We told the kids about the separation

[daverisk]

Today my wife and I explained the separation to our kids S11, D8, and D7.  Originally I was going to have to do this alone, but she joined me... .didn't speak much... .but was there.

We've been living separately for four weeks now... .they kids are staying with me in the apartment while the wife is at a mutual friend's apartment a few blocks away.  She's here ALMOST every day for at least a few minutes. 

Originally we told the kids she was staying with Grandma (94 years old)... .to help her because she's frail... .today we sat them down and gave them more of the truth.  Which they already suspected/knew.

So, I started by asking if they knew why mommy wasn't sleeping at our house... .no one answered until finally D7 repeated the helping grandma story.  I asked them if they remembered mommy and daddy arguing a lot before she left.  They said yes... .so I explained that we didn't like arguing in front of them because we knew it made them sad and scared.  Then I explained we were getting help from special people to help us stop arguing.  I explained we were not getting a divorce... .just getting help... .they did nothing wrong... .mommy and daddy love them and will always be mommy and daddy no matter what happens... .and then we reassured them we love them... .and each other... .and then kissed... .to show the affection... .told them this was a private matter between our family and not to talk about it a lot at school... .then asked if they had any questions or comments... .D8 asked if mommy would come live with us by summer... .mom said yes. 

Mostly it was anti-climatic... .seemed there was a sense of relief... .D11 might have been a little sad... .on my way to talk to him now.

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[JoeBPD81]

hang in there.

kids adapt fast. As long as both of you care about them, and never use them as weapons towards each other, they'll be fine. Your talk sounds very calming and true.

[daverisk]

Well, I think taking the kids at 9PM and driving 5 hours to her mom's house... .pulling them out of school for three days... .not telling me where she was... .and then getting pissed because I didn't beg her to tell me nor offer money to make sure she and the kids had food and gas money... .then leaving them with me for almost four weeks now to handle the crying fits and misbehavior associated with their disrupted lives might be using the kids as a weapon... .maybe not... .but if she cares for anyone other than herself it's the children... .which is both good and bad... .I don't want her back here just to be with the kids.

[stayingsteady]

Daverisk,

I think the way you handled this was excellent.  It was an extremely tactful approach to a very sensitive situation.  The reasons you had provided as to why would be very easy to understand for a younger person.  You even secured your wife's well being in the process by not demonizing her, showing her affection, and allowing the door to be open when the question was asked if she was coming home by summer.  I think this really was a job well done.

I also agree with your boundary in not wanting her back just to be with the kids.  I feel that if she did come back just to be with the kids there would be a higher risk of manipulative behavior developing within the home.

This is an extremely delicate situation, and I know you've stated that you feel there are a few things you could have done better.  As an entire situation, I truly feel your doing an excellent job.

[daverisk]

Stayingsteady,

Thanks for your vote of confidence.  I am really flying by the seat of my pants here.

[livednlearned]

I am really flying by the seat of my pants here.

And doing a really good job! You should feel proud that the seat of your pants can fly so well