Extremely HIGH FUNCTIONING Borderline Husband

[Depression = 72% of members]

  Hello everyone~


I have seen alot of people married to borderlines say that they are "The Adult" in the relationship; that they have to pick up alot of the slack and do the "adulting" in the relationship. I find that we have just the opposite in my marriage to my borderline husband. He has a FANTASTIC high paying job that he excels at everyday, maintains the property at home, keeps himself fit and attractive,and pays all of our bills on time. Maybe this isnt the "norm"for borderlines or maybe he is just very high functioning? Now,the other side to him (I call it Mr Hyde  ) is verbally abusive,  CAN BE emotionally distant and has thrown plates of food and glasses across the room. To the outside world though he's "A great guy" who has "it all". Anyone else in this situation?

[WifeInOz]

  Hello everyone~


I have seen alot of people married to borderlines say that they are "The Adult" in the relationship; that they have to pick up alot of the slack and do the "adulting" in the relationship. I find that we have just the opposite in my marriage to my borderline husband. He has a FANTASTIC high paying job that he excels at everyday, maintains the property at home, keeps himself fit and attractive,and pays all of our bills on time. Maybe this isnt the "norm"for borderlines or maybe he is just very high functioning? Now,the other side to him (I call it Mr Hyde  ) is verbally abusive,  CAN BE emotionally distant and has thrown plates of food and glasses across the room. To the outside world though he's "A great guy" who has "it all". Anyone else in this situation?

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[waverider]

CEOs are highly represented amongst pwBPD. Exerting control is a coping method just as much as avoidance may be in others. The lower empathy traits means they can be quite decisive and put getting the job done over the personal concerns of others.

There can be a degree of over compensation

It is the lack of a balanced middle ground that is in short supply.

Unfortunately high functioning means they are unlikely to admit they have a problem and it is even more completely hidden from others that can increase your feelings of isolation as others believe you are a such a lucky person to have such a wonderful husband.

[Healthy88]

I am not sure where CEOs came up, but I thought that was actually one of the top 5 jobs of sociopaths?

My H is high functioning at work, other than the rare occasions he has wondered if he was going to be fired for something he did (keeping him steady at one job is hard). He doesn't always get the bills paid on time, would rather be out having fun than taking care of the house or yard, has smashed a few things in anger... .well maybe he through something once, he is very emotionally cold/distance and incredibly loved by everyone else. I guess not nearly as responsible and he, thankfully, is more of a silent rager.

[Healthy88]

Oh, he does not keep himself fit or attractive either. I think he has impulsive issues with food or tries to self soothe. I am wondering if your BPD H has some Narsistic and/or Sociopathic traits as well? I don't know? They are other PDs that share some similar traits. Maybe do a little more research to see if you feel they more closely describe your H? Sociopaths are also very well loved and incapable of empathy.

[bananas2]

WifeInOz   -
I agree with H88 about the possibility of Narcissistic traits. That was my first thought when reading your post. A person can have BPD with Narcissistic traits or NPD with Borderline traits. Very similar disorders that present somewhat differently, but that both have a basis in self-esteem issues, requiring a tremendous amount of validation. I think it's worth reading up on NPD.

To the outside world though he's "A great guy" who has "it all". Anyone else in this situation?

I am absolutely am! So frustrating to always hear "You're so lucky to have such a great guy!"   Oh if they only knew.
Thank God for this board where we can speak the truth without being doubted.

[red_truck]

I feel that my husband is very high functioning as well. He has spent the majority of his life dealing with (or trying to) BPD and he's so good at hiding it from everyone it's taken years for even his psychiatrist to sort it out(we have gone through several). My husband is amazing- charismatic, talented in so many areas, very business savvy, well known and extremely well like- except when he's not- there are days on end when he can't get out of bed. It is very rare he can start and complete a task, and and very common for him to have a 'meltdown' while trying to complete something which results in him lashing out physically or verbally. I can't even count the number of things in our house right now that are broken as a result of his rage- holes in walls, baby gates torn off their hinges, controls on my washer smashed, destroyed a table saw with a 2x4, and on and on. None of this would be evident to anyone outside our house. In the aftermath of the rage I do try to pick up the pieces and put the house back together- in that way I know I do help him keep that part of his life away from others. It is exhausting trying to protect him from himself.