Is the guilt trip normal?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After a lengthy relationship that was fraught with verbal, emotional, and physical abuse at the end, I'm finally out.

At first the messages that followed were cruel beyond words. Then they went to pleading. Then not so much pleading as stories of sorrow and need. I asked them to stop all communications with me, as my mental and physical health couldn't take any continued contact--I don't know if I have something like PTSD, but when I see I have message from them, I feel like I'm dying (heart and left arm pain, mental shut-down, etc). The messages haven't stopped. I've simply blocked all forms of communication, but every once in a while one slips through, and I can't help but see one or two lines flash up when it happens. The picture I'm being painted is a very sad one.

During our relationship, I somehow became parent, guardian, explainer (for why they were doing something they shouldn't be), comforter, counselor, shoulder to cry on, the money, and so forth. My mental state became one where I was solely focused on solving problem after problem, in the hope that someday sanity might return to them and our relationship. Even though I'm out of the relationship, I still feel as though I'm personally responsible for them.

They have no friends, are very distant from family, and came to see me as their only source of help. Now that I'm gone, they really are alone. The guilt is ever-present, despite what they did to me.

Is any of this normal? Anyone else suffered at the hand of an ex to the point that you flee for safety, only to find yourself looking back in pity, fighting the urge to continue the relationship, if only to get them on track? I know it would be a fool's errand, so I'm not, but the guilt, you know?

Thanks for reading.

[Kylenki]

After a lengthy relationship that was fraught with verbal, emotional, and physical abuse at the end, I'm finally out.

At first the messages that followed were cruel beyond words. Then they went to pleading. Then not so much pleading as stories of sorrow and need. I asked them to stop all communications with me, as my mental and physical health couldn't take any continued contact--I don't know if I have something like PTSD, but when I see I have message from them, I feel like I'm dying (heart and left arm pain, mental shut-down, etc). The messages haven't stopped. I've simply blocked all forms of communication, but every once in a while one slips through, and I can't help but see one or two lines flash up when it happens. The picture I'm being painted is a very sad one.

During our relationship, I somehow became parent, guardian, explainer (for why they were doing something they shouldn't be), comforter, counselor, shoulder to cry on, the money, and so forth. My mental state became one where I was solely focused on solving problem after problem, in the hope that someday sanity might return to them and our relationship. Even though I'm out of the relationship, I still feel as though I'm personally responsible for them.

They have no friends, are very distant from family, and came to see me as their only source of help. Now that I'm gone, they really are alone. The guilt is ever-present, despite what they did to me.

Is any of this normal? Anyone else suffered at the hand of an ex to the point that you flee for safety, only to find yourself looking back in pity, fighting the urge to continue the relationship, if only to get them on track? I know it would be a fool's errand, so I'm not, but the guilt, you know?

Thanks for reading.

[vortex of confusion]

Welcome to the forums!

You are not alone. There are a lot of people here that have experienced those same feelings of guilt.

I can really relate to your list which included parent, guardian, explainer,  comforter, counselor, etc. I was all of those things to ex. I did it for close to 20 years because, like you, I kept hoping that sanity would return. In the process, I feel like I lost my own sanity.

For the longest time, I felt guilty because I could no longer do those things. We have 4 kids together and mothering him and the kids was too much for me to handle. It took a while to get to a point where I no longer felt responsible for him. Some things have come up that I have had to fight really hard with myself to make sure that I didn't step in and help him.

The guilt will subside with time. Ex has been out of the house for a year now. The guilt has subsided and now I bounce back and forth between anger and acceptance. It has taken a lot of processing and thinking about things. And tons of posts here.

How long was the relationship and how long have you been out of it?

Check out some of the lessons to the right about the five stages of detachment. There is some really helpful stuff there.

[Kylenki]

Welcome to the forums!

You are not alone. There are a lot of people here that have experienced those same feelings of guilt.

I can really relate to your list which included parent, guardian, explainer,  comforter, counselor, etc. I was all of those things to ex. I did it for close to 20 years because, like you, I kept hoping that sanity would return. In the process, I feel like I lost my own sanity.

For the longest time, I felt guilty because I could no longer do those things. We have 4 kids together and mothering him and the kids was too much for me to handle. It took a while to get to a point where I no longer felt responsible for him. Some things have come up that I have had to fight really hard with myself to make sure that I didn't step in and help him.

The guilt will subside with time. Ex has been out of the house for a year now. The guilt has subsided and now I bounce back and forth between anger and acceptance. It has taken a lot of processing and thinking about things. And tons of posts here.

How long was the relationship and how long have you been out of it?

Check out some of the lessons to the right about the five stages of detachment. There is some really helpful stuff there.

I've been out for five days. Lasted almost five years, on and off.

I'll check out those links!