Completely Letting Go - ISO tips and advice

[AlleyOop23]

It's been almost 3 years and I am 99% divorced.  Final orders pending. I kept a restraining order against my (I forget the acronyms) undiagnosed bpd ex (UBPDX? - that doesn't look right).  She can only message me. I can see there will always be issues. She is constantly complaining, resurrecting grievances, attempting scheduling changes at the last minute, hitting me up for money beyond what she's entitled to receive (by AGREEMENT mind you) but I'm not writing about dealing with any of THAT today. Today, only this: I've come a long ways finding and enforcing boundaries, "letting go of the rope" (see earlier threads) but I am not always able to get the toxic emails just roll off me. Sometimes I just think 'well yeah that's on brand' when i read them. But sometimes I know there's a long accusatory message waiting for me and I spend time avoiding OFW. Or i read the toxic email and it actually gets to me, like all those things used to. I try to observe and not absorb. I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to better manage mindset around these things. Perhaps it just takes time. Oh - sometimes I just get angry. She'll message on a Thursday unilaterally changing the schedule for Friday and I let her know I'm upset about that, but all that ever gets is more silliness and more messages. Completely unproductive.  [Not looking for advice on the schedule disruption, we have a statute here i can use for that and I'm just waiting until the final orders are signed].

[zachira]

You are human and it is normal to feel anger and or/avoidant sometimes about how your soon to be ex wife treats you. With time and practice, you will be less impacted by what she does, yet occasionally you will just get angry, and this happens at times to all of us who have to interact with a disordered ex because there are minor children involved. It can help to remember that underneath the anger can be sadness and getting in touch with the sadness can often soften and soothe the anger.

[AlleyOop23]

thanks. After surviving for 3 years the finalization came as more of a relief than i expected and I am sometimes genuinely sad. Sad for the fantasy of the relationship that never actually was (but always just about to turn around), sad for missing the charming vivacious upside the ex possessed, thought it dwindled and dwindled and sad for the guy who tolerated so much more than anyone ever should for far longer than I like to admit to myself. I have flashes of exhilaration and optimism and increasing comfort with the dad I am and I think the hardest part about those messages is sometimes they pull me back from that into anger, self doubt and diminished self esteem. I kept a journal and had the sense to date the entries. I flip back and i can see that i am in such better shape than I was. Funny, I planned to write one sentence of thanks and an affirmation that I am sad and I'll think about connecting those things - the sadness and the anger.

[Pook075]

For me, I had to continually remind myself that my BPD ex was sick and even the thought of contacting me brought her a ton of disordered thinking.

Think of it this way.  Let's say you're allergic to cats.  But every time you go to see your ex, everything is covered in cat hair.  You know you're going to sneeze, to cough, to have allergic reactions.  It's horrible.  But you have to go there to get your kids...and the kids will also be covered in cat hair since your ex is literally the "crazy cat lady".

That's sort of how it is for BPDs.  They realize deep down that they did you wrong, it brings them lots of anxiety, so they do things trying to control the situation.

Your ex is very sick.  Have compassion for her and help her whenever you can.  That changes the dynamics entirely.  I'm not saying to go out of your way for her like when you were married...I'm just talking in passing when you're in front of her for kid handoffs or whatever.