Hot Cold Behavior

[athena wanderer]

Recently, my BPD partner seems divided on how he feels about me - it's like watching a ginormous internal struggle take place and I am uncertain if this is a ride it out deal, or a deal breaker.

We recently went through a "break-up" albeit not in the classic sense.  Communication never stopped, only words of affection.  Over the weeks, words of affection have resurface, along with "I love you's" etc. A lot affirmations, in regard to desiring hugs or physical affection (albeit I am out of town an cannot respond immediately with physical touch atm)

However, today we were having a discussion about some life changes I've been pursing  - he made a very strong claim about me, and I simply observed that he has strong feelings about who I am, and that sometimes I feel misheard and misunderstood.  He followed by stating he understands me less than anyone he has every dated, he has "never felt comfortable" around me, never felt a strong bond "like we are one," and has never been able to be himself around me.  He said he had a lot of resentment built up that he doesn't think he can ever get over.

All of this came quite abruptly after sharing all about his day, checking in on how I've been feeling, what he's been working on (at length), and telling me just how much he's misses my cuddles.  I am attempting to be patient but he's gone silent since I asked him a few questions about what he said.

Specifically I feel confused about the lack of a bond or connection, when he is the one who has maintained contact.  He messages me every day the minute he wakes up as our schedules are not aligned.  I know there is no way for anyone to be certain, but is the reality that he's keeping me around because he's simply lonely, is this testing behavior to see if I'll abandon him, or does he really want to get away and just doesn't know how to let go?

I've told him that I'll give him time to think on it and respond and confirmed that I care for him other than that is there any other action, or non-action I should take?

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[CanBuild91]

Wow, I relate to this so much. My ex used to use these exact phrases, verbatim, about how she "never felt comfortable" around me, while I contend that she felt more comfortable around me than anyone in her life, ever. She did after all lose her virginity to me in her late 20s, and shared more physical and emotional intimacy with me than anybody she's ever known. And then went on to claim that she "never" felt comfortable. Was she uncomfortable when she fell asleep on top of me listening to my heartbeat?  Not trying to hijack OP's story, but curious to hear insight from others on this shared behavior because it still bewilders me years later.

[athena wanderer]

Goodness - seems I jumped the gun just slightly on my post.  My pwBPD answered the phone late this afternoon and chatted away like nothing happened.  When I raised my concern, he said that he just had nothing more to say on the subject, so I requested that if he feels that way during a conversation to please let me know with a simple "I don't feel like talking about this further atm" or similar; he agreed to this.

Here in lies the problem, in deciding he had nothing more to say, he also entirely avoided responding to my questions.  The one question that continues to haunt the relationship since our breakup last year is the question of why he returned to rekindle the relationship, (even building me an new office at our house and saying he was happy his dating days were behind him).   After he listed his grievances with me, I asked him with different wording today, why we remain in contact, if his concerns are so deep.  He has continued to ignore this line of inquiry.

This of course, leads me to consider several things . . . he has few friends, and he's comfortable talking to me a length . . . so this is to assuage loneliness while he looks for greener pastures.  He genuinely loves me as he's stated and this is just par for the course with untreated BPD meaning he's prone to wild swings and unhelpful patterns of thought.

[athena wanderer]

and @CanBuild91 - interesting to hear the phraseology is so similar.  I am curious about this behavior as well, albeit I feel like it could stem from inconsistent self-identity.

[kells76]

Have the two of you ever had a successful conversation about past events (behaviors & emotions, whether his or yours or both)?

If so, what was necessary to have a successful conversation? Are there known variables (i.e., needs to be longer than 2 days after the event, needs to be out of the house in a public place, etc)?

Many pwBPD, after a time of dysregulation or heightened emotions, can take longer than other people to return to an emotional baseline. Sometimes I hear things like "if there's an argument, both parties should take a break for 30 minutes to regulate, then return", and I'm pretty sure that is much too soon for a pwBPD.

Do you have a sense of how long it takes him to get back to an emotional baseline? Could be hours, days, weeks...?

When he's regulated, does he ever talk about shame? Do you have a sense for how much shame impacts him (not much, a bit, very much, all the time, other)?

This of course, leads me to consider several things . . . he has few friends, and he's comfortable talking to me a length . . . so this is to assuage loneliness while he looks for greener pastures.  He genuinely loves me as he's stated and this is just par for the course with untreated BPD meaning he's prone to wild swings and unhelpful patterns of thought.

At this point I'd be leaning towards the last option -- this is just how someone with untreated BPD shows up in a relationship, where the emotions of the moment are what are "real for all time"... until there is a new emotion of the moment that is also "real for all time".

I think that when he says "he has never felt a connection", he isn't trying to be dishonest, it's just that in that quick moment, that's how he feels. And, that feeling can change.

Does he do behaviors that are also concerning, or go against your values (known cheating/infidelity, for example)? Or at this point, is it more that his behaviors are essentially committed to you, but his words vary wildly and unpredictably?

[athena wanderer]

Have the two of you ever had a successful conversation about past events (behaviors & emotions, whether his or yours or both)?

If so, what was necessary to have a successful conversation? Are there known variables (i.e., needs to be longer than 2 days after the event, needs to be out of the house in a public place, etc)?

I would rarely describe our conversations about past events or behaviors as "successful."  We are frequently at an impasse.  This has, on occasion, led to a "breakup" (I use this word loosely as there has only been two times during our relationship where we became entirely disconnected (no phone calls, texts, physical interactions.)  A "successful" conversation largely entails him admitting that he's hurt my feelings, but rarely includes any type of apology.  It feels like a successful conversation for him is an apology from me and an expectation of specific actions.

Do you have a sense of how long it takes him to get back to an emotional baseline? Could be hours, days, weeks...?

An emotional baseline starts to occur around 5-7 days, enough to start re-engaging. Rarely he can reach an emotional baseline much sooner, as in hours, but there's still a feeling of walking on eggshells.

When he's regulated, does he ever talk about shame? Do you have a sense for how much shame impacts him (not much, a bit, very much, all the time, other)?

When he's regulated, he doesn't talk about shame in a direct way, but he has shared instances where shame seems to be the prevalent issue.  For example, when we discussed whether or not I would take his name when we got married (he had the assumption I would) he was extremely angry that I would want to keep the current name I share with my daughter and ADD his name as my last name.  His claim is very black and white: "You won't take my name" and if I attempt to remind him of the facts of our conversation or walk through what my goas were, his answer is "Ok fine, but I know how you really feel."  At one point he asked "What will my friends think, am I to be a punk and take your name?".  He's also admitted to feeling inadequate in the bedroom when I don't "cum."  And finally, he admitted he was embarrassed of how I looked when we were out shopping one time and he didn't introduce me to someone, because this particular person has a wife that always dresses nice and cares for herself. (Keep in mind we live on a homestead, and when I started to get dressed nicer for going to town, he told me not to worry about it because no one dresses nice in town anyway) - this is an area where the bar is constantly changing and impossible to manuever around.  Overall I would say shame plays an enourmous role in our relationship. He tends to react with anger or complete lack of care.

Does he do behaviors that are also concerning, or go against your values (known cheating/infidelity, for example)? Or at this point, is it more that his behaviors are essentially committed to you, but his words vary wildly and unpredictably?

I feel like, but don't have any definitive proof, that he does chat with other women "just in case" this doesn't work out, in other words keeping bench warmers.

Our most recent fight was brutal - he now says I PLEASE READed up by not having his back (taking his name, and agreeing with a male friend on subject) and will never marry me now - he said "that ship has sailed."  But then he proceeded to say that we could still be together forever but I just need to get used to the idea that we're not going to have the formal commitment I want and that I can be hurt about it and go find someone else, or continue "endlessly dating" which is what he claims makes him mad in the first place. He said he has so much resentment built up he doesn't believe he can get over it.  With this information, I asked him what the desired intent of our argument was: 1) Would you prefer I leave and we never speak again so we can both focus on finding someone else, 2) Did you want to remain friends,  3) Other options I haven't thought of?  His response was: Ideally, you move in with me, we get married, you take my name and we be together forever.  Then he said, another nice talk where we don't get anywhere.

After what amounted to hours of fighting, he said "you can sleep up here tonight"  (indicating we would sleep separately).  I asked him if that is what he wanted or was offering.  He said, no of course I don't want to sleep without you. We sat beside each other on the couch for some time after which he started to break the silence and get my attention with silly behaviors, eventually reaching out to rub leg, hold my hand, etc. When we went to bed he got as close as he possibly could.  For some time he laid his head on mine as if he had something to say but never did. Throughout the night he would wake up and rub my back, or arm and pull me back in close. 

All of this to say, in person we are generally inseparable, lots of physical contact, cuddling, hugging, kissing. BUT his words vary from "I love you",  "Your my person", and "I don't ever want to be without you,"  "I want to live with you, be married to you, but I hate waiting" to "I hate you," "This is the worst relationship I've ever been in, I don't feel like there's a committment, love, etc," "you're a man hater," "go be that big strong independent woman you want to be and find someone else to put up with it"