Relationship over. I believe, and my therapist does, that she presents with BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

First post but it has been 2 months and I am still struggling each day. I will tell the tale as short as possible and if anyone has insight into whether this sounds like she has traits I would appreciate it. First, I am a therapist, humorously, but I know I might be biased because it's personal.

Anyway, we were dating for 15 months. She had just gotten out of a relationship and so did I. she was real attentive and caring, and I even supported her as she talked to me about still having emotions for her ex.

The honeymoon phase was great even though I overlooked some stuff. For example, for my birthday 4 of us got together (we were starting to unofficially date) and 3 of us lived close to each other, but she had us all go 45 minutes to her house to then go out. That should have been the first sign for me about her self-centered approach.

Then, in hindsight, I noticed that she was very controlling in a subtle way. She didn't want me speaking to female friends from work. She even flew into a rage when I didn't feel like shaving before we went to see her grandmom (I eventually conceded).

And in the beginning I tried to bring up concerns and feelings I had to improve our relationship but she would immediately say ":)o you want to break up with me?" and then the rest of the conversation was spent with me supporting and reassuring her before we'd leave it (any my concerns were not touched).

She also struggled whenever I had concerns to actually communicate to me. She would sit there and be silent. We also decided to go to therapy together but after 3 sessions we were about to leave for the 4th and she said "I don't want to go it's too much work."

She went to school for yoga teaching and I watched her dog every other weekend during the summer and then on her weekends off she would always go shopping, and when I told her I'd like to do couples things on some of those weekends she'd say "Well it's my only weekend and I want to do what I want to do."

The final straw for me came when my grandpop passed away in December. She was supportive for a couple hours and then the funeral but then she became very absorbed in her own family and shopping for gifts. I struggle to sleep at night so I had slept on the couch at her place alot and when he passed I tried to lay in the bed to feel a connection and she said "This is really ruining my routine."

So I began to see that she didn't care as much for me as I did for her. And I went home to spend Christmas with my family while she went to her family's. I wanted to be with those who felt the grief of losing our grandpop. She told me on christmas eve that I had "ruined her christmas by going home."

We spoke and I heard that she missed me doing random acts of kindness and sleeping in the bed with her. So I started to do those things again. I told her I would like to spend more time watching movies together and having "us" time again. She would try for those 2 weeks but 10 minutes into a movie she'd go in the bedroom and sleep.

So I finally left her house, and took all my stuff. That night I realized my mistake and asked her if she wanted to go to a concert. She told me that on christmas her family had spoken and already gotten tickets. That, whether right or wrong, showed that she didn't truly care about me and that her own self-interests were more important. Especially because she went to Vegas with her family for a concert and I expressed that in future situations I would feel really good if I was at least asked to be a part of those things. She probably felt hurt that I didn't go to Christmas which I get, but I didn't see any empathy that I was seriously depressed over losing my grandpop; which she knew. For once I tried to make myself a priority and I think it pushed her over the edge.

So for a week I told her I needed time, but did tell her I would like to get back together. She kept asking me to come over and I asked her "do you think there's gonna be a time we will meet up where I won't have to come to you?" She said "I don't know." That next day she said she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore.

For the next month I tried so hard to win her back. I laid out the part I played and tried to be very sweet and kind. I pushed hard though, but it probably gave her a feeling of control. But her feelings were completely gone.

The only two times she has shown any kindness or sweetness to me the past month were when she texted me seeing if I could get her xanax or percocet. Then she became this sweet person again telling me she liked "when I was funny" and how I made her laugh bla bla. Next day she'd be completely distant.

I finally had to tell her that I was going out on a casual date with a friend of a friend, and that's why I couldn't let her see our dog which she told me to keep. To be fair I did try and have her hang out with me but when she said she didn't want to I felt a lot of anger and knew I couldn't wait around for her.  She immediately started saying "But you said you want to hang out tonight. Why can't we get our dogs together tonight? You can come over." And this all came after she knew I was actually trying to move on. Thankfully I told her no and just this morning I sent her a text saying that because I still love her and she doesn't have any feelings for me I cannot speak to her ever again. Then I blocked her number.

Do any of these things hint at symptoms? According to the DSM they do but I would like to hear personal experiences. I spent 15 months raising her up and then when my cup was drained over the grief of my grandfather/not putting myself first at times she wasn't able to help me through that time. I also made a conscious effort to repair the relationship with minor behavioral changes, and she heard my concerns and dismissed them.

She is very self-centered and I feel bad because now she is doing yoga stuff 24/7 while she "works on herself" but clinically I believe she has just found her "next fix". She says she isn't going to date anytime soon or try because she's "not good at relationships" but this obsession with her yoga suggests this is what she will try to do to create an identity and it won't end well for her because it will eventually disappoint.

Anyway, thanks for reading if you did. My case seems all to similar to others. I can't help but feel that she, subconsciously, saw and knew I was a kind person and took my abandonement fears and made me really believe that she would be there for me. And after 15 months I couldn't keep giving because of grief and then for the first time I asked her to put a little work into the relationship. And that's when she had enough.

And for the record. I messed up a lot in the relationship. I said mean things out of anger, etc. And I know that she isn't capable of loving herself let alone anyone else. I just feel betrayed that all those "I love you's" were really just predicated on the fact that I wouldn't ever ask her to help me or work on the relationship. I was the knight in shining armor, and after many exhaustive battles I asked her for some support and she rode off.

One last thing, the week between Christmas and New Year's she had spoken about our previous discussions about becoming engaged. And within 2 weeks she had lost all feelings for me. I'm not in that situation but the extreme hot and cold views are so confusing for me.

[roberto516]

First post but it has been 2 months and I am still struggling each day. I will tell the tale as short as possible and if anyone has insight into whether this sounds like she has traits I would appreciate it. First, I am a therapist, humorously, but I know I might be biased because it's personal.

Anyway, we were dating for 15 months. She had just gotten out of a relationship and so did I. she was real attentive and caring, and I even supported her as she talked to me about still having emotions for her ex.

The honeymoon phase was great even though I overlooked some stuff. For example, for my birthday 4 of us got together (we were starting to unofficially date) and 3 of us lived close to each other, but she had us all go 45 minutes to her house to then go out. That should have been the first sign for me about her self-centered approach.

Then, in hindsight, I noticed that she was very controlling in a subtle way. She didn't want me speaking to female friends from work. She even flew into a rage when I didn't feel like shaving before we went to see her grandmom (I eventually conceded).

And in the beginning I tried to bring up concerns and feelings I had to improve our relationship but she would immediately say ":)o you want to break up with me?" and then the rest of the conversation was spent with me supporting and reassuring her before we'd leave it (any my concerns were not touched).

She also struggled whenever I had concerns to actually communicate to me. She would sit there and be silent. We also decided to go to therapy together but after 3 sessions we were about to leave for the 4th and she said "I don't want to go it's too much work."

She went to school for yoga teaching and I watched her dog every other weekend during the summer and then on her weekends off she would always go shopping, and when I told her I'd like to do couples things on some of those weekends she'd say "Well it's my only weekend and I want to do what I want to do."

The final straw for me came when my grandpop passed away in December. She was supportive for a couple hours and then the funeral but then she became very absorbed in her own family and shopping for gifts. I struggle to sleep at night so I had slept on the couch at her place alot and when he passed I tried to lay in the bed to feel a connection and she said "This is really ruining my routine."

So I began to see that she didn't care as much for me as I did for her. And I went home to spend Christmas with my family while she went to her family's. I wanted to be with those who felt the grief of losing our grandpop. She told me on christmas eve that I had "ruined her christmas by going home."

We spoke and I heard that she missed me doing random acts of kindness and sleeping in the bed with her. So I started to do those things again. I told her I would like to spend more time watching movies together and having "us" time again. She would try for those 2 weeks but 10 minutes into a movie she'd go in the bedroom and sleep.

So I finally left her house, and took all my stuff. That night I realized my mistake and asked her if she wanted to go to a concert. She told me that on christmas her family had spoken and already gotten tickets. That, whether right or wrong, showed that she didn't truly care about me and that her own self-interests were more important. Especially because she went to Vegas with her family for a concert and I expressed that in future situations I would feel really good if I was at least asked to be a part of those things. She probably felt hurt that I didn't go to Christmas which I get, but I didn't see any empathy that I was seriously depressed over losing my grandpop; which she knew. For once I tried to make myself a priority and I think it pushed her over the edge.

So for a week I told her I needed time, but did tell her I would like to get back together. She kept asking me to come over and I asked her "do you think there's gonna be a time we will meet up where I won't have to come to you?" She said "I don't know." That next day she said she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore.

For the next month I tried so hard to win her back. I laid out the part I played and tried to be very sweet and kind. I pushed hard though, but it probably gave her a feeling of control. But her feelings were completely gone.

The only two times she has shown any kindness or sweetness to me the past month were when she texted me seeing if I could get her xanax or percocet. Then she became this sweet person again telling me she liked "when I was funny" and how I made her laugh bla bla. Next day she'd be completely distant.

I finally had to tell her that I was going out on a casual date with a friend of a friend, and that's why I couldn't let her see our dog which she told me to keep. To be fair I did try and have her hang out with me but when she said she didn't want to I felt a lot of anger and knew I couldn't wait around for her.  She immediately started saying "But you said you want to hang out tonight. Why can't we get our dogs together tonight? You can come over." And this all came after she knew I was actually trying to move on. Thankfully I told her no and just this morning I sent her a text saying that because I still love her and she doesn't have any feelings for me I cannot speak to her ever again. Then I blocked her number.

Do any of these things hint at symptoms? According to the DSM they do but I would like to hear personal experiences. I spent 15 months raising her up and then when my cup was drained over the grief of my grandfather/not putting myself first at times she wasn't able to help me through that time. I also made a conscious effort to repair the relationship with minor behavioral changes, and she heard my concerns and dismissed them.

She is very self-centered and I feel bad because now she is doing yoga stuff 24/7 while she "works on herself" but clinically I believe she has just found her "next fix". She says she isn't going to date anytime soon or try because she's "not good at relationships" but this obsession with her yoga suggests this is what she will try to do to create an identity and it won't end well for her because it will eventually disappoint.

Anyway, thanks for reading if you did. My case seems all to similar to others. I can't help but feel that she, subconsciously, saw and knew I was a kind person and took my abandonement fears and made me really believe that she would be there for me. And after 15 months I couldn't keep giving because of grief and then for the first time I asked her to put a little work into the relationship. And that's when she had enough.

And for the record. I messed up a lot in the relationship. I said mean things out of anger, etc. And I know that she isn't capable of loving herself let alone anyone else. I just feel betrayed that all those "I love you's" were really just predicated on the fact that I wouldn't ever ask her to help me or work on the relationship. I was the knight in shining armor, and after many exhaustive battles I asked her for some support and she rode off.

One last thing, the week between Christmas and New Year's she had spoken about our previous discussions about becoming engaged. And within 2 weeks she had lost all feelings for me. I'm not in that situation but the extreme hot and cold views are so confusing for me.

[infjEpic]

I'd put the diagnosis to one side, just for the moment, and ask what adjectives you would use to describe her behaviour as you have outlined it in your post.

Selfish
Unhealthy
Toxic
Abusive

Would you agree with these?
Or what would you propose instead?


It's very good that you have identified your own vulnerabilities going into and during the relationship and in relation to this:

And for the record. I messed up a lot in the relationship. I said mean things out of anger, etc.

We all have.


Am I correct in understanding that it has been 1 day of NC so far?
How are you feeling now?

[heartandwhole]

Hi roberto516,



I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. It's very painful to lose an intimate relationship. When we put hot/cold behaviors into the mix, it can be even harder. I've been there, too, and I left the relationship hurting badly and very confused. 

Of course no one can diagnose over the Internet, let alone from a distance, but it does sound like your girlfriend had some fears of abandonment and emotional instability, as revealed by her behavior. I think regardless of labels, the most important thing to understand is the behavior that you were dealing with. I'm sure you are also used to looking at your own reactions for clues to understanding the dynamic that was set up in this relationship as well. Personally, I found my caretaking tendencies went through the roof during my relationship with pwBPD. That was a painful lesson for me, but one I'm thankful for today.

How are you doing with self-care? Are your friends and family supportive?

When I first arrived at this site, I felt devastated and confused. This article helped me understand what I had been dealing with. Let me know if it resonates with you at all:

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has BPD

Keep posting. You'll find support and understanding here.

heartandwhole

[roberto516]

I'd put the diagnosis to one side, just for the moment, and ask what adjectives you would use to describe her behaviour as you have outlined it in your post.

Selfish
Unhealthy
Toxic
Abusive

Would you agree with these?
Or what would you propose instead?


It's very good that you have identified your own vulnerabilities going into and during the relationship and in relation to this:
We all have.


Am I correct in understanding that it has been 1 day of NC so far?
How are you feeling now?

That's how I would describe it. And I failed at the NC. I'm really struggling to accept that I fell for this and she can just dust herself off after our 1st week apart and move on.

I'm seeing a therapist and all that but it's so hard to not want to reach out. And it's making me crazy. Because now I'm saying things and trying to manipulate which makes me wonder if im losing my mind.

And we work for the same company. We won't ever see each other but I dread every day seeing an email or somerhing. So to answer your question, this confident assured man 15 months ago is now a shell of a human being. And I should have known better

[roberto516]

Hi roberto516,



I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. It's very painful to lose an intimate relationship. When we put hot/cold behaviors into the mix, it can be even harder. I've been there, too, and I left the relationship hurting badly and very confused. 

Of course no one can diagnose over the Internet, let alone from a distance, but it does sound like your girlfriend had some fears of abandonment and emotional instability, as revealed by her behavior. I think regardless of labels, the most important thing to understand is the behavior that you were dealing with. I'm sure you are also used to looking at your own reactions for clues to understanding the dynamic that was set up in this relationship as well. Personally, I found my caretaking tendencies went through the roof during my relationship with pwBPD. That was a painful lesson for me, but one I'm thankful for today.

How are you doing with self-care? Are your friends and family supportive?

When I first arrived at this site, I felt devastated and confused. This article helped me understand what I had been dealing with. Let me know if it resonates with you at all:

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has BPD

Keep posting. You'll find support and understanding here.

heartandwhole

Hey heartandwhole,

The article was definitely worth it but painful to read. I also don't like to "diagnose" but I guess I'm kicking myself because I gave so much. Definitely was exploited for my caretaking behaviors. And then like that I had to face the reality that it was safer for her to abandon me to risk being abandoned, and that she never loved me on any type of level that I loved her.

I just need to not reach out at all. I failed yesterday because she reached out to me and said her teacher told her that people "outgrow each other" and that's what happened with us.

Maybe she's right but she conveniently outgrew me when I started to ask her to help me carry some of the relationship and put some effort in. We weren't outgrowing each other when I was able to provide all the support. I don't know. She said she has changed. But I don't see anything different. All I see is her running from difficulties and a place where she felt like she was losing control. Because now she "loves being alone". Probably because she is in complete control of her situation and that's comforting. I just hate to be the sucker picking up the pieces.

But I'm going to keep involved here. It's the only thing I'm gonna be able to do for the time being to provide me with an avenue to vent. The second I stop talking about it I ruminate and I reach out to her.

[infjEpic]

That's how I would describe it.

It does sound as tho there is an attachment disorder at play, and it sounds like BPD.

But as heartandwhole said, it's important not to lose sight of the behaviour.
This can be tricky, and we can get hung up on the label.
Our brain is scrambling to find answers - trying to understand, sometimes we have so many questions, so much rumination - that can make NC even harder.

You will begin to find answers, through NC.
You will recover much faster through NC.

Just don't lose sight of the fact, that first - above all else - it's toxic and unhealthy.
And that is why you are trying to do NC.
Like all of us, you must protect yourself from further abuse.

NC is not an act of hatred or aggression against our former partners.
It is an act of self compassion and self preservation for ourselves.

I think this is a good article on NC
https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

And I failed at the NC. I'm really struggling to accept that I fell for this and she can just dust herself off after our 1st week apart and move on.

I've seen so many disordered relationships by now, there are a lot of things I can recognise quickly.
And I can tell you confidently, that you are much stronger than you currently think you are.
 
I'm genuinely sorry for the pain and trauma you are experiencing.

She hasn't moved on. It just looks like that.
She probably hasn't moved on from anything in her life actually.
She just 'isnt dealing with it'.
You are.

You're here asking questions, going to therapy, trying to understand.
You're dealing with it.


That's completely natural, to struggle with NC. Totally.
There is nothing wrong with you - we all experience that pain you are experiencing, because we are not disordered.

I'm not going to lie to you, recovery is tough. But you will come out of this much stronger and wiser.

What do you do for self care?

Do you meditate?
Have you tried a gratitude journal?

I'm seeing a therapist and all that but it's so hard to not want to reach out. And it's making me crazy. Because now I'm saying things and trying to manipulate which makes me wonder if im losing my mind.

NC is very difficult at the start. Extremely.
But it gets much easier over time.

Do you remember the reasons why you are doing NC?

You're not losing your mind. You're not crazy.
And it's totally normal to feel like this by the way - after coming out a disordered relationship. We all went through it.
NC is what actually helps us to regain clarity, and to understand that we are not losing our minds.
It takes time.

And we work for the same company. We won't ever see each other but I dread every day seeing an email or somerhing. So to answer your question, this confident assured man 15 months ago is now a shell of a human being. And I should have known better

Should have known better... .It sounds to me like you went into this relationship with honest intentions.
We can't scold ourselves for not knowing what we didn't know.

Instead, we learn to have compassion for ourselves.
For the grief and trauma you are experiencing.

'feel like a shell of a human being.'
I wrote those exact words once - not so long ago.
Are you not entitled to?
After what you have experienced?

[roberto516]

infjepic thank you for giving me your thoughts and ideas. I am trying to deal with it. And that's what hurts. She told me a couple days ago "You need to get over this and seek help". But I guess for her she has no idea what I'm feeling because she can't feel it. She has numbed it. One Saturday early in our "break" she messaged me asking me to come over. I was wary and said I couldn't. The next day I asked her to hang out next weekend and that's when she told me it was over. I can't grasp it if I tried.

I'm also trying to get into Taoism with the idea of acceptance and strengthening myself.

And I do know that it's okay to feel like a shell. I've felt that way for 2 months. To the point that a coworker called her coworker to mention how depressed I seem. And then that's when she yelled at me, and told me to seek help and to get over it.   

[roberto516]

I guess I'm also looking for some closure, probably because I'm still angry, over the fact that she appears to be doing better and is dedicating all her time to yoga so she can "work on herself." But the way I see it, she wasn't able to emotionally regulate that our relationship now finally required some work. So know she has run to something which she hopes will give her that identity they are always searching for.

So the way I see it. She isn't working on herself. Her whole life has been about running from emotions and difficulties and wanting to be in control. So now she is back in control.

Maybe she is working on herself because she isn't entering into the relationship with me again. But it seems like when she left her ex I was the replacement. And now Yoga is her new boyfriend you could say. Which doesn't look like change to me. I don't know. I just need to keep processing this so I don't do something stupid and tell her all these things and break no contact.

[infjEpic]

infjepic thank you for giving me your thoughts and ideas. I am trying to deal with it. And that's what hurts. She told me a couple days ago "You need to get over this and seek help"

Does this make you feel shame?

I wouldn't take financial advice off Bernie Madoff.
And I wouldn't take emotional or relationship advice off a Borderline.
Sounds harsh, but that's reality.

You're doing everything you need to do to recover. Stick with us.

. But I guess for her she has no idea what I'm feeling because she can't feel it. She has numbed it. One Saturday early in our "break" she messaged me asking me to come over. I was wary and said I couldn't. The next day I asked her to hang out next weekend and that's when she told me it was over. I can't grasp it if I tried.

You will grasp it, with time.
It's important to understand tho - it's not your fault.

And I do know that it's okay to feel like a shell. I've felt that way for 2 months. To the point that a coworker called her coworker to mention how depressed I seem. And then that's when she yelled at me, and told me to seek help and to get over it.   

Very hard, when you've cared deeply for someone, to be treated so callously.
Crazy making even.

Your perspective and understanding will change. I guarantee it.

[roberto516]

Very hard, when you've cared deeply for someone, to be treated so callously.
Crazy making even.

Your perspective and understanding will change. I guarantee it.


[/quote]

I know it has to change. I'm just struggling so much right now. The utter indifference and how I was painted black and that was it. I understand why she did it all. She couldn't help herself. But now she's probably gonna end up working on herself, because she isn't trying to date, and then she will change for someone else. But in reality she is 35 years old and her therapist seems to co sign her doing whatever she needs to do which will probably keep the cycle going. I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been scrolling these boards all day and I see so many people go through the same thing.

I can't believe that if she spends all this time taking care of herself that she is ever going to be okay with vulnerability. Because she's not allowing herself to do it now. But probably she will. And I'll look back, and think that through my suffering she found herself. And that will really suck.

[heartandwhole]

And I'll look back, and think that through my suffering she found herself. And that will really suck.

This is highly unlikely, in my view. But what I hope for you is that through your suffering, you will find yourself.

This DOES suck; this grieving and the what ifs. It will take time to process this, and in the beginning many of us had to white-knuckle it for awhile. I hope you are being gentle with yourself as you deal with your feelings.

heartandwhole

[roberto516]

This DOES suck; this grieving and the what ifs. It will take time to process this, and in the beginning many of us had to white-knuckle it for awhile. I hope you are being gentle with yourself as you deal with your feelings.

heartandwhole


It's definitely a white knuckle situation. But I just keep reminding myself that it was a love based on her needs and not one that was actually because she cared about me. She never cared about my wants or needs. It was bad. So I just keep reminding myself. And now I'm just telling myself to be happy. It's nothing to stress over. I've been grieving for 2 months. It's time to stop the pity party and be a happy human being again. She can't control me anymore. She doesn't deserve any space in my head for as long as I live.

[infjEpic]

It's definitely a white knuckle situation. But I just keep reminding myself that it was a love based on her needs and not one that was actually because she cared about me. She never cared about my wants or needs. It was bad. So I just keep reminding myself. And now I'm just telling myself to be happy. It's nothing to stress over.

I've been grieving for 2 months. It's time to stop the pity party and be a happy human being again. She can't control me anymore. She doesn't deserve any space in my head for as long as I live.

We all find different ways to cope; so perhaps this will have no relevance, in which case ignore it.
Or it may have some relevance later - in which case, hopefully it will reverberate... .

One thing I found was important myself - was to change my own narrative: Having compassion for yourself is not a pity party.

You're going to have strong moments,
But you will also have weak moments.

Grieving is a process. It's different for everyone. But it seems nobody can skip it.
2 months is not a lot of time to recover from one of the most emotional events in your life.

You are entitled to grieve. Never forget or deny yourself that.

I hope you will have more strong moments than weak moments... .but if those weak moments do transpire - just be kind to yourself.

[roberto516]

We all find different ways to cope; so perhaps this will have no relevance, in which case ignore it.
Or it may have some relevance later - in which case, hopefully it will reverberate... .

One thing I found was important myself - was to change my own narrative: Having compassion for yourself is not a pity party.

You're going to have strong moments,
But you will also have weak moments.

Grieving is a process. It's different for everyone. But it seems nobody can skip it.
2 months is not a lot of time to recover from one of the most emotional events in your life.

You are entitled to grieve. Never forget or deny yourself that.

I hope you will have more strong moments than weak moments... .but if those weak moments do transpire - just be kind to yourself.

Again you are absolutely right. In fact the straw that probably broke the camels back was that I was grieving over my grandpops passing and I had asked her for support. And she coukdnt do it. She only cared about herself and for a month I couldnt give her all my attention. But I get it. Someone like her isn't capable of offering any long term support.

And when I asked for us to work on developing a connection again she suppressed and left. Less than a month after he died. And I know I'll have the weak moments. Right now I'm motivated. BUT when I start thinking I stop myself and remind myself she didn't care and she won't control my thoughts anymore.

And I have continued to remind myself that life is beautiful. And that I can lay to rest my demons amd my own fault relationship views. I can forgive myself. And that feels good.

BUT I'll probably post something later this week because I'll be struggling. And I know you guys and gals can provide me genuine support and care. And thats awesome!