Adult child of BPD mother - how do I get off the roller coaster?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm not really sure where to start, except to say that the pain and sadness my mother causes me is almost unbearable at times. I feel like I am locked in my seat on a perpetual roller coaster, completely powerless to stop the cycle of rage, 1-2 days of being idolized, and then back to rage.

No matter how much time and attention I give her, she always wants more. And when I deny her, or even completely unprovoked, she becomes not just angry - it is as though she can peer into my soul and identify the 4-5 things she can say that will cut me deepest. Examples:

"You are so selfish!" (When I told her I wanted to spend a weekend alone with my husband.)
"Get out of my way. You do absolutely nothing to help." (When I was trying to help clean up Thanksgiving dinner.)
"You're being such a b!tch." (When I wouldn't forgive her right away after my father forced her to apologize for the previous comment.)
"You used to be a lot skinnier." (Completely out the blue while sitting on the beach in my bikini.)

I feel like I've spent so much of my life trying to perpetuate the idolization phase as long as possible through doing and saying the right things that sometimes I wonder what behaviors are even genuine, and which ones I've invented just to please her. I find myself automatically bowing to her demands without even giving a second thought to my own needs. My father is a wonderfully kind man, but he too has learned to follow the path of least resistance and rarely sticks up for me anymore.

I am afraid of her. Not physically, emotionally. My stomach twists into a knot when I see her calling my cell phone. When she asks me to visit when I know I can't, I put off telling her no because I fear the inevitable backlash. Beyond that, I feel like others struggle to understand the complexities of the relationship and the fact that she is neither capable of rational thinking or love/kindness without condition.

I would love any guidance on acceptance of her condition and who she is; tactics for saying no/setting boundaries; and/or how to prevent her from shattering my self esteem every time she has a meltdown.

Thank you for reading.

[Waterbear]

I'm not really sure where to start, except to say that the pain and sadness my mother causes me is almost unbearable at times. I feel like I am locked in my seat on a perpetual roller coaster, completely powerless to stop the cycle of rage, 1-2 days of being idolized, and then back to rage.

No matter how much time and attention I give her, she always wants more. And when I deny her, or even completely unprovoked, she becomes not just angry - it is as though she can peer into my soul and identify the 4-5 things she can say that will cut me deepest. Examples:

"You are so selfish!" (When I told her I wanted to spend a weekend alone with my husband.)
"Get out of my way. You do absolutely nothing to help." (When I was trying to help clean up Thanksgiving dinner.)
"You're being such a b!tch." (When I wouldn't forgive her right away after my father forced her to apologize for the previous comment.)
"You used to be a lot skinnier." (Completely out the blue while sitting on the beach in my bikini.)

I feel like I've spent so much of my life trying to perpetuate the idolization phase as long as possible through doing and saying the right things that sometimes I wonder what behaviors are even genuine, and which ones I've invented just to please her. I find myself automatically bowing to her demands without even giving a second thought to my own needs. My father is a wonderfully kind man, but he too has learned to follow the path of least resistance and rarely sticks up for me anymore.

I am afraid of her. Not physically, emotionally. My stomach twists into a knot when I see her calling my cell phone. When she asks me to visit when I know I can't, I put off telling her no because I fear the inevitable backlash. Beyond that, I feel like others struggle to understand the complexities of the relationship and the fact that she is neither capable of rational thinking or love/kindness without condition.

I would love any guidance on acceptance of her condition and who she is; tactics for saying no/setting boundaries; and/or how to prevent her from shattering my self esteem every time she has a meltdown.

Thank you for reading.

[HappyAngel]

Hi there water bear.
I totally 100% understand what you are saying sweetie. I am a 42 year old daughter of a mother with BPD. Like you it often feels like my heart is totally broken and the pain my mum has caused me is unmanageable. At the moment I am slowly making my way through a book called "stop care taking the BPD and stop the drama and get on with your life". I can't impress on you how much it's helping, it is a very painful read at times, my father is her main care taker now and is so deeply entangled in her behaviour that he is often too terrified to stand up to her as the repercussions are too great! I have a wonderful husband, twin boys and am close to my twin sister. I try to focus on the positive people in my life (and not my mum) I think I am slowly accepting that I will never have the perfect relationship with my mum and whatever I do will never be good enough (apart from when she has got me on a pedestal) I think I've even thought if she rages then do be it because when she does it I will leave, I can't do it anymore I'm at my wits end! I have spoken so many times to my dad about this and said I cannot choose this anymore, it's exhausting, destructive and so painful. I can not change my mum she will always behave like this! Despite being surrounded by a family that support and love her it's not enough. Her health is awful. She's morbidly obese, it's a self fulfilling prophecy, she has chosen not to look after herself but every times we tried to confront her about her self destructive behaviour we were being nasty. It's like trying to logic with a three year old. Just be kind to your self you do not deserve to be treated like this. I would say talk to your family and friends, you having nothing to loose. Your mum has already made things difficult. You have faced pain like no one else could understand, but I do understand, this is your life. Don't feel guilty (this is what I try to tell myself) I seriously recommend the above book though it's by margalis fjelstad and on amazon... .I live in the U.K. And there's very little here from a therapy point of view. The U.S really are much better at understanding BPD! Thinking of you x

[Waterbear]

Happy Angel - thank you so much for your post. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. It is helpful just to know someone out there is experiencing the same thing I am. I wish there was more awareness to BPD and the effects it has on family members. Thank you so much for the book recommendation - I will definitely check it out!