where do i go from here?

[Brighteyes34]

Hi everyone... .Really looking for some help and guidance right now! I have been split up from my ex almost 3 yrs now. We had an on off relationship for 8 yrs, him being the reason we split every time.Although he has never been officially diagnosed with BPD, he definitely shows most if not all the symptoms. He was diagnosed with depression about 9 yrs ago and put on meds and thats as far as he got. He will not under any circumstances seek any kind of therapy as he thinks he doesnt need it! The big problem i have is, even though we have been split up the past 3 yrs, he will not leave me alone to move on. At first i responded to his messages or missed calls because i really loved him and felt bad because he seemed so down. Over time i felt that it was not doing me any good and decided to stop responding hoping he would get bored and leave me be. But every so often the sadness and lonliness would get the better of me(all my family live abroad) and we would have a little chat which 9 times out of 10 ended in us arguing because i always felt he was messing with my emotions. The last time he contacted me was about 3 wks ago on facebook to tell me i looked really pretty and he liked my hair. I dont know what it is with me but i always seem to fall for his charm! We had a small chat and that was that, until the next day i was told by his aunt that he has been in a relationship for the past 8 months! Even though we have been apart for so long it really knocked me. I confronted him later that day saying how disrespectful it was to his new gf and myself also and he didnt seem to think there was anything wrong with it at all but went on to say he will never commit to her because he keeps comparing their relationship to ours and that he loves me but is too scared to try again because he knows he will hurt me again... .he has my head so messed up... the last 3 yrs have literally passed me by while i sat at home heart broken, feeling worthless and thinkink how i could have stopped all this from happening. I literally feel like a shadow of myself lately and the only thing keeping me going is my daughter from a previous relationship. He contacts me in some shape or form at the very least,every 3 wks, so i have decided to block him every way possible and hopefully begin to heal myself and be happy again. Sorry for the long post but i wanted to get as much in as possible. Have any of you been in similiar shoes as mine? I dont know anyone personally and would really appreciate some help and guidance... .

thanks
xxx

[bunny4523]

  Brighteyes

Hi,

Have you asked yourself what you like about him or what positive things you get from the interaction?  I'm asking because I think it's important to recognize is it HIM that you miss or is it just having someone there to share things with?

you said:  The big problem I have is, even though we have split up the past 3 years, he will not leave me along to move on.

I think that is the key to your post.  I think it is very important to distance yourself from him so that you can move on.  3 weeks is not quite enough for most people.  You will still feel some kind of connection.  I think you have the right idea to block him right now and work on healing.  Putting distance is really the only way to step back to start seeing things clearly.

I wish you the best-
Bunny

[Brighteyes34]

Hey bunny

Thanks for the reply.
Yep iv asked myself that question so many times. I know it's my own fault for allowing him to contact me. My own confidence has been shattered by it all and I think I was living in hope that he would wake up and live up to everything he promised.
But realising now he's been in a relationship the past 8 months has really opened my eyes! But has also caused some old wounds to open and cause me upset...
Just wanted to see has anyone else been in a similar situation for a little bit of guidance. I don't have a lot of support in my personal life!

Thanks again x
Xx

[lovenature]

Welcome Brighteyes

I have been in a similar situation like many of us on here, we know in our heads the only logical thing to do is leave and stay away but our hearts keep us hanging on to hope it will work out. The greatest fear of a PWBPD is abandonment and the worst thing for them is loosing an attachment, this is why ANY attention we give them shows them an attachment is still in place and sooths their fear.
You know where you need to go from what you wrote: block everything you can-total NC.
When you get lonely and feel like reaching out to your ex. come here instead and talk to others who know your pain.