Ex husband is in jail

[I Am Redeemed]

I made the mistake of going back to him and now he's in jail for assault and I am having to take four of my kids and move to a small town just outside the county line.

I have S14, S12, D11, and S9 with me. D17 lives with a friend from church who is a trauma therapist. D18 is in college in the town we're moving to.

The world turned upside down the past couple of weeks.

I'm in the same spot I was in when I first came here and I'm feeling all kinds of things about that. S9 was 2 when I first went through this.

[ForeverDad]

I'm sorry to hear your 'gotcha' from the past somehow had gotten past prior boundaries.  It can happen.  Don't feel bad about having to rebuild them.  You're dealing with "What IS".

I think it could be starting to happen to me too.  Nearly 20 years ago when I arrived here my marriage had imploded and I spent the next 8 years in and out of family court.  And it was all about custody and parenting.  Our child is grown now but still lives with me.  The strong boundaries have weakened since ex comes to visit him here, even cooks a meal, etc.  I've already had to say if ex is between homes she can't live here even temporarily, so I too see how boundaries can weaken over time.

[I Am Redeemed]

He was sober and I let him back into our lives. I was struggling to pay the bills and we ended up having to move in with him.

I guess just being away from him, I forgot how bad it can get.

And, of course, it never starts out as bad as it can get. That happens gradually, and the situation escalates

We don't have to get divorced again, and I have full custody of the kids.

CPS is involved and I am worried about his reaction when I put a protection order on him for the kids and me.

[Pook075]

He was sober and I let him back into our lives. I was struggling to pay the bills and we ended up having to move in with him.

I guess just being away from him, I forgot how bad it can get.

And, of course, it never starts out as bad as it can get. That happens gradually, and the situation escalates

We don't have to get divorced again, and I have full custody of the kids.

CPS is involved and I am worried about his reaction when I put a protection order on him for the kids and me.

We talked about this a little in another thread so I'll go a different route here.

The biggest challenge for BPDs is learning that actions have consequences.  He might be sitting in jail thinking about "what you did to him" instead of "how he got himself there."  He might leave the jail angry and become even more livid once he finds out about the protective order.  And you might have to have him arrested all over again if he chooses to violate that order.

Everything I shared is his thought process; it does not have to be yours.

Just like the boundaries we teach on this site, he's dealing with legal boundaries that are enforceable.  Follow the law and nothing happens.  Do your own thing and go back to jail.  Eventually he will "get it" or even better, he'll have a complete meltdown and actually take his mental health seriously.  Again, all of that is on him; it's not your burden anymore.

 You can't worry about "if" he will get mad or do something stupid.  If he does, dial 9-1-1 before he even gets out of his car.  Your focus has to be on yourself and the kids.

I'm so sorry you're in this position and as I said in the other thread, I'm rooting for you and for him.  It would be great if the kids could have a real father someday.  All you can do is take this one day at a time though.

[I Am Redeemed]

He's going to be in jail until at least December, unless something crazy happens (not impossible, especially where I live).

I'm so accustomed to assessing his moods and what might set him off

I sincerely hope he gets some help, but I am not in a position to help him towards that. He will have to come to that conclusion on his own.

I'm trying to focus on one day at a time, I really am. It's so easy to get overwhelmed when I think about all the responsibilities and tasks I have to complete. I am journaling and writing down lists; that helps me organize my thoughts and reduces anxiety.

My OCD is working overtime about the "perfect" way to go about sorting and packing and cleaning. That often leads to a cycle of overwhelm and procrastination. I am giving myself permission to be "lazy" tonight and start organizing tomorrow, one small section at a time, one or two boxes at a time, of necessary. I can get momentum going that way.

We should be moved in our new house by next weekend.

[Pook075]

He's going to be in jail until at least December, unless something crazy happens (not impossible, especially where I live).

I'm so accustomed to assessing his moods and what might set him off

I sincerely hope he gets some help, but I am not in a position to help him towards that. He will have to come to that conclusion on his own.

I'm trying to focus on one day at a time, I really am. It's so easy to get overwhelmed when I think about all the responsibilities and tasks I have to complete. I am journaling and writing down lists; that helps me organize my thoughts and reduces anxiety.

My OCD is working overtime about the "perfect" way to go about sorting and packing and cleaning. That often leads to a cycle of overwhelm and procrastination. I am giving myself permission to be "lazy" tonight and start organizing tomorrow, one small section at a time, one or two boxes at a time, of necessary. I can get momentum going that way.

We should be moved in our new house by next weekend.

After I divorced last year w/ my BPD ex, I had to get the house ready to sell and pack everything myself.  It was a 5 bedroom/4 bath house with a 2/2 cabin on five acres with a 2 car detached garage, a pool, a large shed, etc.  I was so overwhelmed it wasn't even funny, and I put it off as long as possible because I had no idea where to start.

The packing wasn't bad though and I did what you said- one room at a time.  I made three piles; keep, donate, and trash.  All I'd do is sort into the three piles, then I'd pack the "keepers" and take the rest to Goodwill and the recycling center all in one shot in the evenings.  Within a week, the house was packed and ready.

While it seems like such a huge undertaking, you will get through it one way or the other.  Maybe it takes a week...or maybe a month.  It is what it is; you have some time.

[I Am Redeemed]

You're right, and I keep reminding myself that I do have time and if we get the important stuff first, I can get the goodwill piles later.

Three piles sounds manageable.

He's calling and texting me from jail asking me to stay at the house. I can't. CPS wants us gone

I'm scared because I have started having communication with him and I shouldn't be.

I just wanted to know if he was all right. Now he's asking me to give him money and to try to get him to his physical therapy appointments. His family is going to have to help with that. I can't. I'm not even supposed to be talking to him.

I'm really confused and getting scared that I'm getting myself deeper into this than I can manage.

[ForeverDad]

You're right, you shouldn't be communicating with him, depending on the terms of the order.  And for good reason... If you're communicating with him that might be basis (in his mind) for him to claim you're weakening the protective order.

No you can't drive him anywhere, that would put you alone with him and its a slippery slope after that if not dangerous too.

Remember the refrain here... you couldn't fix him in the past and you can't fix him now.  There might be permitted or ordered father contact, sounds like that may even be limited to (professionally!) supervised when he is out.

[CC43]

Wow, you've been through a lot.  It's too bad that things went south again, but that's untreated BPD.

I agree with Pook; I think you needn't worry too much about your ex--even if that's really hard, because he's behind the mess.  But maybe you can try letting go, at least while he's behind bars.  I think you ought to focus 100% on you and the kids.  You and they deserve that.  He's an adult, he's the one who needs to worry about him.  You worry about you.

I know how overwhelming it is to move.  I just went through a major move myself.  I guess my approach was to start with a "big" list--the list of everything I had to do in order to get the move done.  (I happened to have two "big" lists going in parallel, because I was simultaneously managing some of my mom's affairs).  Any time I thought of something I had to do, I'd email myself a message to make sure I added the item to my big list(s) at the end of the day.  I found that this approach helped me, because it allayed my fears about forgetting something.  But my "big" list got so long that it didn't even fit on one piece of paper!  Since the "big" list was overwhelming to look at, I also made a "daily" to-do list on a small Post-it note.  Every evening, I'd review my schedule of appointments for the next day, together with the "big" list, and I'd select a few of the most urgent items to address, break them down into achievable tasks, and write them down on my Post-it, which I kept with me throughout the day.  Since the Post-it note was small, the list of daily tasks didn't seem nearly as overwhelming.  If I had an appointment the next day, I'd set an alarm on my phone, to ensure I wouldn't forget.  The next morning, I'd tackle the toughest item on the Post-it first (since I'm more of a morning person), and once I got that done, boy did it help me build momentum.  There was something about having the day planned out the night before that felt comforting.  And it felt really satisfying to cross a few items off the "big" list every evening.  Eventually I got through the move and almost every item of the "big" list.  Any outstanding item just wasn't important or urgent enough to get done right away.

Another tactic I used is the semi-famous Pomodoro method, which is named after a vintage, tomato-shaped kitchen alarm.  Basically, you set your timer or phone alarm for a chunk of time--the recommendation is to start with 25 minutes.  You tackle your task for 25 minutes straight, with no interruption or distractions, not even looking at a text on your phone.  I know, this is hard with kids.  But the point is, you stay focused for 25 minutes on your task, and when the timer goes off, you are rewarded with a 5-minute break.  You repeat the work/break interval three more times, and when you're done, you get a longer rest of 30 minutes.  This is when you'd relax with a cup of tea, stretch your legs on a small walk, grab lunch or answer some text messages.  Then you repeat with four more Pomodoros (work intervals).  In total, you aim to achieve four * four Pomodoro work intervals in a day, for a total of nearly seven hours of intense work.  The point is, because it's hard to maintain focus and intensity for a long time, the timer reminds you to stay on-task and rewards you with little breaks.  If you lose your focus, you're supposed to re-start the timer.  I find that this method provides some structure and needed motivation when tasks are amorphous, such as packing or cleaning.  It helps me to reduce procrastination, because sometimes the hardest part is getting started.  If you find you're building momentum, then feel free to increase the focus time.  Sometimes I use 40 or 45 minutes. 

Finally, because moving is physically taxing, I found it helped me to take a "preemptive" ibuprofen sometimes, to lessen the aches and pains.  I also bought some inexpensive cotton gloves as well as disposable, non-latex gloves to wear while cleaning and packing--they helped keep my hands cleaner and freer of irritating scrapes and cleaning chemicals.  I would treat myself to the occasional Coca-Cola--the extra sugar and caffeine really seemed to help.  I don't normally drink soda, so that was a little pick-me-up when I was moving.  I lost around 3% of my body weight after moving, it was that hard.  But it's all worth it in the end.

All my best to you.

[I Am Redeemed]

Thank you,

You're right, you shouldn't be communicating with him, depending on the terms of the order.  And for good reason... If you're communicating with him that might be basis (in his mind) for him to claim you're weakening the protective order.

No you can't drive him anywhere, that would put you alone with him and its a slippery slope after that if not dangerous too.

Remember the refrain here... you couldn't fix him in the past and you can't fix him now.  There might be permitted or ordered father contact, sounds like that may even be limited to (professionally!) supervised when he is out.

He wants me to call the jail and ask them how he can be allowed to go to his physical therapy. I'm not going to do that. His cousins are coming to see him today; he can ask them to call the jail for him

I don't have the finances to fund calls from jail, so once his money runs out, he's done communicating with anyone for a while unless someone else gives him some money.

I'm really trying to journal to understand why I don't take actions that I should take to protect myself.

I'm a childhood trauma survivor, so there's a lot of behaviors I have that are tied to that.

CC43, thank you for the suggestions. I like the idea of small work intervals with short breaks.

I'm just going to start. One box at a time, right?

If I can spend 25 minutes packing, and then take a small break, I think that would really help me with feeling overwhelmed.

I'm really taking care of a lot right now. Kids in therapy, I'm in therapy. There's court dates coming up, med appointments for the kids and me, I really went on a mission finding us this house and the money to get in it . Plus, I had to go to the dentist and get three teeth pulled and my partial dentures fitted during all this, too.


 

Wow, you've been through a lot.

Yes. I try to give myself grace for that. I need to be realistic in my expectations for myself.

[Pook075]

Again, one day at a time, one step at a time.  It's the same for moving or training to become an astronaut...there's always a first step and the rest comes later.  Just do the very first thing and no matter what, you're one step closer than you were before.

You can and will do this!

The stuff with your husband, that's complicated and you're not going to figure it all out overnight.  Again though, one step at a time, one day at a time.  This isn't about wins and losses, it's about moving forward in a healthy way to get to the next phase in life.

Did you mess up by talking to him?  Yeah, probably.  But so what?  You're human and you care about the jerk.  Give yourself some grace and don't get hung up on what you did wrong or could have done better.  Every person on Earth has regrets, but it's what they do next that defines them.

[I Am Redeemed]

I really appreciate you saying that.

Getting up today with small goals that I can adjust.

Going to pack for 25 minutes and take a five minute break, as suggested, and I think that will give me the dopamine I need to keep going.

I've been journaling some more.

My ex's cousins are involved now, and they are helping him with what they can.

I'm too broke to pay for any more messages so I will not be communicating with him.

I've got to save all I can for moving. Found some free moving boxes which saved a couple hundred dollars. 

Celebrating little wins

I am talking with some survivors in a social media group. Scary how many people experience this. I don't feel isolated anymore.

I do and will care about him but I can't let that lead my life. The kids and I have to come first.