I broke NC and now I'm devastated

[athena wanderer]

I was doing so well.  Genuinely feeling peace. But I caved and broke no contact.

I am worse off than I have been in a very long time.

This time my pwBPD cautiously open the conversation door but within a couple of hours of talking indicated an interest in trying again.  I replied cautiously and questioned their ability to do so.  They started off sweet, kind, interested, wanting to plan face-to-face time, etc. (as totally expected) and talk about specific concerns they had. BUT the disassociation and discard happened in under 3 days time this time with paragraphs of everything I've ever done wrong in our relationship, how they no longer respect me, how they haven't been able to look me in the eye for almost a year, how this is the most f'd up relationship they've ever been in, that I can f-off and die. Claimed our relationship wasn't worth salvaging because it was only a 6 never a 10. (Nevermind we were engaged and pregnant and he wrote love poetry about it) - then ended the tirade by blocking me absolutely everywhere possible with these final words:

"I blocked because I refuse to deal with any excessive drama that I don't otherwise need to. I deal with enough drama in real life with you.  I chose to live in a bubble; I only have friends because I don't have a woman. If I had a woman I would have no need for friends."

I simply said:

"Ok"
"Goodnight"

Then my pwBPD responded:
"Night Miss"
"I sure wish what was important to you was important to me and vice versa"
"And I love you too"

Then the hard block

I was doing so well, but now I'm just more devastated than ever because he basically minimized and made a mockery of everything we had as terrible, awful, a waste of time.  AND while I know he's incapable of managing his emotions, if felt calculated and cold.  I've never felt calculated harm or indifference from him before.

Prior to contact he had told a mutual friend he was out of state and would get back to them in the spring - this aligned with the goals of the original break-up because "I (me) can't leave this life to join him and that isn't helping him meet his life goals" I'm dragging him down.  During the tirade, he asked if I thought what he told our mutual friend was "funny" so what I thought had probably been testing to see if I'd respond / interest in me,  now feels like intent to harm with a "ha ha look at how I'm living the life you can't have"  except that every part of what he told them was a lie and he's still stuck here.

To end by saying I LOVE YOU TOO?!!!!!!!  (I'm aware that it doesn't have to make sense) I just wish I could feel certain that at some point he did love me and all the hate and minimizations aren't true (but they probably are for him in the moment) ... that it mean something because by god it meant something to me.


Thanks for listening.

[Pook075]

First off- I'm so sorry.  My breakup with my BPD ex-wife went pretty much the same way.  We'd get together and things were good.  Yet somehow, the next day, she's telling me that I'm a horrible person who always betrayed her and she'd bring up things from 20 years ago. 

It's so hard because it just doesn't make any sense.

Here's what happens through a BPD lens though.  You make contact, they get excited, things are going good, and then a little voice in the back of their head says, "You're playing with fire...remember when she did this, this and that!?!"  So they start having conversations within their minds examining all the evidence...most of which is not being recalled accurately...and they come to the conclusion that this person they loved so much is out to ruin their entire existence.

Why?  Because BPD is a serious mental illness and the people who see the worst of it are the people they love the most...because that's also the people they'll have the most conflict with.

Him saying he loves you is absolutely true- that was his way of trying to say goodbye in a kind way.  It's heartbreaking because he's his own worst enemy and everything he said was to chase you away so he didn't have to face his internal fears.  He probably didn't mean 90% of it...that's just how a BPD protects themselves.

At least you know now what future interactions will bring.  Please understand that this wasn't you, this is 100% a mental illness thing.  I'm so sorry you're hurting and I hope you can find what's next quickly.  Please continue to talk this out!