Hello there - Introduction

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello everyone!

I've wanted to join this board for several years but finally had the courage to do so today. My mother is a high functioning BPD. It was very hard growing Up with a Woman who was like this - she appeared to be a very calm amd collected woman in public but was a holy terror at home behind closed doors. It was hard to make friendships that were normal because there was no real role model for me.  As I got into adolescence she was very physically abusive, to the point where the physical damage she caused to me as an adolescent became the groundwork for the two brain injuries I sustained later in life, which retired me out of my job prematurely.  I know she will never be the mom I want or need, but she is my mom. She only doing the best she knows how.

Sometimes when I reflect on all of this it makes me angry and despair at the same time - I'm attracted to crazy because it's normal to me. It makes me wonder if I will ever be able to be with anyone who isn't a BPD, narcissist, psycho or sociopath.  I want children but I don't want them to turn out like her - I know there's a genetic Chance one of them will either he BPD or narcissistic.  I hate how I constantly hear her saying "you're fat, you need to get married, you need to have kids, you need to move back to your home state" - when I know it's a ploy for her to try and control me again. I feel like a rebellious teenager trying to enforce my boundaries with her, and my dad. My dad tunes her out, and even when she was abusuve when I was in junior high and high school - he ignored it.  He chose his marriage and access to sex over the safety of his child. It still makes me mad to this day.  I hate how I have such a hard time expressing my feelings - my girlfriends affectionately call me Girl Spock - because mom was the only person in the house allowed to have them.  I really hated my childhood. I was forced to be the adult in the relationship much too early, and to this day she still acts like a child. No mercy, no forgiveness, no differing of opinion, rule with an iron hand. It's still like this. Only recently have they relented in their treatment of me because they finally had some perspective - raising a daughter who can take care of themselves, pay their taxes, hold a job, and be a responsible adult is not a bad thing, it just took terrible tragedy for them to see it.

Can anyone relate? Has anyone been able to have a normal romantic relationship? Is it even possible?

Thanks again

Sprinkles123

[Sprinkles123]

Hello everyone!

I've wanted to join this board for several years but finally had the courage to do so today. My mother is a high functioning BPD. It was very hard growing Up with a Woman who was like this - she appeared to be a very calm amd collected woman in public but was a holy terror at home behind closed doors. It was hard to make friendships that were normal because there was no real role model for me.  As I got into adolescence she was very physically abusive, to the point where the physical damage she caused to me as an adolescent became the groundwork for the two brain injuries I sustained later in life, which retired me out of my job prematurely.  I know she will never be the mom I want or need, but she is my mom. She only doing the best she knows how.

Sometimes when I reflect on all of this it makes me angry and despair at the same time - I'm attracted to crazy because it's normal to me. It makes me wonder if I will ever be able to be with anyone who isn't a BPD, narcissist, psycho or sociopath.  I want children but I don't want them to turn out like her - I know there's a genetic Chance one of them will either he BPD or narcissistic.  I hate how I constantly hear her saying "you're fat, you need to get married, you need to have kids, you need to move back to your home state" - when I know it's a ploy for her to try and control me again. I feel like a rebellious teenager trying to enforce my boundaries with her, and my dad. My dad tunes her out, and even when she was abusuve when I was in junior high and high school - he ignored it.  He chose his marriage and access to sex over the safety of his child. It still makes me mad to this day.  I hate how I have such a hard time expressing my feelings - my girlfriends affectionately call me Girl Spock - because mom was the only person in the house allowed to have them.  I really hated my childhood. I was forced to be the adult in the relationship much too early, and to this day she still acts like a child. No mercy, no forgiveness, no differing of opinion, rule with an iron hand. It's still like this. Only recently have they relented in their treatment of me because they finally had some perspective - raising a daughter who can take care of themselves, pay their taxes, hold a job, and be a responsible adult is not a bad thing, it just took terrible tragedy for them to see it.

Can anyone relate? Has anyone been able to have a normal romantic relationship? Is it even possible?

Thanks again

Sprinkles123

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Sprinkles123! 

I am so very glad that you took this courageous first step and posted! Yaay for you!  Here you will find listening ears and others raised so much like you. We get it here, the double life which goes on behind closed doors. My uBPDm was also very high functioning, and no one knew what she was like behind the doors of our home. You feel as if you must be the crazy one and grow to believe it. But you are not crazy. BPD is a crazy making mental illness, especially for the children growing up in such an environment.

There is definitely hope to find healthy relationships, even though you grew up in such an unstable environment. Have you been in any T yet, with someone trained in understanding BPD? I would highly suggest this, in order to help you navigate the pathway of really understanding how being raised by a BPD will influence your choices. You are actually in such a great position to do this now, BEFORE you step into situations you shouldn't.

I've been married for 32 years, and it's only been in the last few years (while in T) that I finally began to understand why I chose to marry the person I did. I was also used to the drama and dysfunction and ended up marrying someone very much like my uBPDm. Scary that I would do so, but it is seen over and over again. That's why T can help you.

Surviving a Borderline Parent

This book has been a great help to me and can get you started in examining some of the affects that growing up with a pwBPD will have on you. Have you read any books about BPD so far?

Looking forward to hearing more of your story!

 
Wools

[Turned Leaf]

Sometimes when I reflect on all of this it makes me angry and despair at the same time - I'm attracted to crazy because it's normal to me. It makes me wonder if I will ever be able to be with anyone who isn't a BPD, narcissist, psycho or sociopath. 

Hello Sprinkles! I'm new too! I wanted to first remark on the quoted comment. This is a huge deal for me currently. In the last 5 years I've been in a string of failed and unhealthy relationships. And I've said countless times that it wouldn't happen again, and it did. But I am trusting the process of healing that will guide me to a man that will make me feel safe and supported mentally, physically and spiritually. But I had to start with myself. I have been reading a book called the Secret. It has helped me to find of sense of worth in myself that was destroyed by my uBPD mom. It's been giving me a drive and a purpose that I've never experienced before. Tell yourself how much you deserve someone who can treat you with the respect and love you deserve. I hope and pray for both of us that we will find what we are looking for 

[peacebthejourney]

 Welcome, Sprinkles.

I'm new as well. I think you did a great job expressing some anger and grief.

Hang in there! This site has lots of educational material that I think will help us.

I suspect my mother was undiagnosed BPD. It's a stressful way to grow up. I found it very puzzling as a child how I was considered all good one day and all bad another. I could never figure out the rules.

I also found the being a parent as a child quite stressful in hindsight. In childhood it was just my reality, the only way I knew. I was expected to be an adult and I did my best to fulfill expectations.

I find anger difficult to identify in myself. It is always the last emotion I get in touch with. I feel the sadness over all the tragic events of my childhood more easily. But it is important for us to recognize the anger too. So thank you for your honesty. I too feel anger (no matter how uncomfortable that is) about the abuse, about the crazy expectations, about the harshness, about how there was no parent in my childhood who looked out for my emotional well-being.

We're not in this alone. So glad you've joined us.

As far as relationships go, I think the more we work on healing from the traumas we sustained in childhood, the more able we are to make wise relationship choices. But it all takes time. I've been doing twelve step work in relation to my parents' alcoholism for many years now and I've done a lot of therapy to deal with all the abuse I survived. There is no doubt that I live a healthier life now than I did 30 years ago--but healing is still a process and is still ongoing. My first marriage, which ended in divorce, was to someone with DBT and narcissist at psychotic level--but he was a recovering addict instead of an active addict (which made him look a little better than my parents when we were dating). My current husband of 18 years is a kind man who has his own reasons for doing 12 step work. In our marriage there is no abuse and no psychotic issues to deal with. We both struggle with fear of anger and difficulty communicating our emotions directly. We love one another, and we're both growing and healing a day at a time. We become attracted to healthier people (and visa versa) as we work through recovery from child abuse.