How to Proceed.

[TheOnlyOneLeft]

I just began reading the walking on eggshells book and don’t yet have all the tools I need and how to proceed in a situation I have happening with my BPD sister.

A long story short, the main issue at the moment is during her last rage she began attacking my husband and marriage in a verbally and emotionally abusive way. And continually cross my boundary when I told her to stop. I then placed the boundary that I was no longer willing to communicate or move forward with a relationship until she apologized for the way she was speaking about my husband and marriage, and agreed to no longer bring her concerns up.

After a period of neither of us speaking, she ended up reaching out, saying she was getting back together with her abusive ex-husband. I want to be clear that she has shown me photos of bruises. He has left on her, meanwhile, she has no evidence that I am mistreated in any way. And of course, she won’t believe that I actually have a very healthy, respectful marriage.

When I responded, I told her that as concerned as I was to hear she was getting back together with her husband. I was still not willing to further communicate or have a relationship until she apologized for XYZ. 
She gave me a short and basic apology, which is improvement, however, immediately followed it up with I do not get to talk about my concerns for her marriage if she doesn’t get to talk about mine.

I did not respond, and now a week later she messaged me again with a very casual text. I told her I needed clarification on whether her last text meant that she expects to be able to talk about my marriage going forward. She did clarify and say that she meant what she said in the way, she said it, which was because she can’t talk about mine. I can’t talk about hers.

I’m struggling with how to proceed, because I know there is a legitimate valid concern that I have for her or as there’s not one for me. And I don’t know how to remain silent when she is about to put herself and her children back into a potentially dangerous situation.
She sent a follow up message with
“ Look. I’m moving forward with my life the best I know how to do. A lot of stuff has happened, a lot, that I haven’t talked to you about (and might not). I do not have a support system. This world is not built for single mothers, even less so than it was when Jacoby was little. I do not have one single family member whose help and moral support I can rely on. I am a tough person but I am human.

What I can tell you is the fall from grace hurts more than I let on. All I ever wanted was a family. So we are doing months worth of therapy and I’m giving it another go while we live in separate residences and share parenting time. Which I hope is the ticket to actually working out some obviously deep issues.

If you do not mind, I’d really just like to get on with having a sister. Showing you my embroidery might seem casual to you but it’s not to me. I don’t do Facebook or instagram or any other social media. So if I show you a picture of something I have put a lot of hours and effort into, it is not casual.”

Any advice is appreciated in how to respond, and in what way to move forward.

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this board. I can share some experiences with a mother with BPD, not a sibling, but perhaps this can help.

I think it's important to have boundaries but boundaries are for us, not something we impose on someone else. If the boundary is- she needs to apologize (in a way that feels like an apology to you)- that is asking her to do something. This isn't unsreasonable- if it is that important to you. But your part of the boundary is how to decide your actions. If it's that you don't communicate until she apologizes- that's your boundary.

However, with BPD, there's distorted thinking and victim perspective (see the Karpman triangle) so getting an actual apology may be a challenge since pwBPD see themselves as a victim, not having something to apologize for. An apology is important - but you also need to decide if your sister's sort of apolgy is the best she is capable of.

Another boundary is to not discuss your marriage. If she brings it up again, find some way to get off the conversation, change the subject, politely get off the phone and say " I think it's best that we don't discuss our relationships". This also goes both ways. She's asked you to not discuss hers- even if you have concerns.

It's difficult to see someone we care about in an abusive relationship but if someone is legally competent- they are allowed to make their own relationship decisions. If you see evidence that the child is being abused- you can contact child protective services. I agree that an abusive relationship is a big concern but it's also a complicated situation and you may have little power to influence your sister.

The message your sister sent is from victim perspective. It's so hard being single, I have nobody--- etc. This is how your sister perceives things. The distorted thinking affects all relationships. On your part, you will need to decide on your boundaries - how much you want to share with her, how much contact to have with her.

A message back like " I am your sister and care about you. Although I have concerns about your decision to reconnect with X, I understand that it is your decision to make. I agree, it's best we don't discuss our marriages and just get on with being sisters"  is one suggestion.