Furious after being lied too

[Ironcalves]

Hi

Looking for somewhere to vent really.

My most recent ex has some BPD traits, not as long term destructive and crazy as my ex prior to that (whom I joined the forum for) but she still has massive issues and can not tell the truth or be alone!

I'm not upset the relationship ended - I was quite cool with it (ended two months ago) until I found out she had bare faced lied to me about cheating.

The relationship was crap, I didn't love her and always knew she was a mess that I'd never marry or stay with, however I was still 'paying' for her, paying her rent, digging her out of holes when she screwed up job after job, she was very very comfortable having me pay for everything - very entitled.

We weren't happy and her our, I now learn, was to go running back to an ex who she is now living off whilst owing me money and taking items from me. What annoys me is I asked her to leave over and over for months - she could have gone at any time, but instead she lines someone else up to make a financially smooth transition for herself! Her parents are well off - but she chose time and again to make random short term partners pay for her living!

I'm angry as hell at myself, I could never get her to move out! She would pack her bags and threaten and then when I would let her go she'd just come back saying she had nowhere to go! I'm so angry that I chose yet another loser - that I keep going for women with huge problems - I choose to put myself in a power position over them (more money/respect/ etc) and then inevitably I get pissed off at the imbalance - they don't do anything about the imbalance - like get a decent job or take money from their family instead of me - I'm angry and want them out.

This is my mistake and I make it again and again. One crazy BPD ex, think over learnt my lesson in a year and then make the same damn mistake again - at least this time I wasn't in love. I can't find a woman I think is good enough for me - on my level with both intellect and finance. Problem is, even if I could - I'd be too much of a mess for Them.

Holding out until someone of a higher standard comes along - improve self in the mean time!

Rant over!

[Claycrusher]

I caught my BPD ex-wife in the act of committing adultery on 12/21/15.

I filed our amicable / uncontested divorce petition on November 28, 2016.  I promised that I would postpone divorce until she obtained her college degree and landed a career-track position she could support herself with.  I upheld that promise.

Our Final Decree of Dissolution was issued on February 28, 2017.

Within this timeframe, I originally thought that all of the truth I would ever know would be represented by a group of facts labeled "A"

But I was wrong.  New facts came to light and those got lumped in with those already in group A to form a new group labeled B.

I once thought all the facts I would ever know were contained in group B, but I was wrong again.  As new facts came to light, they were added to those in group B to form group C.  And with that group formed as the time for issuance of the Final Decree of Dissolution drew near, I figured I then knew as much of the truth as I ever would, but I was wrong again.  Now, were up to the next group, labeled ":)".

Since my divorce became final on my birthday, I have learned even more of the truth.  I knew my BPD ex-wife was a pathological liar but the depths of her deceit and manipulation are genuinely staggering.  It's not anger I feel, though, as much as amazement.  My past life with her has all of the trappings of a really good suspense thriller novel.  One of the most amazing things to me, though, is how the truth has bubbled up to the surface and how it appears that her level of deceit and manipulation were ultimately insufficient to prevent this from happening. 

I genuinely do not get angry over knowing the truth now and didn't as the truth became revealed.  Beyond amazement at the true depth of her deceit, I feel a great sense of relief and thankfulness that I didn't remain married to her a nanosecond longer than I did.  For me, having her lies continuously exposed post-separation only re-affirmed that "saying good bye to crazy" and moving on with my life apart from her was really the best-practice decision to make, and one I could make with no shame, guilt, or regret. 

She had a delusion of grandeur from the beginning of our association that presently reality doesn't quite match, which is a good thing, because if reality did match her delusion, I would be a ruined man, emotionally and financially.  That reality ultimately didn't jive with her formerly held delusion is due, in large measure, to the truth coming out whether she wanted it to, or not.  Each new discovery of her deceit just served to validate that a life without her in it would be superior in every way to remaining hitched to her downward-spiraling wagon.

[UnforgivenII]

Lies, lies and more lies.
I had them in front of me. And every day I discover new ones.

[Sadly]

Great stuff Claycrusher, that must have been the best birthday present ever 

Unforgiven
As hard as it is to discover the lies the easier it eventually makes it to let him go. 

Love from
Sadly x

[FSTL]

You've come to the right place to rant!

My BPDx and my exW (who cheated on me) both had the annoying trait of refusing to confess, even when caught, and made me basically put everything I knew to them. It showed a total lack of empathy and remorse on their part and just temporarily saved them the shame whilst prolonging my agony.

I guess the shame of admitting they did something is too much to take, so they hide everything until you find it.

[Ironcalves]

Bunch of weirdos!

Back in my teens and twenties I had lied to cover infidelities but a point comes where your own self worth and just respect for yourself is greater.

Imagine being so weak in power you have to lie to people! Imagine lacking so much integrity that you'd trade the truth for a tumble!

It sounds almost arrogant if you haven't reached that point but for me, lying is basically saying I am not brave enough or my wants and desires right enough for me to stand in my truth - to live any other way is to live like a mouse.

I was annoyed two days ago, however I since decided to put my mind to not concerning myself with it or any thought of her. No time for that.

[Duped 1]

Well stated Ironcalves!

[earlyL]

As hard as it is to discover the lies the easier it eventually makes it to let him go. 

So true - although the lies are so painful, they are teaching me to be able to walk away.

I had them in front of me. And every day I discover new ones.

I have exactly the same, sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by the lies, I just don't know how much more I can take. The waves of sickness now outweigh the waves of grief.

I guess the shame of admitting they did something is too much to take, so they hide everything until you find it.

I think this is spot on. I packed up my exBPD belongings in my flat tonight and sent them down to her in a van (which I had to book), she moved out 2 and a half months ago and she even pretended to have a different address to where the lover is. I find it so insulting that they think I don't know they are together. But I am sure it is the shame that stops her from saying anything.