No clue why I did it...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I'm out almost 4 months NC from my diagnosed exBPDgf of 1.5 years. I could tell you my story, but it's nothing you guys haven't heard before. Beautiful dream girl at first, then the lying, gaslighting, cheating, recycling, etc. Every time she did something not compatible with a healthy relationship - I would firmly put my foot down and say " It's over " This must have happened a dozen times. My weakness was not being prepared for the bombardment of manipulative communication that would end up in me giving her chance and chance again. Right before my head exploded, I went NC in mid-December.

Tonight I was exhausted from work and had put the girls to bed and had a couple of drinks to relax. My life has been 1000x times better in every way. I'm not even interested in dating that much at all. I am enjoying hanging out with my friends more often, focusing on work without constant texting distractions and stress, getting into hobbies that I had abandoned.

The first month or so... .I was sad and angry and put alot of effort into online dating... .I even posted angry ramblings on this site more than a few times.

I'm honestly even that lonely now. I've been on a few dates through mutual friends. I pulled the plug on internet dating as nothing good as ever come out of that. There is a disproportionate amount of disordered people on those things!

I even saw a therapist and was completely open about everything and he was impressed about how I am aware of my emotions. I also subscribed to a talkspace therapist for some backup support.

I think about her every so often - but not much really. Sometimes something would come up or I would be reminded of something we would do and I will think about it for a few mins... .but that's it.

I can't empathize how better I am compared to 6 months ago. I'm not going to lie - I would like to have a girlfriend and I hope that happens sometime in the near future, but I'm not stressing about it...


SOO... .with all that in mind, an hour ago ( around midnight ) I was doodling on my new phone while trying to get to sleep ( yes, I know that's not a good sleeping habit! ) and I reinstall an app that I haven't used in a while. Of course a message from her that was a couple weeks old pops up stating " why do you have to be on every dating site, I just want one where I don't have to see you on "

For some ungodly unexplainable reason, I replied " I'm not on any sites anymore "

I still don't feel stupid about doing it, although I know logically that was an asinine move on my part... .

:/

[SuperJew82]

So I'm out almost 4 months NC from my diagnosed exBPDgf of 1.5 years. I could tell you my story, but it's nothing you guys haven't heard before. Beautiful dream girl at first, then the lying, gaslighting, cheating, recycling, etc. Every time she did something not compatible with a healthy relationship - I would firmly put my foot down and say " It's over " This must have happened a dozen times. My weakness was not being prepared for the bombardment of manipulative communication that would end up in me giving her chance and chance again. Right before my head exploded, I went NC in mid-December.

Tonight I was exhausted from work and had put the girls to bed and had a couple of drinks to relax. My life has been 1000x times better in every way. I'm not even interested in dating that much at all. I am enjoying hanging out with my friends more often, focusing on work without constant texting distractions and stress, getting into hobbies that I had abandoned.

The first month or so... .I was sad and angry and put alot of effort into online dating... .I even posted angry ramblings on this site more than a few times.

I'm honestly even that lonely now. I've been on a few dates through mutual friends. I pulled the plug on internet dating as nothing good as ever come out of that. There is a disproportionate amount of disordered people on those things!

I even saw a therapist and was completely open about everything and he was impressed about how I am aware of my emotions. I also subscribed to a talkspace therapist for some backup support.

I think about her every so often - but not much really. Sometimes something would come up or I would be reminded of something we would do and I will think about it for a few mins... .but that's it.

I can't empathize how better I am compared to 6 months ago. I'm not going to lie - I would like to have a girlfriend and I hope that happens sometime in the near future, but I'm not stressing about it...


SOO... .with all that in mind, an hour ago ( around midnight ) I was doodling on my new phone while trying to get to sleep ( yes, I know that's not a good sleeping habit! ) and I reinstall an app that I haven't used in a while. Of course a message from her that was a couple weeks old pops up stating " why do you have to be on every dating site, I just want one where I don't have to see you on "

For some ungodly unexplainable reason, I replied " I'm not on any sites anymore "

I still don't feel stupid about doing it, although I know logically that was an asinine move on my part... .

:/

[Sadly]

Morning
Don't beat  yourself up about this, in the overall scheme of things, your super positivity and the distance you have come it's a minute blip. Block number and carry on as you have been doing then you won't even know if it sets her off again. You never know, she might even think your not on them anymore cos you have found someone 

[Rayban]

Forget it and move on SJ.

I've been there.  Alcohol and a smart phone, are a dangerous mix. Just don't ruminate if she's seen your message, or what she might or might not answer.  That's where you could get stuck in a rut.

[UnforgivenII]

Sadly is right. She may think you are seeing someone and that is ok.

I have never answered to your topics, but I read everything here and I remember perfectly that once you wrote:

"we had a name for these people.
Evil."

Remember your words. Run from evil and do not look back.

[SuperJew82]

I'm not angry anymore. I don't think they are evil. Toxic, yes.

All she responded was " Ok. " That was at 2am. Not a peep since and it's 1pm. I've become uninteresting to her and that's ok. I thought I might have accidently triggered something more - but that isn't the case.

[SuperJew82]

I don't have any magical ideas about anything working or her improving. No way I'm going to be pulled into the craziness.

Like I said before, I do have a slight curiosity of how her life is now... .but even if I asked, I would not get an honest answer - so there isn't even that.

I hope one day that I will find my partner in life. I know it might take quite a few more learning experiences, but I'm not going to take my shoes off and walk down a path of broken glass for something that is going to be almost with certainty extremely difficult at best.

If I'm going to attempt a relationship, it's going to be with someone that has the "normal" challenges.

Relationships with healthy people are challenging enough sometimes! I have two little girls that are learning from me on what a relationship looks like - so I'm doing this for them and myself.

Every night when I tuck my little girls in, I tell them how special they are, how I will always be there with them, how proud I am of them, and how I love them for than anything in the world.

I never would want them to face what a person like my ex or another pwBPD has to face. I still don't know how to answer questions about their uninvolved mother, but they will never feel abandoned by me. That reminds me I need to check up my life insurance status... .

[Skip]

For some ungodly unexplainable reason, I replied " I'm not on any sites anymore "

And now you feel vulnerable for giving her an inside view into you?

I say this as it really helps to pinpoint what it is we are emotionally reacting to.

The exchange itself was nothing. Wish you weren't on every dating sight. Hey, I'm not on any. An inappropriate frustration followed by a unnecessary defensive comment.

What's triggering you?

[SuperJew82]

Now I'm not on any dating websites... .well eharmony just because I paid six months... .and that's a new different approach I'd like to try out... .I'm done with the free sites. I have to say nothing good as come from a free dating app/site. I think it might filter out some of the unstable people if they have to open their wallets, grab a credit card, and fill out a long profile.


soo... .I would be lying to say that I'm not just a little surprised - and I want to say a tiny bit disappointed ( not really disappointed - disappointed as when you go see a really scary movie - and it turns out to be a Monthy Python flick  ) when Pandora's box didn't come flying at me when I sent that message after 3 months NC... .oh well! :P

[SuperJew82]

The feelings I have would not be considered vulnerable, but maybe just "surprised". I feel no sadness, loss, or anything of the sort... .just a more surreal feeling that I messaged her and got nothing but an "Ok" back - and I am OK with that. :P

Well, I'm scratching that blip off and continuing what I'm doing. I don't know what got into me last night. I hope she is doing alright and I'm glad our toxic arrangement is in the history books of my life.