Handling my own Jealousy

[aj4599]

All -

I've been in an on-again, off-again relationship with an uBPD for about 10 months now. We are doing long-distance, and I keep hanging in there despite things being rough, and trying to walk away multiple times.

Tonight, she told me that some of her co-workers from her office on the west coast asked her to "hang out" after work. Specifically, to go to a dispensary and get high. I asked which co-workers, and she simply said "Stop being a jealous a-hole. I talk about them all the time, but you never listen."

I rattled off the co-workers I'd heard her talk about (married, older women, a few gay friends) and she didn't say anything. I asked what they were like and she said "men and women both. They are so cool, and nerdy like me, and chill, and so smart."

What I'm struggling with, is that I don't want to be controlling paranoid guy. I don't want to be like "don't have friends from work, go home to your hotel every night by yourself." But she cheated on me for 6 of our 10 months together with an ex in another city she was working in. And she lies a lot. And now she won't give me any details about who these ppl are, and if I ask I'm being jealous and she'll use that as a justification to say we need to break up. I also see the idealization happening with whoever "they" are, while I don't even remember the last time she said anything nice about me.

I got the strongest instinct to just run. Flee, because pain is on the way. Get out while it's still my choice. But I really have no reason to. She hasn't done anything wrong with these "friends" yet, and it really is just me being insecure at this point.  Any advice?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

How would you best honor yourself?

Something in you is saying one thing but you are resisting that. Why?

If you were to find out she was cheating, how would you respond?

[JoeBPD81]

Well, if she already cheated, it's not jealousy, it's experience.

When trust is broken, it can't be recovered without a full sincere effort. Has she admitted to that? Do you know it for sure?

I believe it is natural that you feel insecure, and she should respect that. Regardless of whether she is cheating or not, she shouldn't dismiss your pain, that is very real.

Good luck.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm not normally a jealous person. During my ~25 year marriage, there were a few guys I was jealous of. I didn't always know it at the time, but either at the time or after the fact, I figured out that my wife had some at least interest, an emotional affair, or more each time.

In my case, jealousy was telling me something. It was saying "HEY, GK! There's something going on with this guy and your wife, and you need to know about it!" And that was dead-on accurate every time. It didn't tell me exactly WHAT was going on, just that something was there.

What my jealousy wasn't telling me was what the heck do I do about it. My emotional/intuitive side told me there was something I needed to know about. Then I could think about it, trusting that my feeling was right, and figure out how I should handle the situation I was in.


I'm going to assume you are like me, and that there is a good basis for your jealousy.

I'd also note that she IS being evasive, and that accusing you of being jealous just makes it worse.

Given that and the history you have with her, I'd assume that she is going to be at least flirting, if not cheating.

I'd also note that she did take actions that were designed to make you insecure in your r/s with her. (She might be self-aware she did it, she might not.)

And as for you--there's nothing you can do to stop her from flirting, cheating, or whatever she wants. You might not even know if she does. What do you want if you accept that this is who she is, and how she is going to treat you?