I want to stay but he isnt helping himself

[Luckyduckie55]

Hi, so my husband was supposed to be diagnosed with bpd but some how the doctor didnt do it. My threapist actually alerted both of us to his diagnosis. I got him into intensive care he stopped yelling at me, he was discharged and he still treats me like im a villain. Aleays says I never listen or do what he asks, wont talk kindly to me when he us mad. Probably the worst is his memory is above my own and he fabricated things in his favor. He does more stuff but thats just what I thought of right now.
I want to stay with him but I also don't want to think im crazy, none of his family believes he has bpd because he was normal before me. Am I the problem?
 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family! 

Let's start with your question- you are not the problem.  The problem is mental illness and BPD is generally the worst for people that are the closest to the person with mental illness.  His family wouldn't see that and they might not understand it either.  There's no use arguing with them over it.

How old are you and your husband?

For the fabricated memories, he's telling "his truth" and it's not necessarily how anyone else would see it.  There's no use arguing over that either because that's the crux of the mental illness.  He always feels like a victim and arguing only makes things worse since he feels rejected.

Let me ask; what are you doing for your mental health?  Is there a friend, neighbor, or family member you regularly talk to?  Accepting his abusive behavior is not okay, and you need to take some space when things start to get out of hand.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi @Luckyduckie55 ,

I see you have already gotten excellent advice. But I need to add something about the diagnostic. If you put some pressure on your husband to go into therapy so that he gets diagnosed, that will backfire. He can only be diagnosed if he genuinely desires to know it and fully cooperates by being honest. It also requires a specialist and multiple sessions to ensure that the patient feels well-known and relaxed.

If you talk about BPD as a negative reaction of yours to the episodes in which your partner treated you poorly, they will then see it as a bad thing, as if the diagnosis would legitimize you and invalidate them.

With my ex-wife, I hardly ever talked about the disorder, because I didn't want her reaction, but the problem was the motivation I had to talk about it and the timing I used. I talked at moments in which she was very dysphoric and complaining non-stop. This was a mistake. Because the diagnosis for me was a way for her to see that she has a serious problem and hopefully get off my back.

The best moment is when the couple is reapproximating in a lovely and compassionate moment. With my current wife, our bond is much stronger, so I could do that. I actually feel sad for the fact that she also has BPD, and it took time for me to accept it. But then finally I began to show her information about it, showed her the symptoms for her to check, and last week she took the initiative to ask her therapist about it, and it was confirmed. So because now she knows it, that makes things a bit better in terms of treatment acceptance at least. And she immediately shared the news with her mother and sister.

Avoid trying to convince his family, unless you are just bringing an explanation for very severe episodes that they have witnessed. And yet it's a difficult conversation that will only work if they are on your side, and yet if they talk about this to your partner, you may have serious problems. I was lucky because I was able to tell her family before she was diagnosed officially and lucky that they didn't tell her about our conversation, but still I realize that this was an unnecessary risk that I took.