What can I do?

[ArianaDumbledore]

New poster. Through research I believe my husband has BPD, which explains many of his behaviors. So now I'm looking for advice on our most recent conflict.

He's been acting suspicious of me for over a year, and it has been driving me crazy because we have been together for seven years and I have always been faithful. I never believed it was projection, just paranoia, and I was right. A couple weeks ago he finally let it out.

We had dated briefly when we were 14 years old, and he said awhile back he found an email in a saved folder between me and my HS best friend (I have the same email address that I had as a teenager, and H and I share the account), with me saying something about liking another guy more than my boyfriend (no name mentioned, I do not remember this conversation), and he claims this conversation occurred when he and I were dating. There was also a second conversation between me and this guy arranging to hang out. I do remember having a crush on this other guy, and I do remember discussing hanging out with him, but nothing ever came of it. The timeline is hazy to me now, but I could have sworn this crush was before H and I had started dating.

I had cleared out my email folders months ago, without knowing he had looked in them. I had been reorganizing emails and folders, and those were all pure teenage nonsense, I hadn't even looked in them in years, so they got deleted. I never thought I would need them to refute accusations. Of course my deleting them was "suspicious" even though at the time I knew nothing of his thoughts.

He basically said he had me on some sort of pedestal thinking I was perfect, and now he "know[s I'm] not as innocent as [ I ] pretend to be." And if I was capable then, then why not now? In his mind, I have made a huge offense and even though it was over ten years ago when we were kids, it's new to him so it feels new. I tried to be empathetic, and I even apologized for 14 year old me, but at the same time I'm hurt. He basically accused me of having an emotional affair on him when we were kids and it hurts that he feels he can't trust me now because I "hid" it from him for years.

So I don't know where to go from here. I thought we had a marriage built on trust, but he obviously does not trust me and I don't know how to fix that. How do I make up for something that I don't really believe I did, and barely even remember? And that in all honesty, I don't think should be that big of a deal with such little and questionable evidence.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Ariana,

Welcome to the board . Jealousy is a very common issue with pwBPD. Sometimes the slightest thing could trigger them into thinking you are interested in other people. It stems from their fear of rejection. The more you try to convince them that you are not cheating, the worse the accusations get.

We have a phrase around here called ":)on't JADE." it stands for ":)on't Justify, Aruge, Defend, or Explain." because when you do this, your pwBPD will see it as trying to cover up guilt. We also suggest that you don't validate the invalid. His accusatoins against you are invalid. By apologizing for things you did not do, this validates to him that he was correct in his faulty thinking. Here is a link to one of our workshops on dealing with a jealous partner.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0

I would also suggest that you begin reading the lessons on the right side of the page. There are so many things for you to learn as far as communicating better with your pwBPD and for taking care of yourself.