How to quit without guilt

[Bigsis1956]

I am working through the stop walking on eggshells workbook. Well, I deeply appreciate the information. It seems geared to continuing the relationship with the person with BDP as the only option. she is undiagnosed and for 35 years we have thought we were dealing with bipolar disorder. As of last February, she has cut off contact with me and in my research it seems that either she has BTD in addition or instead of. Of course, I am not able to diagnose and not suggesting that. However, I was once her confidence and now she is deeply disappointed in me all the time and I think very angry. I really have had enough. I’m exhausted. I have had lots of therapy and have done my best to communicate in non-judgmental and skillful ways however nothing has been helpful for several years. Just wondering if there is support for a different path beside staying in communication with this person.

[ForeverDad]

It's not surprising you hadn't known more than Bi-polar.  In decades past it was the go-to label to get therapy.

It appears that many people with acting-out Borderline traits (pwBPD) never get diagnosed.  It has been noted that in past decades when there was little focused therapy available, most insurance would not cover BPD since it was viewed as incurable.  So many therapists would instead diagnose Bi-polar, which expressed similar symptoms, instead since that therapy was covered.

Bi-polar is seen as a largely chemical or hormone imbalance and so its issues may be resolved with drugs.  However, though BPD may be moderated with drugs, there is always a risk of the patient stopping the drugs.  BPD is a Personality Disorder and the core issues are the person's own personality and warped perceptions, most often exhibited with excessive self-interest.  So it is, to some extent, perceptions (with ever changing moods and feelings) versus reality (facts and documentation).

Cognitive or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT or CBT) have had the best results but outcomes will vary, of course.

But a diagnosis is not necessary for you to observe, conclude what you're dealing with and deal with things as they appear.

I first came here due to my growing marital discord.  But I've come to recognize BPD patterns in others here and there.  One is a sibling who I always considered grumpy.  After my parents had both died, that sibling was given the option to decide the extent of his bequest.  Sibling's delays held up the estate for a couple years.  Finally when the estate moved forward, that sibling was angry that his financial share hadn't arrived yet after a few weeks.  Was there any consideration for the other siblings who had to wait two years for their portions?  No.  Is it any wonder I haven't spoken since, nearly a decade now?  Want to know who my next door neighbor is?  Yeah, it's like that. I let it go.  There's a saying, Let Go and Let God.

[Pook075]

My daughter is diagnosed BPD/bipolar.  Know that BPD is a newer diagnosis within the past 20-30 years, and it's often mistaken as something else (PTSD, ADD, Bipolar, etc).  There's also a lot of bad information around the internet about what BPD actually is.

As for your direct question, the Eggshells book does a good job of describing boundaries and how to enforce them.  A boundary is something for you, a rule, and you expect others to follow that rule if they're going to be in your life.  However, you only have control over you...and you can't make anyone else respect your boundaries.

For example, let's say I decide that I'm not going to argue with people anymore.  We can talk, we can have a heated debate, but as soon as someone starts to anger and voices are raised, I'm finished with the conversation.

That's my boundary, my rule.  And let's say you and I start arguing.  What happens next?  Should I argue with you about why you shouldn't argue with me?  That sort of defeats the purpose.  The only answer in that scenario would be for me to calmly explain that I don't want to argue and I'll walk away.

Now, maybe you see my point, and calmly explain that you don't want to argue anymore either.  Okay, that's great!  Now we can talk some more and maybe be friends.  But once another argument starts, I'm going right back to my boundary once again....if we have to argue about this, I'm walking away.

Can you see the pattern here?  It's my boundary, but I'm putting you in control.  If you're nice, I stay.  If you're mean, I leave.  You have all the control in this scenario and I'm just doing what I said up front.  The decision part- I'm giving you complete control do to whatever you want, and I'll respond appropriately.

If someone in your life is reaping havoc, yet you're feeling guilty for walking away, then you're doing a poor job of enforcing and/or explaining boundaries.  Let them make the decisions...it's not about you at all.  You're just letting them know that you want a relationship, but you can't keep doing x, y, and z.