Thank you so much for the hugs and support. Part of my problem is that my Mum isn’t well and I’m having to be the strong one when I don’t feel strong. I’m pretending that I’m ok when I’m not.
I wanted someone to reach out to for support and, for a
'very brief' moment, when he rang, I was hoping he was there. That’s just my old emotions talking. I’m no longer kidding myself. He’s not there and he never was. He may have said the right words now and then, but the actions never matched.
Nowadays reality quickly comes to my rescue. I look back and can see the ‘splitting’. How his moods changed as he rapidly went from loving to hating me, leading to terrible devaluation and abuse. How his fear of abandonment/engulfment led to me being tossed around like a rag-doll.
He, imo, is high on the BPD spectrum, with a little NPD/ASP thrown in, and I’m not equipped to cope with all of that. The sense of entitlement he displayed, the self-grandiosity, the drunk driving, stealing, cheating, raging, yet I also remember how fragile he seemed sometimes. His softening towards me, his vulnerability and desperation when he wanted me back. That makes my heart break for him and led to many recycles between us. Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde. It’s hard reconciling the two and I’m not sure I can.
Like all of us he is a mixture of the ‘good’ and ‘bad’, positive and negative, except we sort of balance it out. He lives in extremes depending on his mood. No middle ground, no sense of stability, or consistency. I cannot cope with such extremes. I’m glad he didn’t speak to me.
The concert was a significant moment for me. I’m not sure why or how, but I knew he’d make contact around this time. Deep down I was hoping he’d make a gesture, show me he cared, but he didn’t. The very last vestiges of all my hopes and dreams, but he just listened to my voice and went away. I don’t know what it means, but I going to get on with detaching. It’s a long, hard road, but there really is no going back.
Vortex, I really needed that hug thank you. I’m following your story and the strength you are showing is truly inspiring.
qawifem,
.“Embrace the wonderful things you can experience with your emotional freedom and healing! Remind yourself whenever you can of why NC is necessary and why you'll be so much better with NC whatsoever.”
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Great advice, thank you and for anyone reading this and considering NC. I’d say try it if you can or at least as LC as possible. It gives you space away from the chaos and doesn’t have to be forever if you don’t want it to be, but it will give you the time to get stronger and then perhaps make the decision whether or not you could cope with borderline behaviours. For 11 months post break-up I allowed my ex’s BPD symptoms to continue to play out causing additional pain, no doubt to both of us. I’m recovering much faster now that I’ve been 10 weeks fully NC. His recent contact is a little set back, showing I still have a way to go, but I've recovered much more quickly and back on track.
Lucky Jim, this helped a great deal and thanks for the reminder these are just feelings. I’m visualising them passing right through me and it’s helping.
Mar356, how true this is. I also have no doubt that other women are being used just as I was. I needed the reminder about him living to meet his own needs, thank you.
Chillamom,
.Look at how you would have reacted months ago - you might have "fallen for it" or at the very least would have been rattled and upset for days.
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This is so true and a great reminder. Thank you. . I’ve just realised that my heart rate didn’t increase, I didn’t feel nauseous and although a little anxiety remains I am so much more peaceful these days.
. It seems to me that the concert tickets were a blatant attempt to test the proverbial waters for a recycle, and I admire your strength in not engaging!
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Confession I did engage a little
. I suspected it was him after the first ‘private’ call so when he called again, I purposefully put on my most cheerful greeting. As if everything was wonderful in my world. I was hoping that he’d get the message that he hadn’t completely broken me. Yet I still feel broken. I’m battling depression and sometimes it seems like it’s winning, but he’ll never get to know that. I still have hope that I’ll beat it. I have come a long, long way.
Thank you for the encouragement Chill. Maybe all I need is a little more time.
Sadly, I’m so happy to hear from you dear friend . I often wonder how you are too and I always imagine wonderful things for you. How are you? Your post brought tears to my eyes remembering how far we’ve come and how incredibly painful those early days were. Thank you for saying you are proud of me. It might not look like it to those close to me, because I’m still very depressed, but I truly have made such a lot of progress. I really am strong. Thank you
