Help

[Roper]

My 42 year old daughter divorced with  2 young children was found by police on a roundabout two weeks ago She had left a boyfriend trashing his house and running away without phone bank card or door keys
She has been sectioned under the mental health act and refuses to speak to us or give permission for us to know about her medical condition
I was able to access her phone to discover that recently her behaviour has spiralled out of control Her involvement with a number of men has put her children in danger as well as herself.
We have discovered she has been drinking and taking cannabis particularly vaping THC She has trashed her own flat too.
Our daughter has always claimed to not take drugs and as a qualified teacher to always care properly for her young children This is sadly a complete lie. We have told her ex husband about our concerns re the children and he has managed a sensitive conversation with them and they have disclosed that there have been many occasions where they have not felt safe with both our daughter and her men friends.
I don’t know how we can move forward to both help our daughter although our main concern is the grandchildren We know our daughter will deny this behaviour she will claim to be the victim

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi Roper,

Clearly this is a safeguarding issue both for your dd and your gc. Are your gc living with their father whilst your dd is having inpatient treatment?

[Notwendy]

It's hard for her to deny this now that there's a police/medical record.

What is the arrangment with the childrens father(s)? Would the father want full custody? Do you and your H?

If your daughter is in a mental health facility- she is getting the help she needs.
Although this is not a situation anyone would want- it may be what has gotten her to getting services that could help her.

The concern now is for the children. Understandably you want your D to get help but she's an adult and makes her own choices.

Whether she denies what happened or if she feels like a victim- the main concern is the children and what is the best situation for them.

[Sancho]

Hi Roper
It's a huge shock when this happens. Somehow we struggle along with some kind of routine, then suddenly everything falls apart and it's a new situation. There are also new facts - such as the substance use - that seem to change everything.

I gather that your grandchildren spent time with their father and the time with your DD was often covered by you.  No doubt you will be the target of blame for all this happening and I wouldn't be surprised if DD becomes reluctant to let the children see you.

The bottom line is that the child protection will work with their father I should imagine to make sure they are in a safe and secure place. How that works for your contact with them should become clear and be possible given it is what has been happening.

The difference I imagine will be in the relationship with your DD because it could be that she will blame you for all this happening - this is part of BPD I'm afraid.

The only thing I can suggest from my experience is that for some reason involvement with my gd was easier when I put out vibes that it didn't matter to me one way or the other. I'm not sure whether it was that it felt like I was not in a contest with DD, or whether my wish to be involved was interpreted as my wanting to take over her child, I don't really know.

But by being on the side lines and as relaxed (as is possible in these situations) it has always ended up with DD wanting me to have contact with gd.

Of course every person and situation is different. I am just hoping that DD will get some good quality help at this point in time and that the children will be able to have as normal a life as possible with good relationships continuing with you.

I hope things can settle after such a huge shock.

[Roper]

Thank you all for your advice.
Our daughter is still in hospital Her substance abuse has caused a psychotic episode where she is delusional and believes she is a member of the Royal family and I am not her mother. We have managed to provide the mental health team with background on her recent behaviour that has been dangerous to herself and critically dangerous to her children
Whilst she refuses for us to have any involvement in her care /diagnosis she is ringing us daily from the hospital She is intending to challenge her detention in hospital and we are extremely worried that she will be discharged
She believes I arranged this and even claims that I told her she was not my daughter.It is incredibly stressful and my husband and I don’t know how to deal with this.
On a positive note the grandsons are being looked after by their father We are working well with him and his new partner to have the boys at the weekends. This gives them continuity because they have always spent time with us as our daughter always had an excuse for not being able to manage
Our priority is our grandchildren and  I believe that they should only have contact with our daughter when she is stable and even then we believe that contact has to be carefully monitored and supervised . How sad this is for our daughter and for her children

[Notwendy]

It doesn't sound like your daughter is legally competent at the moment. I don't know the rules on this but someone who isn't legally competent may not be able to sign themselves out.

I wonder if it's the drugs or that she has a more psychosis than BPD. I hope her medical team will figure this out before they release her as she needs the help.

It is sad that this happened but on the other hand, it brought the issues into the light and so steps can be taken for the children to be safe and hopefully for her to get treatment.

If she does get released I hope the kids' father will petition for full custody of them.

[CC43]

Hi,

I'm so sorry about your situation.  Maybe what your daughter really needs is treatment for substance abuse and BPD, and landing in the hospital is exactly where she needs to be right now.

My adult stepdaughter was diagnosed with BPD, and I can say that when she was self-medicating with cannabis, she became highly paranoid and delusional.  She ignored her personal hygiene and lived in a mess, a reflection of her mental state.  She felt that others were "out to get her" and experienced temporary bouts of psychosis which landed her in the hospital.  I guess the good news is that doctors convinced her to stop self-medicating with cannabis, and when she did, her paranoia disappeared, and her delusions were greatly diminished.  Then she was able to focus on treatment for BPD.  Fortunately, she was able to turn her life around in a couple of years.  Finding the motivation to do that was probably the key.  For my stepdaughter, it was hitting bottom, and a deal with her dad (continued financial support provided that she did everything the doctors said; otherwise she could choose to go her own way).  Maybe for your daughter, it could be the threat of temporarily losing custody of her children.  Fortunately or unfortunately, the only person who can decide to accept treatment is your daughter.  You can't force her into therapy.  But by the same token, you can refuse to enable the status quo, for example by giving her money so that she can buy drugs.

I'll add that how your daughter frames getting treatment could be important.  For my stepdaughter, she seemed to warm to the notion of getting help from "professionals."  She felt that she experienced multiple traumas and abusive relationships, so framing therapy as helping her cope with all that was palatable to her.  In fact, I suspect that therapy "validated" her victim attitude, which is prevalent with BPD.  Basically she could say to herself, she needed extra support to overcome her multiple traumas.  That seems reasonable and less pejorative than saying she's mentally ill.  Nobody likes that label.

We know that this is very hard, and unfortunately many other parents have faced similar circumstances with their adult children with BPD.  It's heartbreaking.