Sharing experiences of daughters behaviour

[Roper]

Hi,
I read regularly the experiences of the forum members .I have a 42 year old daughter divorced with two young children She is a graduate qualified teacher but her personality disorder has never enabled her to commit to work . Whilst a structured day with mindfulness and planned activities could help her she can’t commit to that and instead spends every day when she does not see her children fixated on being a victim of her childhood the behaviour of her family and friends. She also presents at either the hospital or the doctors with claimed serious illnesses.
The long school holidays when she is supposed to have her children 1/2 the time triggers countless visits to the hospital to demonstrate she is too ill and too vulnerable to care for her children
We as the grandparents now know we have to step in to provide the care to her children Not a problem as we have a loving good relationship with them but it does worry us that this behaviour is having a damaging effect on them.
We provided care for our daughter through out her life We did not understand that she had a serious mental health issue until she had her children Her lack of the ability to care for the children was evident and her mood swings was a contributing factor in her divorce.
We have arranged counselling in addition to the limited care that is provided by the NHS.  It is now my belief that we have to accept that she is never going to improve.We have to accept that she either presents as an angry daughter accusing us of being terrible parents Her regular criticism is that I should not have had a professional career but stayed at home to look
after her. She blocks us and try’s to use access to the grandchildren to hurt us However as she can’t actually manage the children she uses made up or exaggerated illnesses to avoid having them. She will then switch to a high state where she claims she had a wonderful childhood she was a fantastic teacher and everything is fantastic Usually at this time she develops relationships with pretty unsuitable men who probably are attracted to what appears to be a very vivacious person.
We accept that we do have a responsibility for our daughter but believe we have to accept she is incapable of looking after her children for more than a few days at a time sometimes less We have to focus on their wellbeing and share with them in an age appropriate way their mothers mental illness Also giving them positive thoughts on their mother too. I think accepting this as the future outcome is actually helpful to our wellbeing.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders