separately and trying to avoid each other in the house. As soon as I enter her presence, she is triggered and she starts her anger again. I feel so sad, so empty, so alone. It is finally hitting me that there is practically no chance for reconciliation. Just writing this post is helping to clarify that. I want to, but she just wants to vent and pour out her anger at me. I am so sad and feel like a failure, a loser.

This post is just a chance for me to vent, but I really appreciate that this is a safe and sympathetic/empathetic place to do so.

Does anyone have advice on how to cope? Am I deluded? How do I survive the next 6 weeks? And after that, if we separate, it will be a long, slow, expensive process because we live in a large house stuffed with possessions. That is going to extend the agony for at least a year or two, so going No Contact is not an option. I'm in my late 60s, and starting over at this age is very demoralizing. I'm certainly not looking for another woman. I need peace, solitude, serenity, and a supportive life with friends.

[ForeverDad]

If you could have fixed her issues, you would have been able to do that years ago.  The reality is you can't fix her, she would have to want to do that herself and, yes, therapy is the way to work toward that goal.  Two approaches are Dialectical or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (DBT or CBT).  It seems therapists don't specifically mention which approach they take but it would take a lot of therapy, usually years, to attain a measure of recovery.

If you are in the USA or similar countries, you will find that each state or province has common processes though with some local variations.  An excellent handbook for separation and divorce is Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy.

The overall goal is that you are able to walk away with the 'least bad" outcome.

[zachira]

I have experienced lots of childhood abuse and ongoing abuse from a large extended narcissistic family. I did EMDR therapy and at first I was having terrible disassociation for around a week afterwards. My therapist went for a consult and was told that the length of an EMDR session is supposed to be 1 1/2 hours not 1 hour like my therapist was doing, that the therapist needs time to put the client back together before leaving. My therapist extended the session to the recommended 1 1/2 hours, and I was fine after that. The EMDR helped me more than anything to heal from my traumas and emotional dysregulations. Unfortunately my therapist quit doing EMDR, because she said it was too dysregulating for most clients. She replaced the EMDR with Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) because it is a gentler approach to help clients heal, and says it really works. If your wife does agree to go to therapy and there seems a small chance she might, it is essential she get the right kind of help.

[Pook075]

Does anyone have advice on how to cope? Am I deluded? How do I survive the next 6 weeks? And after that, if we separate, it will be a long, slow, expensive process because we live in a large house stuffed with possessions. That is going to extend the agony for at least a year or two, so going No Contact is not an option.

I'm so sorry you're in this position, but for now you must take things one day at a time.

Okay, first hurdle- the two week vacation.  Do you have to go with your wife?  Could you stay home with the out of state house sitters?  Or could you go somewhere else during that time?  There are many options there and its senseless to say that you HAVE TO go because you paid for it in advance. 

Worst case scenario, you lose out on some money you spent.  That's not life-altering.

You also have some visitors coming after that- and I'm going to say the exact same thing.  Tell them not to come, or go stay somewhere else while they visit, or go visit them while your wife takes the vacation with someone else.  There are many, many other options to choose here.

Worst case scenario, you tell some friends that your marriage is collapsing and you're unsure what to do next.  And that's not a bad thing honestly, bringing these problems to light.

You mentioned that your wife has been raging all week- why?  Have you considered leaving for a few days right now?  Or even getting up early in the morning and going anywhere- to a local park, movie theater, mall or a library?  You don't have to stand there and just take abuse, my friend.  It's healthier for both of you to put some distance on this.

[ForeverDad]

Over on our Tools & Skills Workshops board we have a few topics on Boundaries.  PwBPD traits don't respect boundaries so boundaries are for us.

Basically, boundaries define what we will do in response to the other's poor behavior.  A very simplistic example is, "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."

We don't have to sit and suffer when faced with rants and rages.  The boundary can be that if you feel the conversation has degenerated then you will exit, go to the park, walk the dog, go shopping, etc and return when the person has calmed, hopefully.

If the children are minors, then try to take the kids with you, though often the other parent will obstruct that.

[GrayJay]

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I really appreciate your insights.

Well, the last four or five days have been pretty peaceful and she has been seeming eager to go on this trip - until three or four hours ago. I don’t know what triggered it, maybe just anticipation that we are leaving tomorrow, but she is spiraling very badly.

She’s out for a walk now and says she doesn’t want to see my face for the rest of the day. We met the housesitters this afternoon. They’re coming tomorrow morning, and so our plans are proceeding. My probably foolish hope is that she will settle down overnight as she often does. But she sent me a ridiculously large number (dozens) of damning Facebook reels about people married to covert narcissists, and people who cheat on their wives, and people who can’t be trusted, and people who flirt, who emotionally abuse their wives, on and on and on.

I have never cheated on her and never would, although a few weeks ago in a restaurant she thought I was glancing repeatedly at a young woman sitting not far away. I noticed her, but that’s about all.  Afterwards, I couldn’t have told you what she looked like or what she was even wearing.  To my wife I was committing emotional adultery, which she conveniently says is worse than physical adultery, and proof that I am looking for another woman and will soon be married to a woman who wants me only for my money. Is shocking and very sad.

Some of the reels are about husbands who refuse to talk, who completely stonewall, and I’m not doing any of that. I don’t even know why she is sending me these posts which don’t describe my behavior or attitudes at all, which she thinks they are true about me. I am responding with support and empathy, along with a few truth statements here and there, disagreeing with the conclusions of some of the posts. (There are just too many posts to respond to all of them.) But I am trying to reassure her repeatedly that I want to work on the marriage and stay in the marriage, which she accuses me of wanting to leave. It’s just mind-boggling.

I have even started an online marriage repair and enhancement class, which had been giving me a lot of hope andwhich is pretty intensive. She refuses to participate, but seemed glad that I was doing it. Now she says that I can put those tools to use in my next marriage! So hard to fathom.

Oh well, wish me luck for the next 16 days!

[ForeverDad]

Well, the last four or five days have been pretty peaceful and she has been seeming eager to go on this trip - until three or four hours ago. I don’t know what triggered it, maybe just anticipation that we are leaving tomorrow, but she is spiraling very badly.

There are any number of triggers that people with BPD traits may have.  And packing for vacation - or harping on the other for prepping for vacation - is just one of a long list of common triggers.

My ex is very time sensitive and I am more relaxed.  When her disordered side developed, I learned that prepping for a trip made her exceedingly anxious and she would slip into excessive complaints.  That in itself was not that concerning but added onto everything else, I couldn't forget it.  Then again, it wasn't that which was the last straw on the camel's back that broke my marriage.

Other common triggers are when your spouse sees you in scenarios where jealousy is imagined, however improbable, what you say, what you don't say, what you do, what you don't do, etc.  Also, my ex was always upset with me whenever I was calm and logical.  That didn't fit in her excessively emotional perceptions.  Perceptions over facts.

[GrayJay]

Mini update: I am now on a 16 day road trip with my wife and she is spiraling out of control. She raged at me most of yesterday and threatened to stay behind, but we have house sitters from out of state staying in our house. Today we had to pull off the highway because she was threatening suicide and asked to go to a psychiatric ward. She almost jumped out of the car at highway speed. She was howling and wailing like I’ve never heard before. Later, she said we could continue driving, but she is repeatedly threatening divorce.  We’ve been married 33 years and have 2 adult children.

We arrived at our first destination and she wants to stay in this town alone while I continue the trip (reservations prepaid). She is staying downstairs and I’m upstairs, and she doesn’t want to see me at all. We only have one car so we may have to find another place for her to stay after this, and a rental car. Stay together or stay separately on this trip - either way she’ll turn it into a lose-lose proposition.

I see no way to avoid divorce. I talked as patiently and empathetically as I could, but she is mocking me and calling me cruel names, saying our marriage has been nothing but abuse from me. (8 hours of this just today.) To the outside world we look like an ideal couple, and although it’s getting much worse, we had many wonderful years together. She no longer admits that.

Not sure how we’ll survive the coming days and weeks. I have never been in such a desperate predicament. We are both heartbroken.

[ForeverDad]

In the final year or two of my marriage my ex was also prone to rant and rage when we were secluded together in our car.  At me.  At the people we would be meeting in the congregation.  Then we'd arrive and she would morph into all smiles to put a public face for everyone else.  Meanwhile I was crushed and she'd criticize me for not being able to plaster a smile on my face.

Lots happened in that final year or so, best left in the past I guess.  The trigger in my case was that we had a son and I was belatedly learning that echoes of her stepfather's abuse were impacting her now that I had become a father.

Makes me wonder, can you ponder over the recent past and identify whatever triggers or traumas fueled the recent uptick of disordered chaos?  Did either of you recently retire?  Did a child move out?  It could be most anything, or maybe a combination of somethings.  However, best not to worry too much about the details, if you ever manage to figure it out.  Mental illness is often illogical and facts are too logical.  It just is.  So now focus on what you can do for the future.  Even a divorce is not a calamity, it may just be the solution for what happens to this distressed relationship.  Distance apart does reduce the discord and distress, doesn't mean things are all better but the conflict does fade a bit.

Don't guilt yourself over the reality that the road trip can't work as originally planned.  Maybe she'll be less distressed if she takes things at a slower pace, maybe even on her own.

If she does want psychiatric help, that's not a bad thing either.  Might be a good thing.

[Pook075]

Today we had to pull off the highway because she was threatening suicide and asked to go to a psychiatric ward. She almost jumped out of the car at highway speed. She was howling and wailing like I’ve never heard before. Later, she said we could continue driving, but she is repeatedly threatening divorce.  We’ve been married 33 years and have 2 adult children.

Please hear me on this.  When someone threatens suicide and asks to be hospitalized, you should listen to them.  She is in crisis and needs immediate help.

I understand that you're on vacation.  I understand that you hope to save your marriage, and that all of this trip is pre-booked and paid for.  But in the grand scheme of things, none of that matters if your wife is suicidal and begging for professional help.  You must get her help ASAP.

[GrayJay]

ForeverDad, the recent trigger was the restaurant incident I described in my June 15 post. She has many other triggers, such as feeling I got better Fathers’ Day wishes from our adult children than the Mothers’ Day wishes she got. But a slow, steady (until the last 2 years) deterioration began when we retired 9 years ago. The restaurant issue is so baffling to me because she is so sure that I was hitting on some woman in order to antagonize my wife. I never even made eye contact. She has raged about this countless times in the 3 weeks since, and says the next time I do it the marriage is over. She refuses to eat in a restaurant with me now and for the foreseeable future.

And Pook075, you are absolutely right. I tried to turn around and go to the nearest hospital, but she refused in no uncertain terms.  So we talked for quite awhile and eventually she said to continue on our way. I was so shocked by her behavior that I did exactly what she wanted. Next time I will call the suicide hotline and/or get her to a hospital.

We had a relatively calm but still tense evening. Before heading off to her room for the night, she said she will need to leave me because I’m incapable of changing. Tomorrow we are going on a strenuous hike which is super helpful for her emotional state, but I know it’s a short-term fix. Still, I will be very grateful for a few hours of (likely) peace. It’s not one day at a time - it’s one hour or even one minute at a time.

[maxsterling]

Wow.  I can relate here.  My wife raged for two days on a vacation.  Being in a different state with an 8 hour drive to home with limited resources made this almost impossible.  Had we been home, I would have had more options for boundaries.  And being in the most remote smallest of towns, I could not put her on a plane or bus, could not rent her a car, and could not get her into a hospital.  And I had two kids under 10 to deal with as well.

In the end, I drove home, a day early, along the most well-traveled roads I could (took an extra hour just to be on a main highway).  The drive home was hell.  While she was not raging the whole way home, she was verbally abusive the whole way home. 

Since your W made statements about wanting to harm herself and wanting treatment, I suggest pulling up to an emergency room, going inside, and stating that you need immediate help for a psychiatric issue.  She will probably rage or try to run away, but doing that in front of an emergency room is a good thing as they surely will admit her.  This plan was my last resort on my drive home, but local crisis and emergency personnel told me in that jurisdiction she would have to agree to treatment - otherwise they have to witness the emergency it in order to take action.

I feel for you.  Keep us updated.