Welcome upisdowndownisup: I'm sorry your are having so much difficulty with your fiance. Sounds like you have a useful background and knowledge of DBT skills.
We are getting married in June. I am at my wits end. I am a happy and competent person when I am away from her, and I feel like I am dealing with a toddler. I love her to death but I do not know how to help her as she is not my patient: I can't just DBT her and ask her to use skills. That is not my job.
It's good that you recognize that it isn't your job to fix her. If she quit taking meds now, that may be the status quo.
The one thing I don't think I've ever heard around here, is that things got better after marriage. The reality is that what you see is what you get. You may love her to death, but you need to decide if you can live with the things you don't like about her. Even if you can change some behaviors for a period of time, some may return down the road.
Don't be afraid to postpone the wedding, if you are unsure. Best to be sure before you invest a lot of money.
Last week we started couples therapy, and I am hopeful but worried she will continue to put everything on me "we would be happier if you quit your job, spent all your time with me, and we traveled the world".
Therapy is a place to be honest. If she does continue to put everything on you, then you will need to make a decision as to whether it is something you can accept and live with.
Take a look around. There are links to various communication skills in the right hand margin and at the very top of the page, within the wide green band.
Have you been successful with setting and enforcing some boundaries with your partner?
