Introduction/ Advice needed

[MississippiGirl]

I have posted on here recently, and finally have the courage to come forth and discuss what is in my life with my family.  I'm not for sure if my dad has BPD, but he is definitely someone that has become blindsided over the years after being so worn down from my mom.  My mom, definitely has BPD!  

After a couple of years being in grad school for a counseling program, the overall character of my mom has become so real that I cannot tell myself she's just your average, crazy mom .  From her constant need to be a "helpless lamb" in a family fight situation, while silently throwing me under the bus, to making herself the charismatic wife and mother in public... .I could go on with the many faces the BPD mom can take on.  She is the queen, and then the waif.  She plays dumb with not understanding how she sounds at times, yet she's fully aware and remembers significant details I tell her about my life.  NOW, I am careful to not leak out too much information about myself.  She has damaged my reputation in my old neighborhood, basically running with any negative idea that someone from my church had about me, and has continually set me up to fail from my teen years, and still tries.

My sister, on the other hand, has always been viewed as the golden girl and has been on the pedestal for most of her life.  While I would be in trouble for every little thing, she would have the privilege to go out anytime,  get more on a shopping trip, be able to make silly mistakes, have tons of friends, and would overall have more positive encouragement from both parents.  My dad was always too busy to see what was going on, or he felt lucky to not be under the unusual punishment from my mom.  Again, I'm sure most people know the ugly nature of a BPD mom who likes to play favorites, or has specifically assigned one child to be the "bad" one.  Any time I had friends, I was always criticized for how they were, always a problem.  I now realize that was a practice of isolation.  I have been able to overcome this, stand up for myself, and make something of myself.  

But my BPD mom is relentless, and is tactful at getting my sister to be involved in her game against me.  She easily plays along, because she knows she will have the permission to attack and say hateful things, and to top it off she is the "favorite," and knows it.  I'm at a point of exhaustion.  Anytime I have a personal victory for myself, I know my mom will try so much harder to put things on me as the "bad one," even now when I have a family of my own.  The last personal victory I had was over Christmas.  We know the pattern my mom loves to play with and that is big, family oriented events.  It's easier for her with events because there's just more... .tension?  energy?  I won't ever know.  She knew things were raw between my sister and I, yet she cannot ever smooth things over, offer a solution, etc.  Incapable of problem solving.  So, my husband and I decided not to attend Christmas Eve with them.  We let them know earlier in the afternoon, but did offer to stop by earlier in the day. No, that would not work as she broke down to tears and let us know that "That's not really Christmas Eve."  Well we stuck to our decision and I'm glad we did. I calmly explained why we were not doing this. She had just planned for my sister and her husband to come too, no one else.  I still think we avoided a trap from my mom.  We came Christmas morning, and stayed a good four hours.  Both of my parents seemed very unhappy about Christmas Eve.  I think my dad was actually crying.  I felt so bad, but I'm not up for being hurt by my mom and sister that constantly twist things on me!  I will admit that in past years, there was a bitter time period, as I realized there were things done towards me that I did not realize.  I was the family scapegoat, and I am done being in that role.

  So on to Easter, my mother has recently talked to me and stated that once again, it would be nice if I could be part of the family.  She worded things as if I was the one who started all of it.  In her eyes, I'm sure I am the devil child that started it all, even though I'm all about my son!  I had openly said that I'm sure my son would love to have fun this Easter, as he's a toddler.  Immediately, that comment was interpreted to her as a way for her to be in control.  
"Well, I guess I can do Easter... .I'm not sure if I can have anything anymore." she said.

I would love to "lawyer" her in a corner but I know this just does not work. If I raise my voice, I'm attacking her, and if I don't respond, then something is wrong with me.  I will never win.  
Does anyone have a creative solution?  A general response that could work?  

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey  MississippiGirl:   

I'm sorry about the problems with your mom and sister.     It's frustrating when people with BPD (pwBPD) have to control everything and can't be satisfied unless things are exactly the way they want.

I had openly said that I'm sure my son would love to have fun this Easter, as he's a toddler.  Immediately, that comment was interpreted to her as a way for her to be in control.  "Well, I guess I can do Easter... .I'm not sure if I can have anything anymore." she said.

I would love to "lawyer" her in a corner but I know this just does not work. If I raise my voice, I'm attacking her, and if I don't respond, then something is wrong with me.  I will never win. 
Does anyone have a creative solution?  A general response that could work? 

The video at the link below on how to use "I" statements, and the quote below, should be helpful:
"I" STATEMENTS

How To Use I-Statements:

Start by identifying how you feel: mad, sad, frustrated, etc.
I feel __________

State the reason you feel this way or what happened that led you to those feelings.
when __________

Try to identify the reason the person’s actions led to those feelings for you.
because __________

Let the person know what you want instead.
I would like __________ .

Example:
Your spouse snaps at you during dinner and it really hurt your feelings. Here’s an I-statement to use with this scenario:

I feel hurt when you snap at me like that because I worked hard to cook this nice dinner for us. I would like you to use nicer words and tone with me, and to know if something happened today that has led you to be in a bad mood.

I'm thinking that you don't want to go to your parent's house for Easter. Probably best to plan out how you want to celebrate each upcoming event and then decide before hand what is possible for joint celebrations with your parents and sister.  It would have been easier, if you were able to tell your mom about your personal Easter plans, when you mentioned your son and Easter.  It's natural to want to casually talk about such things with most mothers, but not yours.

In view of the current situation, perhaps you could use some form of the statement below:

"I get frustrated when I'm expected to celebrate all occasions at your house.  I need to have some of my own traditions and other experiences.  I want to continue to celebrate occasions at your home, but it won't be every occasion and always on exact dates.  I've already made plans for Easter day, but I can bring your grandchild over the day before Easter to celebrate."

There may be other "I" statements that you can prepare for certain situations.  If you set certain  BOUNDARIES (and continually enforce them), things can get better for you.  Be careful to NOT invalidate their feelings by words, expressions or body language.  It's most important to NOT invalidate, but it can be helpful to sometimes validate their feelings.  That doesn't mean you agree with their point of view, just that you can acknowledge their feelings.  i.e. "I can see that you are disappointed that your grandchild won't spend Easter day with you. We can have just as much fun on the day before."