He moved out this morning - cold and pragmatic

[Alz123]

My undiagnosed BPD husband of only 2.5 years moved out this morning after I initiated a separation about a month ago.

I have been hurt before in relationships and I truly trusted this man with everything. I was very careful at the start, constantly looking for signs of emotional availability and the ability to repair. He showed me he had this and could repair after we had conflict. Of course I now realise this was the idealisation phase.

Anyway, I'm utterly heartbroken. He left at 5am this morning for work without a goodbye. Yesterday I asked 'what do you want to do about contact between us?' His reply, 'I'm going to be really busy over the next few days but you can message if you want.' ouch!! I just said 'I'll leave you to it then.'

I know logically that I need to disconnect from this man who I thought I could have a healthy marriage with but emotionally I feel there is still a part of me holding on. I want him to care. I want him to hurt. I want him to wake the f@*k up and do the work on himself that he needs to do. I know the chances of that are slim though.

Please share some words of wisdom, guidance, support, comfort. Anything to get me through this. I have great friends but they won't fully understand being in a relationship with BPD.

[Under The Bridge]

On the one hand, I'm sorry to hear that you've finally seperated but after following your story I think it's for the best and that you simply couldn't continue the way things were. You gave it 100%+ and have made concessions many times to keep the relationship going but you can only go so far as it take two to make it work.  If the other person refuses to even acknowledge there are problems, let alone make any serious effort to change then there really is no more you can do. You can only be responsible for yourself and I hope you'll keep that in mind.

All I can recommend from my own 4-year relationship is to put yourself first now - hard though that will be. Think back over your relationship and ask yourself if you would have endured a whole lifetime of things being like that? Yes, there were many good times but we also know that these were only temporary 'placeholders' until the next bad episode started. We desperately hoped there would be no more bad times but deep down we knew there would be. I found the 'good' times were getting shorter and this helped in my eventual decision to end things.

Having made your decision it's now vital you stick with it because there will be times you'll feel like contacting him - just as I did with my ex. Try and remember that if you contact him, he won't have changed and you'll be stepping back onto the same hamster wheel you were on before. It sounds cold to reduce it to those terms but I think it's accurate, They can't change and without professional help then what you've had is aways what you'll get.

After the final break I stayed away from the pubs and places we used to go to because I knew that I might give in and start chasing her again. I learned many years later that she did in fact come in looking for me for a while so I'm glad I made the right choice. I also learned many years later that she'd never changed since our break up so if I had given in and re-engaged with her I'd only have had many more years of the same toxic relationship.

Though he's given you an 'I'll be busy for a while' message and is acting like he's not bothered, be prepared for him to try to maintain contact. Keep remembering that he wont have 'miraculously' changed though and become the person you want.  They can be remarkably manipulative and premeditating when they want to be and this will be the real test of your resolve.

Stay strong and you have all our best wishes. I wish I could give a timescale for things to get better but every case is truly different. If you avoid being drawn back into the toxicity things will get better though. You deserve a happy life free from abuse and conflict. Please continue to post and get support from us.

[Alz123]

Thank you so much for your reply. It was just what I needed to read yesterday. He did message in the evening yesterday 'I don't know what to say so ... hi' and I replied keeping it emotionless and factual.

[Under The Bridge]

Be prepared for more of this. A term used on the site is 'pinging', like a submarine sending out a burst of sonar to see if anything comes back. The estranged BPD sends out seemingly casual messages to check that you're still there and if you reply in any way then in his mind you're still interested.

You might see these pings as indication he cares and maybe has even changed but it's important to realise that BPD's fear being alone and these pings are just to reassure himself that there is someone out there - not specifically you just 'someone' who is still interested. Don't start seeing things that aren't there, no matter how hopeful you are.

If you have the solid resolve, then full no-contact is the way to go as any reponse you send him will be taken as you still being interested - doesn't matter what you actually write, the fact you responded is all he needs, His imagination does the rest.

Do you feel able to break totally or would you want some form of continuing contact with him? It's very easy to feel some guilt about ending things - even if we know we had absolutely no choice - but this is the stage where you really need to harden your heart and think of your future and only your future.

[Alz123]

I don't think I can go total no contact. We are still married so will need to keep things fairly reasonable to ensure that goes as smoothly as possible.

[ForeverDad]

The concept of "let's always be friends" is impractical when ending a relationship where BPD traits are a major factor.  That's been our experience here.  Yes, some contact may be required until the shared financial and other matters are addressed.  Take full advantage of the legal process to wrap up everything such as deeds, titles, accounts, debts, etc.  Family court is there to referee all the issues, though it is often a reluctant and passive referee.  Of course, if there are children together then that too would require continued future interaction.

If we have separated and the conflict has lessened, that does not mean the person has recovered from their BPD traits simply due to the distance apart.  Get back together and a resumption of the push-pull patterns are a real risk.

A desire for Closure is no doubt strong with us but we cannot expect it from the disordered ex.  So we may have to Gift ourselves the closure we need.