Mother in assisted living now

[Our abuse recovery guide]

It's been a few weeks since I've been here because we were helping mother sort through her lifetime of "things".  Since moving to assisted living means "downsizing", she had to make some decisions about what to take with her.  We had to box it all up for her to move, throw out, or donate.  Anyone who's ever had to go through an entire lifetime of things and memories of a BPD mother will understand the scope of the task physically and emotionally. 

We moved her stuff and unpacked it all and set up her apartment to be a reproduction of her house.  In terms of decorating I went to immense effort to make it comfortable for her. One example: I went to the extent of taking a picture of all the "stuff" on the front of her fridge (magnets and pictures) and reproducing it exactly on her new fridge.  It took an hour.  (I try too hard.)

Then we moved her.

In her words "I didn't know you could do something like this".  A backhanded compliment that I decided to accept.

A few days later: of course she's not happy.  Bawling.  Angry.  More bawling.  More anger.  Texting us her demands for all kinds of things, and called my dear husband (who's been taking her to appointments, maintaining her home repairs, and getting her groceries for the 3 years since I couldn't emotionally do it anymore) a "dummy". 

So we ignored her until the weekend, as the texts continued to come (we ignored). 

Then yesterday, we brought her the things she demanded.

But not until I called her on her behavior.  And I didn't hold back on the facts.

I pointed out that for a month we put our life on hold.  Spread my arms around her new apartment, to show her the effort we put in.  Took time off work to move her.  And she responds by calling my H a "dummy"?

She laughed.

At first.

So then I reminded her how "mean" she is.  And that she had promised in the hospital while rehabilitating from her fall out of bed, that she wouldn't be mean anymore.   (While we know this isn't possible, it was our way of showing her that she failed at her promise to "not be mean").

Then I told her that what I wanted was a "mom".  And not _______ ___________ (her father's name who was mean and abused her). I pointed out that she's just like him.

Then I named family friends who don't treat their children the way she treats us, such as "dummy".

I wasn't unkind when I did it.   I was stating the facts.  I told her how disappointed in her I was for her continued meanness, and for calling my H a "dummy" .  (Not that it matters, but for the record, he's a calculus instructor and no "dummy".)

Outside, with staff, I shared what was going on.  Since she arrived mid-April, they already figured out she's "complicated".  They knew she wasn't eating (I had warned them she's an anorexic on the low end of the spectrum). They already observed she was struggling emotionally, and I confirmed it, and explained her lifelong mood disorder, which always ended in her dumping her toxic feelings on me (and more recently my husband).
They were completely supportive.  One of them shared she also grew up in an abusive household, and told me (H was upstairs with mom still) to go home and take care of ourselves, and they would look after mom, and that they had "strong shoulders" and were used to this with the residents.

OMG.  First time in my life someone else has been responsible for her.  TG.

So I went upstairs with the worker and told mom we were going to say good bye and mom said "good", emphatically.  The next thing I heard the worker say was how lucky she was to have us as kids, and that she had the most beautiful apartment in the whole complex, and how hard we had worked to make it that way for her.

The next day I got this text from her:

"Nothing is more precious than family.  When I saw that plastic cup you brought I know you both care."

I didn't reply. Plastic cup?  Really?

Any feedback or suggestions?

I am at the point where I just can't stand her.  She's an awful person.  I'm ashamed to call her my mother.  And it just hurts so much that after all my H has done to support her, she's resorted to calling him names when he doesn't "jump" to do her bidding, after insulting him.

Having said that, I am so thankful she's in assisted living.  She got accepted there because she stated in the hospital that she would either go into assisted living or commit suicide.  We also declared to the local health authority that we couldn't be her caretakers any more.  There was a time that I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel, and thought she would die in her home leaving us responsible for keeping her "going" in her own home forever. 

Now, while the abuse towards us continues, at least she's in "care".  That's a world of relief.

But she is still pi_ _ ing me off, big time, and making me miserable.  If I've never been able to stand up for myself, I found the courage to stand up for my H.

[Methuen]

It's been a few weeks since I've been here because we were helping mother sort through her lifetime of "things".  Since moving to assisted living means "downsizing", she had to make some decisions about what to take with her.  We had to box it all up for her to move, throw out, or donate.  Anyone who's ever had to go through an entire lifetime of things and memories of a BPD mother will understand the scope of the task physically and emotionally. 

We moved her stuff and unpacked it all and set up her apartment to be a reproduction of her house.  In terms of decorating I went to immense effort to make it comfortable for her. One example: I went to the extent of taking a picture of all the "stuff" on the front of her fridge (magnets and pictures) and reproducing it exactly on her new fridge.  It took an hour.  (I try too hard.)

Then we moved her.

In her words "I didn't know you could do something like this".  A backhanded compliment that I decided to accept.

A few days later: of course she's not happy.  Bawling.  Angry.  More bawling.  More anger.  Texting us her demands for all kinds of things, and called my dear husband (who's been taking her to appointments, maintaining her home repairs, and getting her groceries for the 3 years since I couldn't emotionally do it anymore) a "dummy". 

So we ignored her until the weekend, as the texts continued to come (we ignored). 

Then yesterday, we brought her the things she demanded.

But not until I called her on her behavior.  And I didn't hold back on the facts.

I pointed out that for a month we put our life on hold.  Spread my arms around her new apartment, to show her the effort we put in.  Took time off work to move her.  And she responds by calling my H a "dummy"?

She laughed.

At first.

So then I reminded her how "mean" she is.  And that she had promised in the hospital while rehabilitating from her fall out of bed, that she wouldn't be mean anymore.   (While we know this isn't possible, it was our way of showing her that she failed at her promise to "not be mean").

Then I told her that what I wanted was a "mom".  And not _______ ___________ (her father's name who was mean and abused her). I pointed out that she's just like him.

Then I named family friends who don't treat their children the way she treats us, such as "dummy".

I wasn't unkind when I did it.   I was stating the facts.  I told her how disappointed in her I was for her continued meanness, and for calling my H a "dummy" .  (Not that it matters, but for the record, he's a calculus instructor and no "dummy".)

Outside, with staff, I shared what was going on.  Since she arrived mid-April, they already figured out she's "complicated".  They knew she wasn't eating (I had warned them she's an anorexic on the low end of the spectrum). They already observed she was struggling emotionally, and I confirmed it, and explained her lifelong mood disorder, which always ended in her dumping her toxic feelings on me (and more recently my husband).
They were completely supportive.  One of them shared she also grew up in an abusive household, and told me (H was upstairs with mom still) to go home and take care of ourselves, and they would look after mom, and that they had "strong shoulders" and were used to this with the residents.

OMG.  First time in my life someone else has been responsible for her.  TG.

So I went upstairs with the worker and told mom we were going to say good bye and mom said "good", emphatically.  The next thing I heard the worker say was how lucky she was to have us as kids, and that she had the most beautiful apartment in the whole complex, and how hard we had worked to make it that way for her.

The next day I got this text from her:

"Nothing is more precious than family.  When I saw that plastic cup you brought I know you both care."

I didn't reply. Plastic cup?  Really?

Any feedback or suggestions?

I am at the point where I just can't stand her.  She's an awful person.  I'm ashamed to call her my mother.  And it just hurts so much that after all my H has done to support her, she's resorted to calling him names when he doesn't "jump" to do her bidding, after insulting him.

Having said that, I am so thankful she's in assisted living.  She got accepted there because she stated in the hospital that she would either go into assisted living or commit suicide.  We also declared to the local health authority that we couldn't be her caretakers any more.  There was a time that I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel, and thought she would die in her home leaving us responsible for keeping her "going" in her own home forever. 

Now, while the abuse towards us continues, at least she's in "care".  That's a world of relief.

But she is still pi_ _ ing me off, big time, and making me miserable.  If I've never been able to stand up for myself, I found the courage to stand up for my H.

[zachira]

Methuen,
I am so glad to hear that your mother is finally in assisted living. Sometimes when we are exiting an abusive situation, all kinds of uncomfortable feelings come up, which don't allow us to feel as good as we would like to right away. Hopefully, there will be more feelings of relief as time goes on, knowing that you and your husband are no longer prisoners of being the first resort to look after your mother and that she is well cared for in assisted living.

[Lalisa]

Oh Methuen, I am so so happy for you and your family. I know the move has been tough and it has not 'fixed' your mother's moods and behaviour but you now have support from the care staff and the peace of mind that you are not solely responsible for her. I am so glad you spoke honestly with her about her bad behaviour. My mother was also horrible to my husband and treated him like dirt - it hurts so much but we have to put boundries in place.
My mother moved into a care home last August and I feel like a giant weight has been lifted. Things are not perfect but her BPD behaviours have calmed down because I think a lot of it was linked to fear and loneliness. Its not perfect but it's manageable and I can go on holidays for the first time in my life and not worry about suicide threats or all the other drama. Wishing you all the best as you move throught this new period.

[Notwendy]

This is a big step in the right direction for both of you. BPD mother will get the care she needs and you won't be responsible for so much of it. Glad this happened for you!

Still, wherever she is, she still has BPD. How she relates to people doesn't change.

This is an adjustement for her. It would be for any elderly person who is no longer in their own home, and is in a new unfamilar place. My BPD mother's behaviors were escalated right after she moved in.

You know this is what your mother needed and that it is best for her. It was also what my BPD mother needed- after she almost got herself evicted before moving into assisted living but her version was that "her family forced her out of her home".

I'd ignore that plastic cup comment. It makes no sense. Just put it in the category of projected feelings. As to all the work you did and calling your H a dummy- we had a similar pattern too. Whatever I did to try to help my mother-she'd report something I did or didn't do that displeased her.

This is also a big change for you. Think about this- as children, we were raised with the expectation to please our mothers. This was a form of validation and also security- which to a child is survival. "As long as I am pleasing mother, as long as I am doing things for her- I will be OK" was a part of our magical thinking. For my BPD mother- having people "do things for her" met an emotional need, and so being in servitude to her was a way to relate to her.

Now that your mother's basic needs at assisted living are met, this is a change in the dynamic for both of you. It's a positive for you but it is also a change- for you to adjust to as well. Assisted living will take a lot of the physical demands for you but emotionally- there's still that relationship and she still has BPD.

So glad this happened for you and your H though! It is going to be a big help.





 

[Methuen]

Thanks for the well wishes.

I feel like I need some space from my mom.  I had a BIG dose 20+ hours a week for 4+ weeks to help her move.  Then she called my H a dummy, and implied other daughters and people do  more for her than I/we have done.

This weekend is two family birthdays.  One is mine. She will expect me to go see her on my birthday so that I can listen to her complain, and cry, and/or accuse/blame/insult me or H.  But I really need a "break" from her.  So why do I feel badly about not wanting to see her.  What is the right thing to do here?

The following weekend is Mother's Day.  It's a double whammy on two back to back weekends. I became her dumping ground for all her toxic feelings around 25 years ago when my father became ill, and eventually died.  I now suspect he used to be her "dumping ground" which I started to observe more during his lengthy illness. She was mean to him and called him a retard. Since his death my job as a daughter was to serve my mother's every need.  I tried to do this until I burned out.  As she aged, her BPD only got worse.  Now she treats my H badly too.  Am I to honour her on mother's day?  She is the person who makes me (and H) miserable!

We live in the same small community.  Sending flowers isn't a good fit.  Delivering them feels inauthentic. 

She has really also been a covert narcissist over her life.  To non-family, she was charming, quirky, and fun to be around.  To immediate family, the journey has been a nightmare.

She is seeking attention and reaching out to her friends to tell them she is lonely in assisted living.  They respond with visits, kindness, and by giving her the attention she needs, which is never enough.  She is manipulative with others too, but they just see a sad lonely frail old lady.  They know nothing about BPD.  They know nothing about the kind of mother she has been. 

To not do something on Mother's Day doesn't feel right.  But to do anything nice for her feels inauthentic to me.

I am so conflicted.  And distressed. And really really sad.

Family occasions like birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day are just so painful.

[Notwendy]

She is seeking attention and reaching out to her friends to tell them she is lonely in assisted living.  They respond with visits, kindness, and by giving her the attention she needs, which is never enough.  She is manipulative with others too, but they just see a sad lonely frail old lady.  They know nothing about BPD.  They know nothing about the kind of mother she has been. 

To not do something on Mother's Day doesn't feel right.  But to do anything nice for her feels inauthentic to me.

I am so conflicted.  And distressed. And really really sad.

Family occasions like birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day are just so painful.

Good for the friends. As long as they are willing to pay attention to your mother- that is a good thing for her. I was glad for my mother that she had people who cared about her. Eventually though they didn't- which makes me wonder if maybe she acted out with them.

Gifts are difficult but I usually went with flowers. It seemed to be the best of all the choices.

Gift were a dilemma. One is that we could not ever know if she liked them or not, or even if she kept them or threw them out. While I didn't want to not send one, I would think- would I feel badly if I knew she threw it in the trash? Flowers seemed to be the best fit, and when nothing seems ideal- they seemed the better choice of them all. They are pretty and visible- people will see them and comment on them and she can say "my children sent these to me" which boosts her self image.

Delivery could be rationalized as the florists have special delivery trucks and they are difficult to handle if they are in a vase with water. The staff can help her arrange them. They can come with baloons that are also large and diffucult to transport- so go with that so you feel OK with using delivery. Your mother will then have a large gift for people to see.

On your birthday- do something special for yourself- out of town. Even if it's driving 30 minutes to the next town- you can still be "out of town" for the day. Same for Mother's Day- you are a mother too. You can have your day. Send your mother a big lovely flowers and baloons arrangement with delivery. It's an investment in your emotional well being to not bring them to her.

My BPD mother has called us "stupid" and things like that. You know your father tolerated a lot. Mine did. But you don't have to.

[zachira]

Methuen,
I really understand about the guilt trip. I had distanced myself from my mother with BPD in the last years of her life, and I have distanced myself from most of my large extended family. The people who work at the assisted living facility know that many of their residents do not have any visitors to speak of, likely because how they have mistreated those closest family members, and will certainly not judge you for doing nothing or very little for your mother for special occasions like Mother's Day. As for the people who don't get it, it takes time not to feel so badly about being harshly judged by these flying monkeys, and it never feels good to have another person critical of your choices when they make no effort to understand what might be your side of the story. You are for the first time in many years, your own person, free to do or not do what works for you for  Mother's Day and other special occasions like your birthday. Your mother is no longer in a situation in which she can easily take revenge, as you and your husband are now in a position to choose what to do for her, knowing she is well cared for and no longer your responsibility. Wishing you a well deserved Happy Birthday and Mother's Day.

[Methuen]

Thanks for this Zachira.

This is long after the fact, but the truth is I broke.  I went to see her on my B-D.     It was yucky.  I went out of obligation because she indicated she was expecting it.  I felt that even my family expected me to go.

Despite this, I also did plan something very nice for her a week later on Mother's Day. I planned and prepared a beautiful brunch with other people at her place.  It didn't go as I had hoped.  She didn't appreciate the effort and her behaviors and language were horrible.  My H and D28 swooped in and distracted her, while I removed myself.

I stupidly keep trying, because I haven't gone completely NC.  I am starting to think that without NC, our kindness means we just "keep trying".  I have spent a lifetime banging my head on the same brick wall. 

On the positive side, my family did treat me very well on both occasions.  But still, every occasion is blemished and ruined by my mother's very existence.  She is just narcissistic and cruel.  She is who she is, she's not going to change, and it only gets worse with her age.

At least she is now in AL, and that is huge because ultimately someone else is responsible for her daily needs. 

[zachira]

Methuen,
I am trying to think what might be helpful. It is tremendously challenging when we have continued contact with a close cruel family member, and are unable to shake off the terrible feelings that come with the cruelty inflicted upon us. There is such a thing as stuck anger and there is healthy anger too. For example, if we see a child about to be hit by a car, we can grab the child and take him/her to safety before the accident occurs, which would be an example of healthy anger harnessing all the body's energy to be able to take the needed action. Oftentimes we get stuck in an anger that hides the sadness we feel beneath the anger. It has helped me to do lots of mind body therapy to be able to cry deeply which has been healing and makes me less reactive to all the ongoing cruelty I endure from my large extended family and their large group of flying monkeys. Stuck anger we feel shows up in how we hold ourselves and therapies like bioenergetics help release the stuck energy and grieve the ongoing losses of not having the loving family relationships every human being deserves. I have done lots of massage, physical therapy, etc.,

Whatever you decide with your mother whether to go no contact or lower contact, we are here to support you. Are you still thinking about quitting your job and retiring? Hopefully, you will get some well deserved rest and take a long vacation this summer in which you are many miles away from your mother. Right now, you have overdosed on being around her.

[Methuen]

Stuck anger we feel shows up in how we hold ourselves and therapies like bioenergetics help release the stuck energy and grieve the ongoing losses of not having the loving family relationships every human being deserves.

This sounds interesting.  It is the first time I have heard the term "bioenergetics", so I looked it up.  I do physio, massage treatments, and yoga, which seem like they might fit "bioenergetics".  The thing is, I've been doing them for years, and I seem to be getting tighter and stiffer, but maybe that's aging.

Whatever you decide with your mother whether to go no contact or lower contact, we are here to support you. Are you still thinking about quitting your job and retiring?  Right now, you have overdosed on being around her.

Thank you Zachira.  I gotta say, you have your finger on the pulse of a few of my problems.  When you described "overdosed on being around her", I had to reread it, because that is exactly what I am still suffering from, and I haven't had time to give myself the antidote to that.

As for quitting my job and retiring, I am stuck.  It sounds like it should be an easy decision now that she is finally in assisted living.  But my fear of my mom is so strong that I am still "stuck", and afraid that when she learns I've retired, she will expect me to be at her beck and call every day. For her, that is a "given".  I don't feel strong enough to face that and just say "no" and subject myself to her rages about not doing enough for her and not loving her because I don't drop what I'm doing and run to her when she needs me.  So I'm still working. And it is wearing me out.  Thanks for asking.

[Methuen]

This message just came in from mother:

"Hello. If your interested you could bring me breakfast tomorrow.  That would be special.  Let me know and I'll be up."

I'm interested to hear if anyone else gets this type of message/request/demand/expectation/entitlement, and how you navigate it.

We have a full day planned already, and this wasn't part of it.  What gets me is that she never asks what we were up to or if we had plans.  She just states what she wants and says "I'll be up".  The expectation is set.

[zachira]

Methuen,
The challenge with the body work is for the body not to tighten up again, go back to its customary tightness which masks uncomfortable stuck emotions. When I first started getting massages, I did not enjoy them and the massage therapists dreaded seeing me because my body was so tight. I was left in the crib all day as a baby, and the tight hidden feelings within my body were resisting letting go. You might explore the different body mind therapies to see which ones could help you. Somatic experiencing has a good reputation for helping processing stored trauma in the mind and body while going at a pace that the clients can tolerate. An excellent book on the different body mind therapies is: "The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind, and Body In The Healing Of Trauma" by Bessel Van Der Kolk."

When you change how you hold your body and let go of the fear of your mother, you will have the confidence to do whatever you need to to not become enmeshed in your mother's emotions and to make the choices to have the kind of life you want. I can't imagine how terrifying it must be to be the only child of a mother like yours. You had nobody around to protect you most of the time, being alone with your mother. Your mother is more afraid of you than you are of her.

[Notwendy]

This message just came in from mother:

"Hello. If your interested you could bring me breakfast tomorrow.  That would be special.  Let me know and I'll be up."

I'm interested to hear if anyone else gets this type of message/request/demand/expectation/entitlement, and how you navigate it.

We have a full day planned already, and this wasn't part of it.  What gets me is that she never asks what we were up to or if we had plans.  She just states what she wants and says "I'll be up".  The expectation is set.

I didn't get requests to bring her food- as I wasn't close enough to do that, but as you stated, requests were according to her needs. She would have a medical crises which I didn't know if they were urgent or serious, or not but getting calls at work, or in the evening- from a medical facility- I'd always answer. The crisis could be as minimal as needing a new medicine that she's in the hospital.

Her version of "if you are interested" is "I have something you might want" - and it is some kind of property that is sentimental. Designed to get me to come see her (like the breakfast). I tried to keep visits disconnected from wanting something- the visits aren't just to get something. Also, if I said I wanted something-  she'd likely not let me have it.

Sometimes though, she'd do the opposite. Not call at all and also tell the nurses to not call me. It seems like a form of the push pull dynamics or silent treatment. While it was disruptive to have the frequent calls- and I would silence her number on my phone at night so I could sleep (the nurse coordinator's number was not silenced) -I still wanted to be kept informed on how she was doing.

Being in AL helps a lot in terms of knowing your mother's basic needs are being met and if there's a medical need, it will be taken care of. This is a big help. What I found though- and you may be seeing this too- is that there are still emotional needs related to BPD, and the relationship dynamics.

[Notwendy]

Typo:
The crisis could be as minimal as needing a new medicine or that she's in the hospital.

It was confusing, because, sometimes something small might be a big issue for BPD mother, and then some other times- something concerning happened and I wasn't called.

[peachpie]

I stupidly keep trying, because I haven't gone completely NC.  I am starting to think that without NC, our kindness means we just "keep trying".  I have spent a lifetime banging my head on the same brick wall.

As for quitting my job and retiring, I am stuck.  It sounds like it should be an easy decision now that she is finally in assisted living.  But my fear of my mom is so strong that I am still "stuck", and afraid that when she learns I've retired, she will expect me to be at her beck and call every day. For her, that is a "given".  I don't feel strong enough to face that and just say "no" and subject myself to her rages about not doing enough for her and not loving her because I don't drop what I'm doing and run to her when she needs me.  So I'm still working. And it is wearing me out.  Thanks for asking.

I relate to this a lot. I went NC with my uBPD mother several years ago. I spent the time since then stuck in the same mindset that she was going to come into my room at any minute and hit me. Or compulsively cleaning, because surely if I could clean my house the way she wants, she would finally really love me and we could be in a relationship again. Only now, several years later, am I starting to understand that this won't happen. She won't come hurt me, and neither will she come love me. My behaviors are separate things from what she feels and does.

That "stuck-ness" isn't a matter of being unrealistic or a matter of fault, it's your nervous system and body doing something important to help you. They both learned over the years that if you have a legitimate excuse to stay away from her, it keeps you safer than when you're with her. So they'll stick to that pattern so that you continue to be as safe as they can get you. I spent 20 years stuck in the same patterns because they kept me safe enough while I wasn't able to get away from her. And then when I was able to get some physical distance, I spent 10 years slowing down the momentum of those patterns and starting to create new ones that fit my current life.

It will take a while for your body to understand that you can be safe from her, if that's a path you want to explore. Whatever you decide, and whatever your mom thinks of you, it's important that you let yourself be safe, because you matter too.