Those of Us Who Married Our BPDex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It is interesting to me that so many people here seeking solace like me are different in that their relationships were shorter.  Many here report their relationships died in only a year or three.  It causes me to remember the first few years of my relationship and it has helped me think back to those even crazier days.  I think that after about eight years, things somehow "normalized."  Patterns of cold shouldering and occasional raging weren't as often or as unseen... .but they were more effective and that's probably why.  I remember at around six years I had a rock-bottom, exhaustion discussion with her mother and her mother told me "She treats you this way because she believes you will NEVER leave her."  At the time I took it for truth... .I somehow knew I wouldn't be strong enough to leave her... .but now I know that was far from the truth where my ex was concerned--she always thought I would leave and that was the crux of her problem like any BPD.

It is ironic to me that so many of us here were married for a long time to a BPD yet so many others here report theirs "left them."  Mine would have never left me on her own.  I don't understand this and wonder what the fundamental difference is between my ex and those others.  I wish she would have left me long ago; it would have been so much easier for me because I couldn't be "cruel" enough to leave her.  I hate to say it but after only being with her for a couple of years, I internally prayed that she would leave me and there were times I thought that if she died I would be o.k. With it.  I remember after being with her for two years, I was embarassed that I had married someone who was such a bad person.  She dominated me in every way.  She went nuts if I went out with friends or had to work unscheduled overtime (I was a patrol cop at the time).  She humiliated me for being "nice" to people or going out of my way to help others.  She treated my family like they were the worst of the worst, even though they are kind, thoughtful, respected folks.  She ignored people and was horribly disrespectful at events where she was not the center of attention.  She had ZERO friends.  I respect people here who were able to leave someone like her after a few years.  The people who were devalued and permanently dumped... .well, lucky you.

I think being married for a long time to a BPD caused me to develop some serious anxiety issues.  I also developed severe atrial fibrillation with my primary trigger being... .you got it... .anxiety (in my 20's).

I read a thread about cheating BPD'ers.  I didn't think she ever cheated on me but... .I remember the worst time in our marriage (it was BAD because most of our marriage was tough) was when she was doing a four month rotation residency 1.5 hours away.  I was caring for our baby boy from Sunday night through Friday night.  She would get home Friday night and wouldn't talk to me until Saturday afternoon (cold shoulder/contempt).  We would make up Saturday night and by Sunday I was devalued again and off she went.  She reported during that time that an employee at the worksite was flirting a lot with her and "wouldn't leave her alone."  After about four weeks, I finally told her that I was going to call the worksite and report that this guy was harassing my wife.  She said that she would talk to the manager there... .she claimed she did... .And the guy was talked to and left her alone.  I'm not so sure anymore.  It would be good to know but I'll never know now.

Finally, I remember a few years ago the song "Lonely Boy" by the Black Keys came on the radio when I was in the car with her.  It is an infectious song.  I ended up singing the song:
 "Well I'm so above you/and its plain to see/but I came to love you anyway/so you tore my heart out/and I don't mind bleeding/any old time to keep me waiting/waiting/waiting
 "Well your mama kept you but your daddy left you/and I should've done you just the same/but I came to love you/am I born to bleed?/Any old time you keep me waiting... .

She punched me as hard as she could in the shoulder and didn't talk to me for a day.  I was just enjoying the song.  When you take the lyrics literally, it is literally about a BPD woman.  She knew it was her.  Crazy.

[Torched]

It is interesting to me that so many people here seeking solace like me are different in that their relationships were shorter.  Many here report their relationships died in only a year or three.  It causes me to remember the first few years of my relationship and it has helped me think back to those even crazier days.  I think that after about eight years, things somehow "normalized."  Patterns of cold shouldering and occasional raging weren't as often or as unseen... .but they were more effective and that's probably why.  I remember at around six years I had a rock-bottom, exhaustion discussion with her mother and her mother told me "She treats you this way because she believes you will NEVER leave her."  At the time I took it for truth... .I somehow knew I wouldn't be strong enough to leave her... .but now I know that was far from the truth where my ex was concerned--she always thought I would leave and that was the crux of her problem like any BPD.

It is ironic to me that so many of us here were married for a long time to a BPD yet so many others here report theirs "left them."  Mine would have never left me on her own.  I don't understand this and wonder what the fundamental difference is between my ex and those others.  I wish she would have left me long ago; it would have been so much easier for me because I couldn't be "cruel" enough to leave her.  I hate to say it but after only being with her for a couple of years, I internally prayed that she would leave me and there were times I thought that if she died I would be o.k. With it.  I remember after being with her for two years, I was embarassed that I had married someone who was such a bad person.  She dominated me in every way.  She went nuts if I went out with friends or had to work unscheduled overtime (I was a patrol cop at the time).  She humiliated me for being "nice" to people or going out of my way to help others.  She treated my family like they were the worst of the worst, even though they are kind, thoughtful, respected folks.  She ignored people and was horribly disrespectful at events where she was not the center of attention.  She had ZERO friends.  I respect people here who were able to leave someone like her after a few years.  The people who were devalued and permanently dumped... .well, lucky you.

I think being married for a long time to a BPD caused me to develop some serious anxiety issues.  I also developed severe atrial fibrillation with my primary trigger being... .you got it... .anxiety (in my 20's).

I read a thread about cheating BPD'ers.  I didn't think she ever cheated on me but... .I remember the worst time in our marriage (it was BAD because most of our marriage was tough) was when she was doing a four month rotation residency 1.5 hours away.  I was caring for our baby boy from Sunday night through Friday night.  She would get home Friday night and wouldn't talk to me until Saturday afternoon (cold shoulder/contempt).  We would make up Saturday night and by Sunday I was devalued again and off she went.  She reported during that time that an employee at the worksite was flirting a lot with her and "wouldn't leave her alone."  After about four weeks, I finally told her that I was going to call the worksite and report that this guy was harassing my wife.  She said that she would talk to the manager there... .she claimed she did... .And the guy was talked to and left her alone.  I'm not so sure anymore.  It would be good to know but I'll never know now.

Finally, I remember a few years ago the song "Lonely Boy" by the Black Keys came on the radio when I was in the car with her.  It is an infectious song.  I ended up singing the song:
 "Well I'm so above you/and its plain to see/but I came to love you anyway/so you tore my heart out/and I don't mind bleeding/any old time to keep me waiting/waiting/waiting
 "Well your mama kept you but your daddy left you/and I should've done you just the same/but I came to love you/am I born to bleed?/Any old time you keep me waiting... .

She punched me as hard as she could in the shoulder and didn't talk to me for a day.  I was just enjoying the song.  When you take the lyrics literally, it is literally about a BPD woman.  She knew it was her.  Crazy.

[alwayswrong4]

I think my ego was on its last leg when I left my BPDexgf after our two year relationship. It didn't feel like I broke up with her because I wanted to be with her but her abuse was too much to take. If she had maintained her demeanor from the first 1.5 years of our relationship I would've married her no doubt.

[Pretty Woman]

Torched, thank you for sharing your story. It's interesting hearing the "other side"... .what happens when you are married to one. I am empathetic to you. When you wrote that you got to a point if she died you'd be ok with that.

I can so relate. I'm a compassionate person but this relationship felt like a death trap... .yet I stayed and that's my issue.

Hearing your story helps me. I was in a four year relationship. We never lived together (thank god). She cheated on me the entire time with several exes she had in rotation. She would even devalue and discard when she had a substitute... .if not romantic, someone who feigned interest like a naieve friend. For awhile there was a girl she thought was interested in her so she dumped me and threatened an RO. I hadn't done anything but ask what happened, it was so out of the blue. During this time my ex ended up in the hospital and this girl (who wasn't really interested) never visited her. My ex took this as rejection and painted her black. My ex then went on Match and started up a relationship with a woman with herpes. Apparently they never met but now I think how stupid I was to put myself back in danger (now physically) with someone who left me and cheated. My ex came back when neither prospect panned out and I took her back. Of course it was on Valentines Day. She sent me flowers and got flowers at work from the woman she met on Match. She made sure to tell me this.

She was playing us back and forth.

My ex coldly dumped me two years ago and is still with this girl. They have lived together a year and now are getting married. I can't fathom how someone could treat me so shytty and be blissfully happy with the next. Your post helps me to see it may not be better. It can last longer but be he_ _ for the significant other.

I'm sorry you went through this. As different as our situations are, you having married one and having to leave while I was not married and left, one thing is for certain, both situations were very damaging and not healthy.

We need to take care of us.  It really isn't about them anymore and trying to figure out the WHY's. We can't climb into their heads and I think that's a good thing!

 

I think marriages "work" when one person is more compliant (the non). I started standing up for myself. I would try to "negotiate" with the emotional terrorist (my ex).

[Torched]

I think marriages "work" when one person is more compliant (the non). I started standing up for myself. I would try to "negotiate" with the emotional terrorist (my ex).

I was indeed the compliant partner.  I never ever said anything cross to her even when she raged.  I always treated her with great compassion.  This has left me with a lot of anger now that it is over.  Today she set me off over my kids and I finally let her have it verbally for the first time, ever.  Maybe that's bad, but maybe it's healing.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Torched, How long were you married?  I was in a 16-year marriage to my BPDxW, so I can relate.  The stress, I know, is enormous over a long-term marriage, so I'm unsurprised that you have anxiety and atrial fib.  A BPD marriage takes a toll on one physically, in my experience.  How are you doing these days?

LuckyJim

[Torched]

Hey Torched, How long were you married?  I was in a 16-year marriage to my BPDxW, so I can relate.  The stress, I know, is enormous over a long-term marriage, so I'm unsurprised that you have anxiety and atrial fib.  A BPD marriage takes a toll on one physically, in my experience.  How are you doing these days?

LuckyJim

Married 16 years as well.  I was ready to be out at 12 but gave it another chance after filing and her hitting a counselor for the first time after saying she never ever would.