Tired of trying to understand

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi! I don’t know how to start… it’s my first time. My love is the one with BPD, he is also the father of my kid.
Lately it’s gotten so hard for me to just keep it all together, that’s why I’m here. We had a huge fight today. Now I’m on that faze of blaming myself for it. I said some things that could indicate that I want to leave him. I’m tired of trying to get him out of his room, in my head it’s all just getting worse. He is closing himself in his world, where me and my son don’t have access. He doesn’t do a therapy, but I do, because he was saying that it’s all my fault and if I get my _____ together, if I stop to complain it will all be good.. well… At the start I knew it would be challenging, because I felt that a lot of my behavior comes from his ignorance and now during therapy I’m just starting to notice how much of a help I need.. how much in pain I actually am.. but until now I was sort of prioritizing his pain. I thought my therapy would maybe encourage him to start his… And here I am now writing on a forum.. I really care about him, I see his inner child being in so much pain, don’t want to be one more person just passing by, but lately I’ve started to doubt. Also I’m very pushy, when things get bad I want to ease them the fastest I can. Maybe I should just leave him with all of that? Leave him in his room, not trying to force smth every 2h. What is your experience? What does work? What is leaving things worse? He also breaks up w me every single time we argue, maybe I should just validate that break up?

[Rosa Preta]

Hi! I don’t know how to start… it’s my first time. My love is the one with BPD, he is also the father of my kid.
Lately it’s gotten so hard for me to just keep it all together, that’s why I’m here. We had a huge fight today. Now I’m on that faze of blaming myself for it. I said some things that could indicate that I want to leave him. I’m tired of trying to get him out of his room, in my head it’s all just getting worse. He is closing himself in his world, where me and my son don’t have access. He doesn’t do a therapy, but I do, because he was saying that it’s all my fault and if I get my _____ together, if I stop to complain it will all be good.. well… At the start I knew it would be challenging, because I felt that a lot of my behavior comes from his ignorance and now during therapy I’m just starting to notice how much of a help I need.. how much in pain I actually am.. but until now I was sort of prioritizing his pain. I thought my therapy would maybe encourage him to start his… And here I am now writing on a forum.. I really care about him, I see his inner child being in so much pain, don’t want to be one more person just passing by, but lately I’ve started to doubt. Also I’m very pushy, when things get bad I want to ease them the fastest I can. Maybe I should just leave him with all of that? Leave him in his room, not trying to force smth every 2h. What is your experience? What does work? What is leaving things worse? He also breaks up w me every single time we argue, maybe I should just validate that break up?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so glad you found us and even though I hate it's under these circumstances, every member has literally been there and done that.  You're among friend here and hopefully we can help.

First, your post is about two things:

1)  How you feel because of
2)  How he chooses to live his life

Hopefully you can see these are two different things.  You're in control of you.  He's in control of him.  Our focus here is what you're in control of- your feelings, your needs, etc.

Why?  Because there's nothing you can do to change his current behavior.  You said yourself, you've tried so much and nothing works.  So why fight over it?  Let's make this about you instead.

A few quick questions- are you guys married?  Are there any kids?  How long have you been together?  I'm just trying to get a feel for what's going on and how we can help.

[Gio0809]

Hello, We all know what it's like. I don't have the best advice but this is what worked for me. First, figure out everything you are insecure about. Why your husband trying to push your buttons trigger you. Once you figure out your own self worth, why are you being pushy? Does he blame you for how he feels. When you know your partner is being irrational, I suggest not giving it any value. (I'm projecting when I say this but chances are they will catch on to this and act out more) But it healthier for you. And no matter what he says or what anyone says, just because you don't react or you are tired of being patient, IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU DO NOT CARE. You do, and you are doing all you can. As someone who has been needing to hear it myself. I appreciate you for trying for your husband, please take care of yourself.