Communication with other about pwbpd

[15years]

Hi!

About pwbpd in conflict with others (i.e. not me) - After, in the middle, or before something is about to occur, is there a healthy way to communicate with others about the situation at hand? Avoiding to step into a rescue role on either side, but at the same help to avoid unnecessary negative impact on the rs between pwbpd and others. And avoid pressure on me as a result.

I sometimes feel that I see how easily something could be kind of resolved, but others don't realize it. But I guess I should just let things happen without getting involved?


Another question.
I've heard that BPDs are emotionally like a child, but is there any less offensive way to put this. Also, the childish part of it according to me is more that they idealize things to an extreme. Children can be great at not reacting emotionally and get over things quickly.

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[Notwendy]

I think more information (not identifying info) is needed to understand what you are asking here and also what your goals are if you choose to intervene.

Reading between the lines here- when you say pressure on you. If this were my situation- my BPD mother perceived people as being on her side or not her side. This was Karmpan triangle dynamics- she was in Victim perspective and her expectation was that my father would "take her side" against the other person. That was the pressure on him. It's not directly rescuing but it still is rescuer position- aligning with "her side".

The pressure on him involved expecting him to distance himself from someone who he knew didn't deserve this, or someone he cared about. It might be a mutual friend, or a family member-usually on his side. The desire/pressure to smooth things over would be his wishing to maintain both relationships. However, you can't control someone else's feelings so there's no way to make your wife feel differently about anyone or anything.

Saying anything to the other person to explain the situation truthfully- that my mother had BPD, would be seen by her as the ultimate betrayal, causing her to be angry and hurt and disrupt the relationship.

My own thoughts about this is that- if the relationship with the other person is a boundary you wish to maintain- even if your wife has issues with that person- you will need to be able to maintain the boundary even if it upsets your wife. If you can not do this, then the relationship with the other person may not be maintainable.

If the issue your wife has with the other person doesn't involve you, let the other person have their own conclusion, no need to intervene. They will have their own feelings and boundaries.

As to how to explain childlike behavior- "has difficulty with emotional regulation" "impulsive" "feels hurt easily" might be descriptors that fit.

[thankful person]

I think it is a codependent habit to try and help our pwbpd’s out with their relationships with others. I have tried everything to get my bpdw to get along with my mother and it just doesn’t work. My mother has half-heartedly tried the “caretaking” I have recommended, but generally isn’t interested and she’d rather not see the grandchildren than jump through ridiculous hoops to do so. I am doing my best with this. As for my wife’s friendships and family relationships, I leave well alone. For a start, if I can validate her feelings when splitting on others it somewhat takes the target off me for a while. She finds relationships of all kinds hard, and going to college this term has hopefully made her realise that while new friends may seem amazing at first, they are just people, and won’t stick around if you don’t treat them very well. This situation is exacerbated by the fact that my wife tends to befriend others who have mental health problems, for example one of her best friends at college has a mother with bpd. It’s ironic to hear that my wife’s told her friends that she had a bpd diagnosis years ago but she’s “better now”.

[Under The Bridge]

The problem I found with BPD - or at least with my exBPD g/f - was that because they see everything as pure black and white, they can also see others that way too and not regard them as neutral or 'not involved'. They have to be either for her or against her, simple as that.

When my g/f was okay, she talked to my friends; when she was splitting she suddenly didn't like them anymore. This also applied to her own friends too - when she was with me she would criticise them but when I was painted black, they were suddenly her dearest friends.

A lot of people who knew jus both equally would try to step in and help when we had a breakup but all she saw was 'they're his friends and I don't like them now'.

[Notwendy]

What I noticed in this post was that 15years was feeling pressured.  If a pwBPD is having conflict with their own friend, it would be their own issue to deal with.

There are different reasons for the pressure. One is if the conflict is with a mutual friend or family member. How to have a relationship with this other person that the pwBPD is having conflict with, whether or not to explain, or what to do or say to maintain that relationship with the other person if at all possible.

The other person also has their own choices or feelings- what do they choose to do in this situation.

[15years]

In this particular case, the person who she has a problem with is my sister. There was a birthday-party at my sister house and my wife wasn't mentioned or seen in a instagram story my sister shared afterwards. W says it's deliberate.
- W dm:d my sister and asked what's up with that.
- Sis said she hadn't noticed that she wasn't on the pictures, but thanked my wife for the party - "it was fun tonight" or something like that.
- W replied that she wasn't tagged on the picture either.
No response after that but I guess my sister thinks everything's fine. W however told me she wants me to stand up for her before I speak to my sister again. And I'm kind of stalling at this point because it's not like I am in direct contact with my sister every week anyway.
Later I think my W said something about the whole thing maybe being a bit unnecessary of her... But I don't trust that either.

The solution could be that I speak to my sister and say that my wife is sensitive to being left out and that if possible, try not to do that again, even though I believer her when she says it wasn't her intention... Is that too much? I could also add that I think W has some odd ideas sometimes but that it's better to just leave it be, deep down W wants loving relationships with everyone.

To my W I would say that I told my sister that excluding W makes her upset and that I asked Sis to be careful not to do that again.

The thing is if I do nothing, W will pull the "you are a coward"-card. And that is always a road to chaos. Doing a small gesture taking her side is almost always better than doing nothing. And if I do it thoughtfully it might not even upset anyone. I don't think I need to make it a big deal. But if I do nothing it could become a big deal.

My sister isn't a complicated individual anyway and we trust each other. I have talked to her about my wife a few times and it never seems to affect their relationship.

[Notwendy]

From my own family dynamics, and from reading posts about similar dynamics,  it makes sense that her issue is with your sister. You already know that your wife has issues with any females she perceives as a threat and while it doesn't make rational sense to feel this way about mothers and sisters, - feelings are not rational.

This is classic Karmpman triangle dynamics. My BPD mother perceived people as "being on her side or not her side". If she decided that someone was not on her side, the expectation was that my father would align with her against that other person.

While another concern was to preserve my mother's self image and not reveal her issues to other people, as far as my father's family was concerned- that horse was already out of the barn. Whether or not my father said anything to them, they already caught on to issues. They didn't enable her, but they did keep quiet about her around us and were cordial to her for my father's sake and for us kids too.

Your wife took offense at the post your sister made. She's in victim mode. You are expected to align with her and defend her as rescuer. If you don't do that, the issue might escalate. I think in this case, saying to your sister that your wife is sensitive about this is OK and your sister can be aware of this in the future. This doesn't mean your wife won't feel offended at something else your sister does as well.

I think if you communicate with your sister that you care about her and that this is a difficult situation for you  she might be willing to go along with this.  She will have her own limits with your wife but hopefully an Instagram post is probably not one of them.