Being patient and compassionate with my father

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

I'm here to see if anyone has advice for how to maintain my forgiving, compassionate, and patient relationship with my father, while also maintaining healthy boundaries for myself. My father is undiagnosed (because he believes there's nothing to diagnose and won't consider going to a psychologist for extra support), but I'm beginning to see how he he's always had many characteristics of a person with BPD. He also has dementia and many health issues. As a college student, my primary contact with him is over the phone on a weekly call. This  usually consists of me just listening to him compassionately, and sometimes he asks about me. I think I do well doing my best to understand how difficult it must be for him, and feel grateful that I'm not experiencing his suffering, however it's sometimes a bit challenging (like tonight) to stay positive and grounded and strong internally.

In short, I'm wondering if anyone has insight to what has helped them stay peaceful, forgiving, and healthy internally through these relationships?

Thanks so much!

[peaceful_pea]

Hi everyone,

I'm here to see if anyone has advice for how to maintain my forgiving, compassionate, and patient relationship with my father, while also maintaining healthy boundaries for myself. My father is undiagnosed (because he believes there's nothing to diagnose and won't consider going to a psychologist for extra support), but I'm beginning to see how he he's always had many characteristics of a person with BPD. He also has dementia and many health issues. As a college student, my primary contact with him is over the phone on a weekly call. This  usually consists of me just listening to him compassionately, and sometimes he asks about me. I think I do well doing my best to understand how difficult it must be for him, and feel grateful that I'm not experiencing his suffering, however it's sometimes a bit challenging (like tonight) to stay positive and grounded and strong internally.

In short, I'm wondering if anyone has insight to what has helped them stay peaceful, forgiving, and healthy internally through these relationships?

Thanks so much!

[Harri]

Hi peaceful_pea and welcome.

What a challenging situation with your father.  Dementia just complicates an already complicated situation.

As for suggestions, all I can recommend is that you re-schedule your weekly call to later/earlier in the day or even the next day if you are feeling tired or out of sorts.  I am not making that recommendation based on my experience but rather from a place of what I wish I had done in having certain conversations with my uBPD mother (now deceased). 

It is hard to remain patient and compassionate.  With my mother I had to be very firm and direct but I still wish I had been more aware of my own state of mind when conversing with her.

Glad you found us.  I am sure others will pop in with more/better advice on being Zen while conversing with a pwBPD (person with BPD).

Good luck to you.  Stick around... .there is lots of support and wisdom here.

[Romania]

Not only is earlier in the day good advice, I feel like it goes double for your father.  I had a friend who explained to me what sun-downing was and how common it was with people with dementia.
I have noticed that specifically with my sister (diagnosed BPD) her cycles do seem to resonate to certain cycles with the sun and esp. the moon; but there are so many different factors involved it can be hard to say what is just her and what is going to be BPD-specific.

I would guess we all have some kind of circadian rhythm going on and just tuning in to them could help.