What am I missing?

[HowdIgethere]

I have been working with a therapist who is helping me set boundaries for my BPD partner who is emotionally and verbally abusive. So much so that I moved out of the house six months ago. I’m still trying to make it work.

He sees his own therapist. Last week when I visited quickly, he got mad at me because he didn’t want to talk about the topic we were discussing any longer. He does that often. It doesn’t matter if it’s not resolved or if I have something to say, if he’s done, then the conversation should be done. I said, if we are going to be in a relationship, then I need to be able to speak and be heard. He told me to stop talking. Then he slammed his hands on the table and started a sentence by yelling. I immediately stood up to leave, gave him a chance to continue if he could do so calmly in which he said I was talking down to him like a child and being rude. I left.

He says he talked to his therapist and his friend about this. He said he tried to say what he needed by telling me to stop talking and I didn’t listen. He says all the time that this is an example of how I “poke” him, add fuel to the fire and ignore his needs. He said his friend and therapist both agree with him that I was in the wrong.

I explained to him that him dictating what I do is not the way to control his anger or other emotions. If he needed a few minutes to himself to calm down, he could say that and take the time. I’m fine with that. But him tell me how to act so he doesn’t react doesn’t seem right. If I stopped talking, then he wouldn’t have a reason to yell… that’s how he sees it. If I would have listened to his need of me being quiet as he started to get upset, he would have been able to control his anger.

What am I missing? I’m supposed to be working on no longer walking on eggshells by setting boundaries. This situation doesn’t accomplish that for me. I’m trying to set a boundary and then I get knocked back down so to speak. It’s the fact that he’s saying that two people agree with him that gets me confused as to whether I’m seeing it wrong. Either way, I’d like to know so I can work on this.

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[CC43]

Hi there,

What you describe sounds like a form of stonewalling and bullying to me.  My husband will do this to me sometimes.  For example, there might be a sensitive topic we need to discuss, such as a household bill which needs to be paid, or taxes where I need his forms in order to complete and submit a joint tax return.  He'll decide unilaterally that he doesn't want to pay any of the bill, and he won't provide me his tax forms; furthermore, he'll refuse to talk with me about the pressing issue at all.  He'll shout over me, slam a door or run to another room.  He might say, I don't want to talk about this.  If I say something rational like, we are legally required to file a tax return, he'll scream, "Stop talking.  Don't interrupt me!  I'm not discussing it."  If I approach him on another day, or another, or another, hoping he's in a better mood, I get the same response.  I think this is generic avoidance.  You might think of it as a trauma-based response, which is fight or flight.  Fighting is the screaming, and flight is a refusal to face the situation (procrastination).  On the other hand, if he yells loud enough and is intimidating enough, he might succeed in deferring the problem to yet another day.  Maybe he's being manipulative, thinking that if he's enough of a bully, you'll change your mind and do whatever he wants you to do.  That is a form of control.  I don't think this sort of behavior is limited to pwBPD.  In my opinion, BPD would mean the situation is highly emotionally charged.  In addition, the victim attitude--which is part of a pwBPD's identity--means that he will often flip the script and accuse YOU of bullying HIM (do you see the projection and blame-shifting here)?  The relationship starts to feel toxic, and you are stressed out because it seems impossible to talk about adult issues, without him blowing his top and stonewalling you.  No matter how nice you are, and how rational you are, he flips a switch and becomes a raging bully in under a second.

By the way, when your partner says that you talk down to him like a child, that is pure projection in my opinion.  That statement is code for his feeling childish, inferior and insecure, and probably less accomplished than other men his age.  He's ruminating about his inferiority so much that it's weighing heavily on his mind, and his preoccupation leaks out in stressful situations like the one you describe.

But it sounds like you have a good handle on how to respond.  You have your boundary:  if he shouts at you or orders you to stop talking, you exit the situation and give him space to calm down.  Here's the thing though:  pwBPD don't like boundaries.  He's pushing back, probably even harder than ever before.  That's known as an "extinction burst."  He's resorting to his usual behavior (bullying, shouting) to try to coerce you into doing what he wants.  When it doesn't work because of your boundary, he ups the ante.  The key is for you not to give in, because then his incentives are all messed up:  he learns that to get what he wants, he has to yell even louder.  I think you have to teach him how to treat you with respect, by only engaging with him when he's being respectful.  If he's disrespectful, you disengage.  It's just that with his rollercoaster emotions, he's a slow learner.  You might have to give him many, many tries.  Maybe eventually he'll learn, and the chances increase if he's taking therapy seriously.

[hiiumaa]

Hi there!

I agree with CC43 about the projection. I know very similar situations with my partner, when he said: „You are behaving like a teacher towards me.“
I could imagine, that they feel very insecure about strict boundaries. They know deep inside, that they should manage their behavior - but their defense mechanisms are too strong and so they have to find a way to get rid of the feelings of shame and guild - and they do it in this case with projection or stonewalling.

I also know the situation, that my partner tells me, that a therapist or friend said, HE is right and I am wrong. Hm… I can believe that or not. And another thing is: I know that in BPD-therapy the therapist sometimes at first validates the view of the person with bpd - and later comes back to the situation and tries to open bpd‘s mind to another perspective.

I think, your boundaries are clear and that‘s good. He doesn‘t like it, because he is confronted with his own inner where he doesn‘t want to look and feel.
If he will ever be able to step back in those moments? It is not only about HIS needs. It‘s both of you equally. And trying to move the „guilt“ to you is definitly not helpful to built trust.

Take care of you.

[HowdIgethere]

Thank you both so much for your advice and perspective. It’s very helpful and I appreciate it.