Introduction-- Mom with BPD

[Drained2017]

Similar to other posters on here, I strongly believe that my mother has BPD. She had a huge blow up at Christmas and we have been in NC since. After the Christmas incident, I had a sudden thought that my mom might be a narcissist and started reading about it. I decided to get into therapy to try to heal and understand how to move forward. My therapist was the one who hinted at her actually having BPD. Since then I have spent hours and hours reading about it. I feel like I am reading stories from my own life. It is liberating, but also emotionally exhausting.  

I am struggling with how to move forward. She has always done typical BPD things to me, but since I got married two years ago, it has been magnified by 100. The thought of dealing with her behavior for the rest of my life physically makes me sick and I feel very strongly that I need to protect my marriage from her toxicity. At the same time, if I stay NC, I will most likely never see (or barely see) my Dad (enabler), and the rest of my immediate family. My aunts, uncles, and cousins all live in the same town as my mother. So the only time I get to see them is when I come home for family parties or other big occasions. I do see my sisters and their families more often, but I am terrified of losing them if I continue NC with my mom.

I am honestly so lost as to what to do. I feel intense anger at my mom right now. She has ruined so many relationships in my life (example- my dad, self, and siblings are not allowed to talk to my dad's side of the family because of a blow-up she had with them. When I didn't immediately block them all on Facebook I was called a traitor). I don't think I can deal with losing more family because of her, but I also don't think I can emotionally handle her for the rest of my life. I should also mention that one of my siblings is also NC with her right now too, so I do have her.  

Sorry for the rambling. Sometimes you just need to get it out.

[lindsayloo]

Hi Drained,

Reading your post is like reading my own words. Things have been rocky with my mother my whole life, not realizing I was being manipulated in so many ways until adulthood. Similar to you, her behaviors escalated severely during the year prior to my marriage and have continued since, often attacking my husband. I am now wondering about this pattern and the potential fear of abandonment that may have led to this increased hostility.

[Drained2017]

Hi LindsayLoo,

Thanks for responding. I read your introductory post and can definitely relate. I agree. The fear of abandonment from getting married is the only thing I can think of as to why her hostile behavior has increased over the last few years. Like your post, I am also pretty certain it runs in her family (my grandma).

As a mental health professional, did you tell your mom that you suspect she has BPD or did you just more generally suggested she gets therapy? Sorry I'm responding to your intro post here!

[Nola0841]

This sounds like my life too, but once I had kids it magnified 1000X. She's afraid I will take them away and she will never see them. It was hard, but I went on a 6 week break from her and I was so happy but sad at the same time. I ended up making up with her because it was the holidays and I would have felt so guilty if she didn't see her grandkids during that time. It 's not an easy decision to decide to cut her out, but if it's affecting your marriage, it's only going to get worse. I'm here if you need to talk.

[Laharkisawari]

Hello!

Reading this is like listening to my own story as well. I have recently been to a 2 different therapists and both have also hinted at my mother having BPD. I have found it exhausting doing research and finding that I am pretty much reading my life story.

Thank you for sharing. It is nice to know that there are other people out their to relate to. Hope you are doing a little better and doing what is best for you

[inge]

I'm sorry to hear you have such a hard time with your mom - I can totally relate. It can be horrendous. I haven't spoken to my mom for a year, and have seen other family members only a couple of times during that period. Yes it is very hard being isolated from other close family members - I don't know about you, but I also feel very angry at them lately for continuing to enable her. If more of us (family members) stood together, maybe she'd have an incentive to take a look at her own behaviour... .