Possible charm, sorta wrecked me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've done my absolute best to stay no contact and have not once reached out to her. It's been 7 months and I hoped I would have been a lot stronger by now. I've stayed busy and therapy has really helped. So has reading all of the usual recommended books.

I got a strange email yesterday, sent as a request in Microsoft Teams at work. It was from her, and apparently I own some group in there. I have no idea what it is and it hasn't been active for years. It's apparently a calendar group for project coordinators, where they can reserve certain rooms/clinic rooms for their project.

1. She is no longer a coordinator, therefore she has no access to PHI and cannot request room usage for anyone.
2. She included some new guy coordinator as needing access as well.
3. Even when she WAS a coordinator before I got her her new job, she never wanted access to this group.
4. If this was truly about work only, there are over a dozen other coordinators in that section who DO NOT have access and if she's able to request it on behalf of the new person, it would make sense for her to do so for them as well. NOT include herself who has no need/use/ability to utilize the scheduling.

My birthday is Next Monday and this all seems out of nowhere. I know she's the type of person who says she liked to remain friends with exes. Not me. And she's the kind of person who is of the mindset 'enough time has gone by, things have sort of settled, I assume all is well/forgiven/ok'. I don't imagine there is any real intent here other than to see if I respond, or if there is any crack still open, or just as a reminder she exists in my orbit.

Her job and my job have no shared duties or need to work together and she knows that. Seeing her name, and the request for access really made me feel nauseous and just wrong all day yesterday. I just clicked accept for both requests and removed myself as the administrator of that group as I have zero responsibility there, cannot use the system, and cannot see patient PHI either as there is no 'need to know'.

Healing really isn't linear. I am praying there are no birthday surprises. Both options suck: if she reaches out pretending to be kind and caring, I'll die inside. If she doesn't, my nerves will be a wreck already anyways and I'll just be reminded that I'm out of sight out of mind and replaced. 

[Me88]

I've done my absolute best to stay no contact and have not once reached out to her. It's been 7 months and I hoped I would have been a lot stronger by now. I've stayed busy and therapy has really helped. So has reading all of the usual recommended books.

I got a strange email yesterday, sent as a request in Microsoft Teams at work. It was from her, and apparently I own some group in there. I have no idea what it is and it hasn't been active for years. It's apparently a calendar group for project coordinators, where they can reserve certain rooms/clinic rooms for their project.

1. She is no longer a coordinator, therefore she has no access to PHI and cannot request room usage for anyone.
2. She included some new guy coordinator as needing access as well.
3. Even when she WAS a coordinator before I got her her new job, she never wanted access to this group.
4. If this was truly about work only, there are over a dozen other coordinators in that section who DO NOT have access and if she's able to request it on behalf of the new person, it would make sense for her to do so for them as well. NOT include herself who has no need/use/ability to utilize the scheduling.

My birthday is Next Monday and this all seems out of nowhere. I know she's the type of person who says she liked to remain friends with exes. Not me. And she's the kind of person who is of the mindset 'enough time has gone by, things have sort of settled, I assume all is well/forgiven/ok'. I don't imagine there is any real intent here other than to see if I respond, or if there is any crack still open, or just as a reminder she exists in my orbit.

Her job and my job have no shared duties or need to work together and she knows that. Seeing her name, and the request for access really made me feel nauseous and just wrong all day yesterday. I just clicked accept for both requests and removed myself as the administrator of that group as I have zero responsibility there, cannot use the system, and cannot see patient PHI either as there is no 'need to know'.

Healing really isn't linear. I am praying there are no birthday surprises. Both options suck: if she reaches out pretending to be kind and caring, I'll die inside. If she doesn't, my nerves will be a wreck already anyways and I'll just be reminded that I'm out of sight out of mind and replaced. 

[Me88]

I typed possible charm in the title. Unsure how that corrected to 'charm'.

[Me88]

can we not use the word h-o-o-v-e-r anymore?

[SinisterComplex]

can we not use the word h-o-o-v-e-r anymore?

Apparently it is autocorrected. So try to stay away from using it if possible. Explain in other words if possible.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[kells76]

I've done my absolute best to stay no contact and have not once reached out to her. It's been 7 months and I hoped I would have been a lot stronger by now. I've stayed busy and therapy has really helped. So has reading all of the usual recommended books.

Really good to hear that therapy has been helpful. Can you remind me if you started therapy about 7 months ago, too?

It's a long process so it may interest you to know that there is potential for significant insights the longer you stay in and committed to therapy. I think it may have to do with the natural evolution of the client/therapist relationship.

How did you hope to feel at this point?

Healing really isn't linear.

That's for sure. Lots of forward/backward in the process. More of a spiral staircase than a straight line.

Her job and my job have no shared duties or need to work together

Have you already made an email inbox rule that diverts everything from her (or remotely related to her) into its own folder?

I am praying there are no birthday surprises. Both options suck: if she reaches out pretending to be kind and caring, I'll die inside. If she doesn't, my nerves will be a wreck already anyways and I'll just be reminded that I'm out of sight out of mind and replaced.

What ways does she still have to get in touch with you (besides in person at work)? I can't remember if you chose to block her phone number?

How did your birthday go?

[Me88]

Hey Kells. We were actually in couples counseling for a few months when the highs and lows really started getting crazy. I still pride myself in this for some reason, but her therapist agreed with every one of my view points, in which my ex never denied were the truth. I had no reason to lie when the truth was bad enough. Then I was in individual therapy with a gentleman who told me at one point, he could not help me anymore, and his only advice was to leave. And then I started with a woman who was helpful and tried to give me some tools to deescalate. But again, as we all know, nothing worked. I've been out of therapy for a few months. Overall it was over a year or so.

I feel more functional I guess. No longer self medicating with alcohol, which I know is stupid, but that bit of numbness kept me somewhat better. But I've got that under control.

I recently moved any and all emails from her to the 'junk' folder. Somehow that teams request came through. But I immediately removed myself from that group. It isn't mine.

I've blocked her in every single place I know of. Blocked her family, etc. I did not get any bday surprises. Not that I would know. And honestly, she probably hates me and blames me for everything. Or, she knows so much happened that she 'can't' reach out, it just wouldn't make sense at this time. I'm sure she's out there living it up, new man in tow. Afterall, she dated me literally after ending her engagement. I'm not special enough to not receive that treatment as well.