Trying to process and healing from breakup with undiagnosed BPD boyfriend

[healing15]

Hi!  I'm so grateful I found this forum.

I discovered a day after I broke up with my ex-BF for good that he fits all the criteria for BPD.  Reading posts about this sound like I wrote them.

I am reeling and so confused.  I had heard about BPD but never understood it.  I didn't see it coming.  I was coming along nicely 2 years after a painful divorce from an emotionally unavailable spouse of many years.  And then I set out to find a life partner online.  Someone that was open with his feelings and affectionate.  Something I craved my whole life.  I had terrible role models for relationships and a bipolar father so my ex-spouse seemed great and I settled.  Stayed for the kids, etc... .

So after 6 months of carefully searching I found Prince Charming.  Good dancer, super affectionate, appreciative, nurturing, same taste in music.  A whole new world opened up to me.  Whirlwind summer romance was nothing I ever experienced before.

But from the beginning I felt something was "off."  It was like he was acting.  But my need for connection and my loneliness allowed me to ignore the warning signs.  There were strange things that would come up.  Like he has no filter.  He has no idea of boundaries with other people.  Would get mad for things that wouldn't frustrate anyone else.  Telling me he loved me on the 5th date.  (I believed he was just getting carried away and I said so).  He wanted to show me off but then seemed jealous of my people skills and accomplishments.

When he first attacked my character I thought it was the alcohol talking.  He then decided to never drink alcohol again and I naively thought that would take care of the problem.  These attacks were intensely hurtful.  But then he drank again, attacked my character and the lied about it.  I broke up with because of breaking the commitment but mostly because he lied.  (wasn't the first time he had lied and I have a zero tolerance for it).  When I would be sobbing after being hurt he had no empathy.  But 98% of the time was wonderful.  We had so much in common that I thought it was worth it to keep trying and he was willing to go to communication classes, so I gave him another chance.  So after 3 weeks I took him back.  When we first again he treated me like a stranger.  He had completely separated emotionally in only 3 weeks. I missed the good times and the memories of bad stuff was fading. After a while things seemed good again.  But then I found out he had been cheating on me for at least the following 4 months.  It would be when we would have a peaceful disagreement with open communication and mutual respect.  But he would voice concerns that he thought I was going to break up with him and I'm 99% sure these are the times he would separate emotionally and go cheat on me.

I am struggling because it's so hurtful to know that the "love" he showed me 98% of the time seemed to be an act and that I fell for it.  I know I had a strong need for attention and affection when I met him and I ignored warning signs.  I think if I knew more about BPD I would have been able to make sense of his intermittent bizarre behavior and mood swings and I would have steered clear of him.

I'd like to get to a point where I can remember the good times.  But it's all tarnished now and so hurtful, especially since he put my health at risk with his risky behaviors.  I'm so disgusted.  I'm trying to reconcile all of this in my head.  I feel blind-sighted.   I'm in my 50s and have overcome a lot in my life and with introspection and an excellent therapist I have grown into a confident person.  But this makes me have some doubts now because it seems all the nice things he said to me were just him acting and seduction.

Thanks for listening.  Any stories or comments you want to share are welcome.

[Larmoyant]

Hi healing15, and welcome to BPD Family   

As I was reading your post I was struck by how many similarities there are between us. I too was at the stage where I wanted to find someone to love and thought online would be a good place to try. The way you describe how your relationship evolved is very familiar to many of us here.

Here’s a link to some info that may resonate and help you:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

It’s common around here to wonder if all the nice things were meant, and if they ever really loved you.  I like to believe that mine did, but not in the way we, as non BPD, view love. Keep reading and posting and the confusion will begin to clear. How long have you been broken up?

[healing15]

Thank you Larmoyant,

I broke up with him 1 month ago.  But then I found out by accident that he had been cheating on me.  I was doing pretty well before I found that out. 

Thank you for the link.  It's so helpful.  I'm lucky that I've been with my therapist for four years, through my divorce, etc. and she is guiding me through this so I can learn from it.

My father is a bipolar, narcissist.  I was his first child and became his narcissistic extension.  I didn't know that term till a couple of years ago.  So, my BPD BF played right into that.  And I ended up trying to always make sure everything was ok, minimizing stress for him, cheering him up... .   Now I see this is the same thing I guess I did around my father when I was a little girl.

How long have you been broken up?

[Larmoyant]

Hi healing, it’s early days for you and I know how difficult that is. I’m way further down the line. It ended in Jan 2016, but then we had an almost year long break-up which ended up resembling the relationship where all his BPD symptoms played out. I finally put a stop to it almost three months ago and the space and time has made a huge difference. I would highly recommend not detaching the way I did. Just prolonged the agony.

Cheating is a terrible betrayal and would have cut deep  . It has all sorts of repercussions and is a massive dent to our self-esteem. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist. Mine helped me leave and along with BPD Family she was a huge support. 

I also found it helpful when I realised that I was replaying old family dynamics in my relationship and how his devaluing me and the push/pull nature of the relationship was re-opening old wounds time and time again. Looking back it's no wonder the mess I was in. I'm glad you're starting to connect the dots it will really help you recover from this.

Has your ex respected your decision to break-up?

[lovenature]

Hi healing 15

I understand how it appeared to be an act and you wonder if he ever really loved you, I believe the truth is a PWBPD loves their partner to what they are capable of; they mirror us to gain a sense of self and feel like they exist during idealization where we think they really love us and are a compatible partner, then we get too close and trigger their fear of engulfment so they hurt us to push us away, then we get pulled back quickly because their greatest fear of abandonment is triggered.
PWBPD have psychological defenses, such as projection, to protect them from feeling shame that is too painful for them. Avoiding abandonment is top priority, cheating occurs when their fear you will leave them becomes too great.

1 month out is a very painful time.
Learning as much as I could about the disorder really helped in my detachment and healing, NC was essential as well.
Go easy with yourself, recovery isn't linear.