How do you cope with the non contact with you grown up child?

[Jamfirst]

My heart aches for the opportunity to reconcile with my daughter. Over the last six years we’ve had limited contact.  I popped into her bar recently to tell her that my mum was really unwell (she hasn’t read my texts since June), I didn’t want her to feel she’d been left out or excluded in anyway. I was quickly dismissed and sent on my way. My grandson was there (not allowed to see him - met him a few times though which is a blessing I hold dear) and she told me that was why she didn’t want me speaking. She then text my son telling him that she didn’t want contact with me because she was remembering things from her past again… My daughter has shared with me some of her past hurts and my failings as a mum, I’ve apologised again and again expressing my sorrow over things. At the moment, I’m off work (school holidays) I spent the nights searching my heart for answers…sorry for the long post - it’s my first time. How do you cope with an absent child?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I've been in the same position with my BPD daughter.

For me, the path to coping was realizing that my kid was sick and it was going to take time to repair the relationship.  It's not something you can force and time is on your side.  Give it time.

One warning though- your daughter "blaming you" for being a bad mom is very common and it's not always productive to blindly apologize.  In many cases, they're seeing things out of proportion and setting the blame on others instead of accepting that they need help.  By saying, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry...." you're ultimately telling her that the problem was 100% you, and 0% her.  And that's very dangerous since it feeds into her disordered thinking.

With my daughter, I stopped apologizing several years ago and instead, started saying, "I've always loved you and did the best I could.  I'm sorry if it wasn't enough at times."

That may sound like the same thing, but it's not.  It's my truth- I loved her and fought for her, despite the struggles.  And every time she'd start in on me for what I did 5 years ago, 10 years ago, I'd say the exact same thing....I loved you just as much then as I do now.  But I had no idea what to do back then when you were at your worst.

Time can and will heal this, but you must give yourself enough grace to endure it.  I hope that helps!

[Jamfirst]

Thank you for your wise words. I finally feel that I’m not alone, on this journey of living with an adult child with BPD,  others understand the heartache.

[Pook075]

Thank you for your wise words. I finally feel that I’m not alone, on this journey of living with an adult child with BPD,  others understand the heartache.

No problem at all; you absolutely are not alone and every parent of a BPD kid faces this at some point.  You and I actually have it so much easier than others because our kid is out of the house.  Many stories here contain the same blame/hate, but the adult child refuses to leave home and insists on controlling or manipulating every aspect of everything. 

It's so much easier when our kids are out in the world and seeing that the pain they felt at home is still there, that their patterns continue with others they meet later in life.  That's often what leads to their acceptance and breakthroughs.

Keep your head up and do what you can to find peace.  I'm sure you weren't a perfect parent (no one is) but that doesn't mean you have to hold onto that blame.  It came from a sick child/teen that's now a sick adult.  That deserves compassion but the rest of it is not on you.

[js friend]

Hi Jamfirst,

Iam 5 years along in my estrangement from my udd and Iam at a stage now where I have accepted it.
2years ago I went over to her home. udd was quite hostile and asked me why I was there, and wasnt interested in having any kind of conversation.
Since then I havent tried to contact her again. I get it. She doesnt want me in her life. She has never said why, but it is obvious.

Acceptance has taken time and has been good for me. I now have a greater appreciation of a quiet and calm life without anxiety and stress that came/comes with trying to have a r/s with my udd.