is this really possible... does she really have a Borderline Personality?

[bpdlovesurvivor]

Hello to everyone!   

As I type this I am sitting alone... .cast out again! I have been involved with a lady for exactly 3 years. She has lived on one side of a duplex and I moved into the other side 3 months after we started dating. We were engaged 7 months after we met. We were supposed to be getting married soon after the engagement and moving in together. However things haven't happened as planned.
It has been 2 weeks since I have last spoken to my fiance. Is she my ex-fiance... .I don't know? What I do know is that I am truly confused and twisted around... .again!
I am questioning whether or not she has a borderline personality. I am fairly certain her mother is a borderline and the rest of her family agrees.
There are a few things that makes me think she's BPD besides having a BPD mother. 1)She NEVER admits fault or wrong doing in an argument/discussion/disagreement. 2)She will NOT take responsibility for any of her actions during an argument etc. She will turn the whole disagreement around to be my fault/guilt and I find myself apologizing and feeling awful. Then I'm wondering... ."what just happened here?" Afterwards I feel bad about myself and think I and feel that I'm a real d**k! Hours later... .I'm thinking wait... .was my point wrong or did we mutually settle this disagreement and then I'm back to my original stance in the disagreement. I hate to look at disagreements as right and wrong. It seems that issues should be resolved and agreed a upon mutually. 3)It seems like she has to "win" an argument. It seems that if she takes responsibility for her actions or admits wrong doing that she's afraid I will "have something on or over her." Getting an apology from her is like getting blood from a turnip.
 Our most recent disagreement was over the condescending tone she used when I couldn't remember what the schedule was for the day (never mind the fact that I was very sick the day before when she said we discussed a schedule). She spoke to me in a horrible tone. I didn't say anything at first but she did it again a few minutes later and I got angry. I admit I yelled and raised my voice and told her she was acting like a "you know what." But she constantly uses tones of this nature and that day her tone caught me off guard and I fought back. Since then I have spoken to her via text and took responsibility for my actions and apologized. She asked me if she was deserving of such a reaction (especially being that she might be pregnant with our child) and I told her no. When I asked her if I deserved  to be spoken to in such a tone she quickly denied using a condescending tone and said it was a confused tone because she didn't understand why I couldn't remember the day's schedule. Since I apologized etc she's ignored me. It's what I expected her to do.
4)Also through out the r/s I have felt that she keeps me off balance emotionally. I have caught myself saying to myself... ."okay she did this for me so she does love me." 5)There is an emptiness about her and I sense it and I can feel it and it leaves me with the same feeling sometimes.
6)In the beginning she pursued me pretty hard. I didn't have to wait for the first kiss... .kissed me first. We lived an hour and a half apart and she was adamant about me moving closer and I met her son after the first couple of dates. I had expressed concern for him and that we should give ourselves a 2 or 3 months to see if the r/s was going to work out. 7)Once I moved in next door her whole persona changed. I noticed how she became angry very quickly and she was quick to snap.
All of this is hard to express in writing and I hope it all makes sense.
We have had other disagreements over things like her 10 almost 11 year old son sleeping in the bed with her. That was a mess. She never apologized or took responsibility for her actions in that 2 to 3 week disagreement in which I found myself staying with my mother.
8)Most of our major disagreements have ended up with me leaving. After days of no contact she would then text me and confuse and twist me around and play on my heart until I apologized (no apologies from her). She would text about our miscarried child and how much love there is between us etc. Then we would go through me seeming pleading with her that I am truly sorry and I won't "offend" again. Then after some time I could go back. Even though I lived separate (next door) from her she would put the silent "smack down" on me and make me "pay". The s**t hurts! And... .I'm left thinking "what just happened?"
In being fair to her she is dealing with PTSD and her father is an ex-special forces military guy that had some pretty intense missions. I know very little about him and I have never met him.
Comments analysis etc from members and the experts that monitor this site are welcomed! I'm trying to figure if it is possible that she has one of the forms of Borderline Personality. I've read some and found the "mother hermit... .or hermit mother" type. I believe she could be this type. I am not an expert but I know what I have experienced.

Please help!

BPDlovesurvivor
 

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey BPDlovesurvivor: 
Sorry about the situation with your partner.  I hear how frustrating it has been for you. Is she actually pregnant or did she miscarry?

Did she receive a formal diagnosis for PTSD?  Is she in therapy for it?  People with BPD or strong BPD traits can get various diagnoses, depending on who they see and what they share (and what they withhold). It really doesn't matter if she has a formal BPD diagnosis.  What matters is learning to use certain strategies to deal with the behaviors.

BPD tends to get passed on to someone in the family. It can be genetic, environmental or a combo.

She is who she is. You don't have the power to change her.  The only thing you have power over is yourself and how you interact with her and react to her.  If she doesn't admit to her problems, have a desire to change and get therapy, thing will likely remain as they are now (& maybe get worse).

We have had other disagreements over things like her 10 almost 11 year old son sleeping in the bed with her.

That situation can fall into the label of emotional incest.

There is a lot of helpful information in the right-hand margin.  Certain communication strategies can be helpful and some people find that they can make a difference A good place to start is with the "Basic Tools". Setting boundaries and not invalidating are good lessons to start with.

You might consider getting some therapy for yourself. It's good to review your options with a therapist.  You need to accept the reality of how life will be if you marry her and have children.