How to properly validate the feelings of my partner

[Gio0809]

This is my 2nd post. My first post was blindly typed during a fresh split episode with my partner. But when my partner splits, the method I use is just to shut down and not give it any value. Which is definitely not right but I guess i just try to protect myself by simply saying "Yeah you are right I am sorry".

If you want context I have a previous post in a rant format. However I really struggle seeing into the Lens of my partner. the trigger to our fight was because I showed worry and care to our pet cat which she felt that I never did that to her. At this point I am at self protect mode. I just apologize but I am failing to see the underlying issue that she does not feel cared for and completely blind sided with the thought that she is trying to get a reaction from me to prove if I care or not (She threatened to go out with her ex and even sleep with him). I thought I was acting calming when I decided to give her space but maybe I am the one who wanted it. Honestly speaking, I did not want to deal with it. In the period up to now that she isn't talking to me, I drowned myself in school work. Which I found more peaceful.

I do want to show her and care for her. But I just struggle doing that especially when I just see that everything and every bad feeling will be my fault.

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[Pook075]

Hi Gio and welcome to the family!  I'm sorry you're struggling with this and so many of us have been in the exact same position trying to figure out what the heck is going on.

Your BPD girlfriend is highly emotional, insecure, and in constant fear of being rejected.  Her deepest, darkest fears are someone realizing how broken she is, so she does whatever she can to hide that stuff.  But occasionally, things bubble to the surface and she goes into fight or flight mode.

For instance, you worrying over the cat...sounds harmless enough.  Yet in your girlfriend's mind, she's seeing how much you care and it made her realize that you never talk that way about her.  In an emotional state, she begins thinking about all the times you could have/should have been more loving to her (in her mind...this is disordered thinking here), yet you chose to do something mean and hurtful instead (again, disordered thinking).

In reality, she was sad, hid that from you, then she became jealous over a cat.  Yet in her mind, this could have been a week-long thing that was building and growing over time...without you having any idea.

Why does this matter if it's all imaginary?  Well, the 'facts' may be fake, but her feelings are 100% real and genuine.  If you're sad or happy or angry or any emotion, does it matter if it's for a good reason or not?  Nope, it doesn't- you're just feeling what you feel.

So what can you do?  Once you're talking again, simply change the narrative in her mind by learning to become more transparent with how you validate her feelings.  Build up her confidence by listening more, letting her know you're there for her, and most importantly, telling her that she's loved and appreciated. 

That sounds dumb, I know, and you probably feel like you already do that.

This is mental illness though where disordered thinking brings everything into question on a daily basis.  What she says now is how she feels in that moment, and she could feel completely different in a few hours...therefore her mindset will be completely different as well.  The actual problem with all this is that those conversations are happening within her head...it's all hidden...so you don't realize she's having a terrible day and just needs someone to tell her that she's a good person that's appreciated.

I know that's a lot, but I tried to give you a real glimpse into what BPD is like and how they think.  Hopefully it helps.

[Gio0809]

Thanks this helps, however doing this leaves me at a vulnerable state. Just now we were focused on her feelings, and what was making her feel bad. Then it escalated to me wanting to be with her just means I want her miserable haha. I'm learning to take everything she says with a grain of salt

[CC43]

Hi there,

The general advice on these boards is to validate feelings, but not "facts" that aren't true.  However, I've lived with pwBPD and highly emotional and reactive people for a long time now, and I've found that validation doesn't always seem to work.  When "validation" means they get extra attention from me, and they get a "free pass" for bad behavior, I think it's REWARDING them for their outbursts.  I've seen how the "rewards" lead to a gradual increase in bad behavior, unfair demands and blaming tactics.  While I understand that underlying the bad behavior are (i) deep insecurities and (ii) general deflection/distraction from core issues, that doesn't make it right in my opinion. 

So I guess that when the temper tantrums / henpecking / fight instigations / blaming seem to flare up, my general approach is to silently extricate myself from the situation.  That way, I'm not rewarding bad behavior with attention, even if it's negative attention, such as JADE (when you Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain your innocence).  Then I wait patiently for the loved one to calm down and do something nice, no matter how seemingly insignificant.  In those moments, I'm sure to lay on the praise.  In summary, I try to "reward" good behavior with my attention, and retreat when they're acting badly.  Now, I'm not saying that all feelings are "bad;" if there's a legitimate reason for feeling down--for a student, that might be a bad grade or general fatigue and stress during exams--I'll try to be understanding and validating of those feelings.  But if the loved one is picking fights with me, making ridiculous claims, or demanding something from me to "prove" I love them, I don't want to get involved.  Why?  Because the demands are completely unfair, and NOTHING I do will ever "prove" my devotion, except for the fact that I CHOOSE to be with them every day, and I treat them nicely.  If that's not enough, then that's their problem to sort out, but NOT by treating ME badly or unfairly.  I don't deserve that "punishment."  In sum, I let them have their tantrums, and engage only when they've calmed down.

If you want to know what's bugging your partner, listen for the feelings behind her complaints.  Many pwBPD "project" their feelings onto someone else.  If she's calling you selfish, narcissistic, stupid, childish or abusive, when you clearly aren't any of these things, what she's really doing is projecting her own behaviors and feelings onto you.  She's so obsessed about feeling these feelings about herself that they "escape" when she's stressed out, and they become accusations.  Does that ring true in your case?  For example, if her most frequent accusation of you is that you're not faithful, when you have been nothing but, then my suspicion is that she's considering cheating on you, if she hasn't already.  She might justify it by telling herself, she wants to hurt you for all the terrible things you've done to her, and you deserve to be cheated on.  Or she might think, you're sure to cheat on her, which would be devastating to her, so to prevent certain pain, she'll beat you to the punch.  That right there would be typical distorted BPD thinking, where emotions trump logic.

[Me88]

Hi there,

The general advice on these boards is to validate feelings, but not "facts" that aren't true.  However, I've lived with pwBPD and highly emotional and reactive people for a long time now, and I've found that validation doesn't always seem to work.  When "validation" means they get extra attention from me, and they get a "free pass" for bad behavior, I think it's REWARDING them for their outbursts.  I've seen how the "rewards" lead to a gradual increase in bad behavior, unfair demands and blaming tactics.  While I understand that underlying the bad behavior are (i) deep insecurities and (ii) general deflection/distraction from core issues, that doesn't make it right in my opinion. 

So I guess that when the temper tantrums / henpecking / fight instigations / blaming seem to flare up, my general approach is to silently extricate myself from the situation.  That way, I'm not rewarding bad behavior with attention, even if it's negative attention, such as JADE (when you Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain your innocence).  Then I wait patiently for the loved one to calm down and do something nice, no matter how seemingly insignificant.  In those moments, I'm sure to lay on the praise.  In summary, I try to "reward" good behavior with my attention, and retreat when they're acting badly.  Now, I'm not saying that all feelings are "bad;" if there's a legitimate reason for feeling down--for a student, that might be a bad grade or general fatigue and stress during exams--I'll try to be understanding and validating of those feelings.  But if the loved one is picking fights with me, making ridiculous claims, or demanding something from me to "prove" I love them, I don't want to get involved.  Why?  Because the demands are completely unfair, and NOTHING I do will ever "prove" my devotion, except for the fact that I CHOOSE to be with them every day, and I treat them nicely.  If that's not enough, then that's their problem to sort out, but NOT by treating ME badly or unfairly.  I don't deserve that "punishment."  In sum, I let them have their tantrums, and engage only when they've calmed down.

If you want to know what's bugging your partner, listen for the feelings behind her complaints.  Many pwBPD "project" their feelings onto someone else.  If she's calling you selfish, narcissistic, stupid, childish or abusive, when you clearly aren't any of these things, what she's really doing is projecting her own behaviors and feelings onto you.  She's so obsessed about feeling these feelings about herself that they "escape" when she's stressed out, and they become accusations.  Does that ring true in your case?  For example, if her most frequent accusation of you is that you're not faithful, when you have been nothing but, then my suspicion is that she's considering cheating on you, if she hasn't already.  She might justify it by telling herself, she wants to hurt you for all the terrible things you've done to her, and you deserve to be cheated on.  Or she might think, you're sure to cheat on her, which would be devastating to her, so to prevent certain pain, she'll beat you to the punch.  That right there would be typical distorted BPD thinking, where emotions trump logic.

perfectly put. After thinking about this for the past 9 months, I don't think there is a real way to validate them when they think you're the problem. If they have a bad day or something outside of the relationship occurs, they tend to appreciate you listening and telling them how you totally see how they could feel this way. At least mine did. Then again there were many times where those external factors came out in a rage against me...and you said it...I JADE'd a lot. Logic does not work even if it's as clear as day. These relationships really destroy you in many ways.

[Gio0809]

Silently removing yourself from the situation is good. Each time I did that I was called a gross pussy for doing so. She really knows how to hold grudges when it comes to these things. I tried to focus of feeling secure with myself so I don't have the need to JADE. Anyway just now I am working late night on a case study, it's 2:30 am and I was in call with her. She fell asleep in call and I never left her but decided to pick a fight when she woke up because I did not text her what I was doing while she was asleep (I did let her know my plans of the day hours before). Anyway at the moment she is texting me that I am the worse partner and she would rather die than be with me. I am just a bit pissed because my productivity has been put to a stall because of this. But yeah you are right, she shouldn't be rewarded for acting out

[CC43]

Hi there,

In the case you just mentioned--her texting you mean and outrageous thoughts--my advice is, do not respond.  Treat her message as Spam (and delete it from your brain), because it is Spam.  Chances are that the next day, she'll pretend she didn't send you any mean text(s).  If you pretend like you didn't get the text, she can hope that you missed it.  That is a good outcome in my opinion.

P.S. It's very unlikely that a pwBPD will apologize, because apologizing means taking responsibility.  She resists that, because in her twisted mind, you DESERVED to get a mean text.

[Pook075]

Your partner is hurt and that's genuine.  What made her hurt might not be genuine.  See that it's two different things.

For instance, let's pretend I'm mad at you because a neighbor said you stole my garden hose.  Someone stealing from me and feeling angry...that's genuine, that's real.  But what if you didn't steal my hose?  I'm angry just the same because my garden hose is gone.  That's why I'm saying the feelings part is genuine...it's not imaginary and for your gal, she's actually hurt.

The reason she's angry/sad/whatever might not be valid though, and that's where you come in.

If I see you and say, "You stupid jerk, you stole my garden hose and I hate you!!!"  Well, there's many ways you can respond.  Maybe you yell back, so I yell some more, etc.  Or maybe you just walk away without speaking, which makes me think you definitely stole my hose and you're being an arrogant jerk about it.

Another option would you to say, "Woah, I'd never steal your garden hose. I'd be super mad as well and we should go find out what really happened together."

There's many ways to handle it- but really only one path that validates how I feel and makes us allies.  Can you see that?  You're not validating the "hose thief" line of thinking, you're simply validating that you see my hurt and can relate to it.

Make sense?