Suddenly going home for the weekend to uBPD sister... help?

[MiloSpiral]

My mom just asked me to come home from college Friday night, which is great, but it also means coming home to my uBPD sister. She just got out of the psych ward about a week ago, and although she claimed that she didn't go to any of the groups or talk to any of the psychiatrists there, she did do some research on partial or full programs that would be more suited to her, as my parents had required. So my dad agreed to let her come stay at the house for the weekend, on the condition that she go see her old therapist on Monday and talk to her about programs.

Well, Monday came and she backed out of going to the appointment, classically, but she did agree to talk to the therapist on the phone. My parents give her until Friday (last Friday) to come up with a plan for next steps. Friday comes and goes, doesn't happen. They tell her Sunday. Sunday comes and goes, doesn't happen. It's now Monday (today) and as far as I know she's still there. I think my parents are feeling stuck because they are asking her to look for programs and start applying, to go to her therapist and get her help with the applications, yet they also threw her out of the house early in December and so she has no place to actually do the applications. Whatever their reasons are, I am dreading coming home to my newly-enabled sister and having to navigate her traps, especially considering that the reason I am coming home is to spend time with my parents for my birthday, but also visit a family friend in the hospital after heart surgery.

What I am most concerned about is getting sucked into conversations about her health with her. I try to be understanding, I try to practice the validation techniques outlined here, but still that's not good enough. For example, when she's talking about how alone she is and how no one will help her, and I say, "I can imagine I would also feel isolated in your situation," she snaps, "It's not just feeling 'isolated.' It's WRONG that they are doing this to me." And I say, "Okay," and then she repeats herself and looks at me for a response, so I just say "okay" again and she's like "No but I just need you to KNOW that. I need you to HEAR me." Now I'm at the point of boiling over because I'm trying to listen to her but even the way I'm listening to her isn't good enough. Oh, and if you try to enclose yourself in a different space from her in order to remove yourself from the conversation, she will put a hand/foot in the door, stand behind your car, etc.

Has anyone else had the validation techniques flop for them? And how have you dealt with suddenly and unexpectedly having to share space with a BP who is a vacuum on your time, energy, and love?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey MiloSpiral:   

I can understand why you are dreading your visit home.  I'm sorry your sister is so difficult and draining to deal with.

If validation isn't making and difference, then focus on NOT invalidating. It might be best to set some boundaries with her and be diligent in enforcing them. You may want to take a position that if she won't participate in therapy, then you won't listen to her complaints.

The link below leads to a self-help DBT website.  You might want to check it out.  It has a lot of good tools for your sister.  You might offer it to her and perhaps offer to look at it together.  If she says she won't look at it, then you could set a boundary to tell her that until she willing cooperates to try to get better, you won't listen to her complaints.  If you can't steer the conversation to something light hearted from there, then you need to shut down further discussion. (Leave the room, go for a walk, a drive, etc)

www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/helping_someone_with_BPD.html

Check out the website and let us know what you think. Perhaps it is something to share with your parents as well.

[MiloSpiral]

Hi NaughtyNibbler 

Sorry for the late late late response--I did see this post and I did reflect on what you said, and read the resource you posted. At the time I think I was too emotionally drained to respond.

As it turns out, I didn't end up going home that weekend, as my parents had (thankfully) scheduled an intervention of sorts for my sister with a mediator, and I told them I didn't think it was the appropriate time and I wouldn't be in a celebratory mood/I would feel weird celebrating on the heels of that. They understood, and the intervention went alright; my sister left the house of her own volition instead of talking to my parents after a while and she's still kind of vagabonding around. She got in a car accident (nothing major--she's not injured) a few weeks ago while trying to drive in the snow and I got a call from her insurance agent; apparently she'd given my number out as she didn't have a phone. So there's that.

A lot has happened since then but I think instead of writing about it I'm just going to revisit this resource you gave me and think about it for a while.

Thanks so much for everything. x