Hi All.
It's been awhile since I have posted but I've been reading the boards the last few months taking it all in. Today, I felt I needed to post. Maybe it's the fact the sun is shining in Chicago and I have managed to eliminate even more crazy from my life
Anyways, I felt I needed to share!
Getting better IS possible. Being more aware and honing the ability to set boundaries can happen! You have to work at it. It isn't easy but the benefits outweigh the hard work.
Many of you know my story. I was in a LTR with a person I believe to be BPD, if not BPD she definitely had an emotional or emotional disorder/s on the spectrum. It was three years of
limited highs and an excess of lows. I was left about 13 times. She changed her number, blocked my number, threatened RO's on me. She cheated, lied and stole. Eventually she left me after a huge birthday I threw for her. I invited ALL her exes that still talked to her because she told me these were her "dearest friends".
In fact she had NO friends just exes and now I invited them all to a party where they would MEET for the 1st time.
What I did not realize it that ALL of these people had been lied to about each other. So you can imagine my ex stepping off an elevator to a row of her exes all swapping stories.
Oops. That was the beginning of the end for me. . Two weeks later she had found a replacement and has never spoken to me again.
In my relationship I had became addicted to the drama and the fact she always came back... .until she didn't. While that was the roughest time of my life, it was also the greatest gift. I no longer resent her because she actually did me a favor. I am able to see what my weaknesses are and where I need to improve myself and my choices. While I was painted a rapist and an abusive a-hole I know I am none of these things and her smear campaign (which entered my workplace) does not define me. In fact, my career is thriving and the people who have caused me issues... .
well Karma is a B. All, and I mean ALL of them have been written up by HR for their smearing because they also happened to be smearing my boss. Even though many things came out about me I had wished to keep private (specifically the fact I was in a same sex relationship) my boss who is uber conservative has become my greatest ally. I ignored all the slander as hard as it was not to throttle these people and in the end I actually prevailed. I know it's not a contest, but I do find satisfaction in knowing I got some justice in all of this.
When my ex left me a few of her exes "defected" and kept in touch with me. What I did not realize is that while some of us genuinely did not know what we were getting into, birds of a feather DO flock together. As I gained more clarity into my co-dependency and got stronger emotionally I realized a lot of these people were very toxic, some even moreso than my ex. Two tried to manipulate me and started the circular "crazy making" conversations and finally I just deleted and blocked ALL of them. Realizing they were the last "ties" to my ex and realizing this no longer mattered to me (keeping a "connection", they no longer mattered to me, it was freeing to just cut the cord and be done with it.
This weekend I finally let go of the last connection between myself and my ex we will call Lisa. Lisa had been dating someone a few months who reached out to me for help via Facebook. Despite my better judgement I engaged and all of a sudden I felt like I was dating my ex again. One was accusing the other one of being a deadbeat who hit her, the other was saying she was "toxic" and threatened to punch her daughter.
The GF of my "friend" told me she had rented a U-Haul and was moving... .she couldn't take the emotional abuse and being isolated from friends and family. She had a daughter to protect who Lisa had threatened to punch in the face.
Two hours later this person who was supposedly assaulting her texted me they were staying together and "in love".
I thought to myself, what am I doing? Why am I even reading this? These are two grown women in their 50's. This isn't preschool. These are adults with children.
For the past year I have been dating someone who used to be a good friend of mine. Dating was hard at first. I expected to be dumped at every argument. But that didn't happen. I have learned to trust again because I am dating a non-disordered person. While my girlfriend is emotional (as most of us women are) she is compassionate about others, logical and level headed. She has never put me in any danger and always has my best interests in mind. She's funny, kind and someone I would defend to the death. It's a good thing and it never would have happened if I had not been dumped by my crazy ex.
When I say crazy that does not mean I take no responsibility. This person did things that put us both in physical danger, she disssasociated while driving and would do impulsive things like kiss my friends in front of me, just to see what it felt like to kiss that person.
?
Reading this now, I see all of this is insane. Then, I didn't know what was normal and what wasn't. Chalk it up to being a late bloomer who didn't date much in her 20-30's and this was the first woman I ever dated.
I guess the point of this post is to simply say, It gets better. The longer you are removed from the "crazy making" the more aware you become. Don't be afraid to set boundaries. As caregiving people we tend to tolerate poor behavior because we "see the good" in others... .
Sometimes there isn't good in others. Sometimes people are so damaged just being in the room with them gets their toxicity all over us. Don't worry about trying to save someone. In many circumstances these people do not want saving.
Save yourself and get thee away!
Respect yourself first and foremost and don't settle for anything less. There IS better out there and you will find it once you can differeniate between healthy and not-healthy. It takes removing yourself from the person with BPD, but it CAN happen!
