I don't know where to turn...

[Steinhart]

Hi everyone and apologies in advance if I rant, I've been with my partner for nearly 4 years, in the beginning as normal everything was fine, in 2013 I suffered a breakdown both physical and mental after the break up of my marriage and over time struggled with alcoholism I got in to treatment which is where we met and over time we had a loving relationship and I thought life was once again great.

I knew about her BPD diagnosis but it never really showed whilst she was attending AA and living the principles of the program.

She then by a miracle fell pregnant and this is when all our troubles started, she had to come off her medication (antidepressants ) and things were going from bad to worse. She wouldn't go out the house, doesn't speak to her friends, and I suppose this is where I noticed her self centred, self seeking behavior kicked in. During the pregnancy I was worried everyday what I was going to come home too. We had the MH team involved but as usual they werent very helpful.

Our son is now a year old and he is gorgeous we both love him to bits but our relationship hasn't been the same since.

She is always concerned about how she looks, her weight even though she looks amazing but she doesn't see it, she is complete unhappy with everything in her life and always wants to be somewhere else. Everyday I get let's move here let's move there, let's sell up and go travelling, let's travel around Europe for a year.

I'm 45 now I have 2 kids from my previous relationship 16 and 13 I cannot and wouldn't leave them we are close despite the problems I've had.I'm concerned she may just up and move and I wouldn't see my son she is always going on about Australia and new Zealand wanting to live there.

Her family have been supportive but I'm now getting to the point I cannot deal with the varying degrees of emotional rages and the fact nothing is as she wants and nothing is done her way, it's impossible to even try to meet her expectations.

I love her to bits but she is pulling us apart a day at a time, I have said to her if she is really unhappy then leave and do what you need to do, I would be upset but I cannot stand the irrational thinking day in day out.

I also worry about our son despite the fact she is a great mother, pulling him to live in a van and going travelling living in a garage or whatever she wants to do isn't going to help him long term.

How do I approach this and deal with it to ensure the best for my son.

I'm tired actually exhausted, I've had health issues and tbh I love travelling but I'm looking for comfort not chaos again in my life.

She seems to continually want to be somewhere else but I'm completely aware her head will be going with her ! We now have all the family and support locally but again she cannot maintain friendships for any leg th of time and it's always my fault we never do anything.

I'm trying to get myself well and I know from experience the first 2 years are difficult with a child but the relationship is none existent we sleep next to each other communication has been poor partly my fault because when I do tell her things she swears blind I never told her so I've just been looking after myself and my son.

She has been diagnosed for over 20 years she didn't believe she had this condition and always starts treatment but never sticks with it. She then gets better for a while and feels she no longer needs the support. Needless to say life goes crazy again the rage anger and other symptoms come out.

I am always accused of being with someone else but I'm not and always feel like I can't tell her what I'm truly feeling because she will explode again.

I've read stop walking on egg shells, I've been to mind and purchased her some books on dbt and Buddha and borderline in the hope she would get identification.  She did but refuses to do anything saying I've got the problem.

I continue to go to AA and nothing has changed my side, so I have explained the things that have changed and made suggestions  !

Rant over for now  I'm in love with the person she was and now I live in hope this person returns but I can't see anything changing.

What's the best thing I can do? I've accepted this is how it is for now but feel like she's dragging me down with her any help gratefully received thanks in advance.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

This all sounds like typical BPD stuff.

Depression is a big killer in any relationship. My wife has it, and big emotional events like having a baby certainly make it much worse. Is it possible your wife has post-natal depression as well? That can still be there after a year. Is she back on her anti-depressents?

Her wanting to move, go on holiday etc is a typical BPD way to deal with being unhappy. She feels unhappy, but rather than look inside herself to fine the cause, she thinks that by changing her environment it'll help. It doesn't. Moving, holidays, shopping, drinking, sex etc don't make any difference. As hard as it is, resist.

Unfortunately, if she has BPD, then SHE needs to make the choice to get better. SHE needs to make the choice to attend AA, take anti-depressents, go to DBT. It is great is you can help her, but forcing her also doesn't work.

Do you know about Validation? It can help reduce the rages, or at least help YOU cope with the rages... .

[Steinhart]

Thanks for the response I've been doing so much research going to specific support groups and training to learn more about this condition and how to cope with the behaviors.

I need help on how to respond, I know I cannot make her do anything I've tried making these arrangements and for her to refuse to go so I realise she has to get to a point where it is painful and she seeks help, it's madness but its horrible seeing her in this pain and taking it out on us.

I suppose it's no different to an alcoholic who will only stop when he is ready, I have also been doing research in to dual diagnosis there seems to be massive evidence that the range is that those suffering with pd between 40-80 % also suffer with addiction issues. The UK government national stats stated it was18% a huge difference but those of us who live with it will know thats the reality of what we deal with.

What's that thing you were talking about validation I've not heard of that ?

It seems like I've found the right place to be but and I'm hopeful I will learn new skills to deal with her and understand why she says the things that are so hurtful. Tbh is like she is pushing me away.

[ArleighBurke]

Click the tab on the right -> Tool 2: Validation.

It's a conversational technique designed to try to force YOU to listen to what she is REALLY saying (by ignoring her words and trying to understand her FEELINGS). It works!

[Steinhart]

Thanks I'll start reading it's been a difficult week:

We have had moving to remote areas of the U.K., buying a caravan, buying a camper van, buying a summer house,leave everything sell up and go travelling around Europe again !

It's very hard not to get emotionally drawn in and tonight I had the "wee need to talk" look ?

I know what that means I want to go off and go travelling with our son and we obviously don't want the same things , why stay here.

It feels like I'm dealing with a child most of the time who is afraid of commitment and adult responsibilities ! She is a great mother but is getting frustrated now our son is now becoming more indipendant and wants to do things with his brothers and doesn't want to be held and cuddled, I knew this would happen which I suspect is why she wants to go off travelling to be with our son 1-2-1 to make him depend on her and to make herself feel bettter !

The crazy thing is she will miss him growing up because she is too concerned about her selfish needs ! He will always be there in fact more so if she is more supportive to encourage him to do things and the rewards of there independence means she can get on and do things again !

Although she isolates a great deal has lost contact with friends and now seems to get angry because I don't want to go away or do what she wants !

I feel like I was strong but slowly she is pushing me further and further away trying to make me angry or react to her crazy ideas and thoughts !

She needs help but I know there is nothing I can do just sit and watch until it gets to painful before then she might do something about it !

I'm signing off now will be in touch again in the week I have spoken to her family in the hope they can chat to her as she listens to them I'm just the evil man who always says no to everything  

[Steinhart]

Today I took a different approach and talked about the truths about how no material object will ever make you truly happy and that has to come from within.

She understands this but accepting this is a different thing altogether, she ran away back to bed but it stopped the madness. I managed to stay calm and say until you find happiness where we are in the place you dislike so much moving is never an option !

Once you have found that peace again from within then Maybe we can consider cganfe. I also explained I understand you frightened and scared but moving isn't going to solve these problems you need to look within first.

I'll keep working at it ! But feel stronger today for saying this !