How can they not care at all?

[TNDad]

 I knew it was a mistake this morning to post today taking one small step forward. I got home today from vacation and I had poured my heart out to her knowing that it wouldn't make any difference. All of my friends had told me to not even talk to her  not even consider letting her back after she left me and the kids.

 We got me was that she got so mean and deliberately wanted to hurt me. She had to tell me all about her relationship being so much better than ours and how they were so great  after I for gave so much cheating this past year and stealing and everything else.

 I know this is a character trait that people with this or other disorders have it I just don't get it. I don't get how no matter the history or how long you were together or how much you ___ed for that person or how much you did to care for that person that they focus on the two things you didn't do  which makes you a horrible and abusive person. I was abusive because I got angry because she cheated and never stops talking to other men sense. I got angry because she refused to put her phone down even when we are spending our time together in the house started going to hack because she was  laying in bed on her phone texting and talking to other guys. The kids even saw that they were being asked to do more than they should and being yelled that and not looked after because she was doing all these things.

 Again, I know it's one of these traits I just don't understand how after you've done so much and forgiven so much how they don't care at all about you. They meet somebody new and it's like you were literally a piece of garbage that they just tossed away.

 And even now against probably everybody here, all of my therapists that I've seen over the years in different states because that's where I have been to try and make her happy, and any friend I've ever had plus anyone that knows the two of us in town and how she is, I would still take her back if she would simply say that she sorry   And commit to getting help. But I can't take her back without needing acknowledging she needs help. This is been done twice to my kids already and I can't happen a third. I'm just going away by how much they're willing to do  validate the new relationship even if it means destroying the person that love them unconditionally.

[TitansBraves2017]

This is hard to accept but they only care about themselves. That's it. I know it's hard and it hurts but that is the truth. I am so sorry you are dealing with this too.

[TNDad]

I guess I wish I could have helped her. I don't know how I lost focus of it. I let this happen to us again.

[Duped 1]

It is devastating how someone that once supposedly cared so much can flip a switch and suddenly we are nothing. I've never experienced anything like this and I haven't handled it well (getting drunk and lashing out on multiple occasions which only made everything much worse and played right into her victim mentality). The coldness of the discard and replacement makes it seem like she isn't even human. Zero empathy and no regard for me whatsoever just days after talking about marriage. Then completely cut out of her life. She cares only about her

[ShadowA]

I guess I wish I could have helped her. I don't know how I lost focus of it. I let this happen to us again.

That's a dangerous thought.

[FallenOne]

I guess I wish I could have helped her. I don't know how I lost focus of it. I let this happen to us again.

All BPD relationships end... It doesn't matter if it's a week or 20 years. It doesn't matter what you do, or how you handle it. There was nothing you could have done. it's a battle where neither side wins.

[vortex of confusion]

   

It feels so horrible to have the person that you love and had kids with tell you how much better another person is. It is the ultimate kick in the gut. Three weeks after I kicked him out, he shows up telling me that he found the love of his life. She floated his boat and inspired him and they had some kind of great spiritual connection. Forget the fact that he and I had been together for almost 18 years at that point and had 4 kids together. He even showed me her picture at our family Easter celebration.

When the relationship she is currently in ends,  she will quite likely tell you that she is sorry. Ex has poured it on pretty thick lately with the "I am sorry. I did horrible things to you. I miss you and the kids. Blah, blah, blah." He is only doing it because he is alone at the moment. I won't budge. I am not going to take him back no matter what he says or does. I know that no matter what he says or does it isn't going to last very long. It won't take him long to get bored and stop making any kind of effort. It won't take long to get sucked right back into the roller coaster ride. No matter how much I love him, I can't and won't do it.

Even if she does say she is sorry and even if she does acknowledge that she needs help, what is that going to change?

[TNDad]

I honestly can't take her back. This one hurt far too much. Over the past year I have forgiven her going out 3-5 nights a week, cheating on me, lying every day, hiding things from me, making me look like a fool at work, talking to other men constantly and now after forgiving all that, she is with him and tells me how they are the same person.

I don't know what kind of guy he is. We are married with 4 children and he not only has an affair with her but they both think they are justified. She shows no remorse for anything she has done, has completely downplayed her role, not only blamed me for everything but I've become the horrible husband vs the guy that has done so much for her.

There is no remorse and she doesn't care to make statements that she know will hurt me. I got home from vacation and poured my heart out to her the whole week. Her only responses to me were to defend him and ask for money. I was supposed because when we spoke in the phone I was able to silence her because she tried saying I was emotionally cheating on her somehow, (not talking to any other women), and that emotionally was worse than physically. I then told her that was interesting because she is doing both to me at the same time right now, has "talked" to other men all year which was emotionally damaging to me and never touched me which lead me to believe she was messing around with others and lying about it. She had nothing to say for the first time. I thought I might have been getting through.

Nope, she is still firing away. I honestly just can't do it anymore. I can't deal with her chaos and more importantly, I can't let the kids deal with it. I won't be able to stop her from seeing them but she will lose interest anyway. I just can't believe how you can do so much and they not only don't care about it but try to hurt you like it's something fun.

[TNDad]

I don't know what would change with therapy and medication. I'm hoping a lot. I never expect her to be fully functioning but at least manageable. I don't know what this relationship will bring though. He doesn't care about who he is hurting including my kids. The both of them are incredibly selfish and since he is acting the same way, she is feeling even more justified and cares even less about how she treats me.

I know that this sounds childish but she has let him touch her more in almost 3 weeks, the only amount of time she'll admit to, than me in the last 3 years and that is no exaggeration. Just the thought of being cheated on daily is painful enough.

I don't know if I can forgive her because her apologize are usually "I'm sorry but... .or yes, I'm sorry but can we move on and not talk about it even again like it never happened starting right now... .I don't know how I can forgive after that sort of apology and her continually doing things to hurt me.

[vortex of confusion]

He doesn't care about who he is hurting including my kids.

This is on her not him. There is a good chance that he only has part of the story or something based on complete lies. When ex wanted and open relationship and was chasing other women, he told them all sorts of lies. I contacted a few of them and the stuff that he told them was nothing like reality. They had no idea that I cared or that he was telling me one story and telling them another. It wasn't my brightest moments but most of the women that I talked to dumped him after I told them the truth of what was really going on.

I know that this sounds childish but she has let him touch her more in almost 3 weeks, the only amount of time she'll admit to, than me in the last 3 years and that is no exaggeration. Just the thought of being cheated on daily is painful enough.

Those are the kinds of things that make me want to puke. Ex couldn't be bothered to make plans for our anniversary yet he got so excited over one of his "friends" coming to town. He talked about it to me and was so excited about it and was agonizing over whether or not he was going to sleep with her. He couldn't get it up for our anniversary a day or two prior. Talk about the ultimate feeling of rejection.

I don't know if I can forgive her because her apologize are usually "I'm sorry but... .or yes, I'm sorry but can we move on and not talk about it even again like it never happened starting right now... .I don't know how I can forgive after that sort of apology and her continually doing things to hurt me.

I have given up on forgiving ex. Maybe some day I will get to a point where this stuff no longer hurts. I don't know when that will be and I am not going to rush it. I am finally giving myself time to be angry and hurt and whatever other feelings I have had over the years but swallowed because most of our problem solving involved what you describe above. It involved moving on with me NOT talking about it and moving on like it never happened. All that does is breed resentment and frustration.

   This stuff is so hard to deal with because none of it makes sense. It is bad enough that they picked somebody else but do they need to flaunt it and make sure that you know how much better the other person is. Geesh, even if I hated him, I don't think I could flaunt things like he does. That baffles me.

[Pretty Woman]

TN, you have to stop blaming yourself. We all make mistakes. We are human. Coupled with this being a difficult disorder to navigate, you can only do so much. You tried the best you could.

It's hard to accept your ex did not see the relationship the same way you did. Did she love you? Likely. However, she likely loved you in an unhealthy, one sided way. You were a need... .until you weren't needed anymore.

You cannot stop devaluation. I tried, several times. I walked on eggshells... .so she wouldn't leave again. And guess what?

She left... .again. I changed who I was as a person to keep someone with me. What does that say about me? Why would we want to be anything other than ourselves to satisfy someone else.

I know you are relatively new to these boards. I encourage you to read other's stories and you will see similar stories to yours.

You are definitely not alone in this.

As for your ex stating how wonderful this new person is, keep in mind, BPD love is very immature. When my ex left I asked her three days later if she was "in love". She hadn't known this person more than a few weeks (I know for certain because we met her together).

Her response was: I have never felt this way about anyone. She is the most deep, intelligent woman I have ever known. I'm over the moon.

This was the last time I ever spoke to my ex.

Anyone relatively sane would not exhault their new amore to their most recent. If someone leaves someone else they usually have some empathy.

Empathy is something a BPD lacks.

This helped me as I moved on. If my ex could treat me with such abandon she will just as easily do it to someone else. That's why we always say on here, don't envy the next. I know it hurts like he_ _ but they don't all of a sudden change with the next. Without treatment and some heavy duty therapy they will repeat their patterns... .because their patterns work for them.

[redriver]

The feelings of lose are so great, that you would do ANYTHING to stop that. I'm a year out a BPD relatioship, and I still feel half of what I was before. I see her running off looking so happy of social media, that it will make you sick. I'm not one for giving advice, but all I an say is this. We did nothing wrong, and trying be become someone new is not going to help at all. Christ I went out look up new hobbies because I thought I could impress her, got a tattoo just to look cooler. And it did nothing.

Many of us talk about how we want these people back in our lives, and we would do anything to have them. What I'm just starting to realize is we ust want not to feel so bad, and w think that they can take that pain away. Many on this site are helpful. Keep posting keep talking.

[Dutched]

TNDad

I am very sorry for your situation, please find the strength to be a stable factor for your kids. Please.

You got very good feedback from fellow members.

Maybe what I am going to write you will read with the greatest unbelief, but I sincerely hope in all your grieve that it helps.
Even a little bit to understand, and as we were/are all in this, please know it is not rubbing salt into your wounds!

She is emotional immature, a 4 yr. old. (one is running in your house, another a 7yrs. old) packed in a mature body…

=> ever seen it with your kids when you deny them a cookie just before dinner?
The reaction, how to distract hem as parent?
How they say mean words to you and later want a hug…, to be cuddled?

Like a 4yr old they discover the world. Seeking “innocent” new boundaries to cross, justified in their brain justified to you that questions it!
Now as grown up that emotional still 4 yr old, will say:
 “that’s my right to do so” “I am grown up, who are you to question that!”.
Their ‘right’ to do so… in their brain.

So I say the Border Line… is crossed, again and again, and that’s from our mature and normal point of view

They care, they feel, but her coping (attachment disorder) is that of survival, so paint you black,
 => that  4 yr old that is angry at you
Are in deep shame too (no, no guilt => a 4 yr old) and feel pain, in fact immense pain.
So in order to survive they justify (towards the closest) in their mind their actions.
Emotions are switched off in order to suppress pain, that’s when they hook a next one so soon.
Not to feel pain, to be high from ‘love’…

Towards you and specially kids?  All over the board the same.
No empathy (survival), no remorse.
We know how hard that feels, how beyond belief it is for a person.

Exw said about my son: “The future is his problem to deal with! Not mine at all!”

As Vortex wrote when it fails, the ex (former attachment) is remembered…
Then a socially correct (but for them a non emotional and non confrontational!) “ I am sorry” can be said…
Why?
The 4 yr. old hopes that the ex (stand in for parent… ) have forgotten all…, all is okay now… so that the 4 yr. old is the good boy / girl (child) again.   


Reading your earlier posts about police, etc., I advise you to be very careful to reach out, to approach her.
Don’t know your legal system, but as the kids are with you, and their “mom” just left them, maybe (temporarily) custody is possible.

[TNDad]

I saw a counselor this morning and she put things into perspective. I got counseling for the kids and I'm going to go as well. She helped me see how much of it was abuse and manipulation.

It's still hard seeing how mean she can get. How she not only left and turned the switch off but seems to want to throw some grenades in for good measure. I look back at all the lies and abuse and I don't know how truly sick she has gotten with this episode lasting over a year and counting. Her previous ones were a few months.

I know people say this guy was lied to and I know that. I guess my issue was he didn't want to hear a thing. He didn't want to hear this was a surprise to me. He didn't want to hear anything that happened. He wanted to know nothing of the past but say there and justified his and her actions by something I did 6 years ago. Which was talking to a female friend.

I know I can't let it get to me but the  kids come home upset every night. They don't like the situation and know it's wrong. She is so far gone right now it's crazy and she has nothing in her sights but this guy and damn the rest.

[TNDad]

She texts me after going out to the bars with her bf till 3AM that we need to be civil and I need to stop the lies and using the kids.

I haven't lied at all throughout this process and the kids come to me hurt because they don't want to go to her.

Is this all so she will seem civil and stable to her bf yet trying to make me yet again look like the aggressor?

[enlighten me]

She texts me after going out to the bars with her bf till 3AM that we need to be civil and I need to stop the lies and using the kids.

I haven't lied at all throughout this process and the kids come to me hurt because they don't want to go to her.

Is this all so she will seem civil and stable to her bf yet trying to make me yet again look like the aggressor?

My ex wife accuses me of the same. That I'm lying to the kids and using them. She thinks I'm doing things to get her back and to control her. The reality is all the things she has accused me of are of her own making. Apparently I only went to court to have a hold over her. The reality is she took me to court and she strung it out. Can we say projection?

I think its down to a number of things (things are hardly cut and dry with BPD behaviour).

Firstly regret. They regret the break up.
Secondly punishment. They want to hurt you as they are hurting.
Thirdly they cant face reality. Easier to project their faults onto someone else that face up to them being at fault.

There are probably more and depending on their mood will prioritise which one they are acting on.