STBD-BPD (undiagnosed) divorce petition reaction..

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My soon to be divorce wife was served a petition last week that she has to appear in court this week for divorce /custody. This ruthless BPD woman has destroyed my life , made me homeless. She had two false Dom-violence cases against me,10s of thousand of dollars wasted on attorney fees, bails. She sold my business equipment while I was In jail for 3days, sold 10k worth of gold jewelry at a pawn shop.

She Had an exit  affair which I'm  sure was ongoing, waiting In the wings. She moved few hours away, went on a permanent silent treatment. she Moved in with completely stranger boyfriend/replacement  in 3weeks being pregnant with my 4th child (so unfair to the child). They both have no morals. My other 3kids are too young to understand what's going on. Children look unhappy in pics she rarely posts... Anyway she has been with him for last 6months rubbing her affair in my face  online, posting herself In love posing for pics kissing this hideous looking  loser with my kids sitting on his lap (painful). He has no kids himself and has no remorse for his affair. Im sure he's just using her for sex and she thinks he loves her. She has it backwards. Sex doesn't mean love, being in love you have sex. Anyway the replacement thinks  he saved some DM victim and consider himself a hero, or maybe he is using that  as justification for his affair. Maybe he a PD himself. She is a danger to herself n my kids, god forbid they can get raped, molested cause leaves them with strangers to babysit. I never seen a woman in my life so careless/reckless with her own kids, shame on her ... I loved her a lot and still do alot, it's so hard to believe she can stoop this low.

Funny thing is a month ago, she was celebrating a divorce online by drinking with replacement. The irony is she never filed for divorce  maybe somewhere in her head it happened already ... maybe she was trying to convince the replacement she was done with me cause he was trying so hard to get me out of the picture. My family tried so hard to save the marriage, they reached out, her family try to talk her out the affair for sake of kids , her friends tried, everyone except her BPD mom who is a wackjob herself. My wife lost all major personal relationships over this affair (the ultimate abandonment). I made sure all her family knew, i wasn't gona let get off the hook that easy

So after 6months of torture n kids alienation. I decided to to proceed with divorce. What was weird was her online behavior to the replacement, for last six months she told him online., She never loved me, and I used her as sex slave  and was abusive. This dummy really believe these 4kids came out of nowhere ... I was lucky enough to record her false accusations, so that will coming in court. A month before the dump, she seemed very confused and was devaluing me. One day she would text she isnt happy and few days later it would be what a great husband I am   

Anyway reason for my post is her reaction ... sofar she been very ruthless online by stuff which seemed to be aimed at me (smear campaign). She has weird social media activity , bridal wear, liked kids stuff , funny quotes, and followed some skanky looking women. Yes I check her page, I know it's torture but this is someone I loved dearly for 7years and she dropped me like trash for some guy she hardly even knows. It was/is very sad and confusing.

Anyway, she's served. And I see her soon within a week in court ... .Her social media activity now shows status "feeling drained, feeling concerned" ... what do you guys make out of that ... I know people BPD are very selfish, at lease she is. She's 25btw. I doubt she is worried about the divorce cause obviously this is the life she wanted. Or maybe it was an impulsive decision to get a rebound, she probably thought I'd leave after the arrest. by posting that status update, she's probably more worrying about the outcome of custody I'm speculating ... Or could it be shes worried now about the ultimate cutoff from me(abandonement). It can't be me cause she been ruthlessly showing off  her affair online now, she has to  know  divorce was going to come . Maybe she thought I woudnt file divorce cause she knows she left with my heart as  trophy. Also she don't love those kids, all they are is meal ticket and a way to torture me. Maybe she's worried about her financial security which is depending on govt benefits using kids as pawns. We need a better justice system and school people one personality disorders.

I wish she cared about this marriage and not Rob these children of a normal childhood. Such selfish person. Plus she had to have an exit affair to shatter my heart In million pieces. took me 6months to start to grasp on reality ... never thought someone you once loved so dearly can stoop that low. All I can say , it hurts a lot but I have become a stronger person out of this experience and matured almost two decades mentally... not to mention my beard turning White from this  but this is this is the cards I was given

[icesoul]

My soon to be divorce wife was served a petition last week that she has to appear in court this week for divorce /custody. This ruthless BPD woman has destroyed my life , made me homeless. She had two false Dom-violence cases against me,10s of thousand of dollars wasted on attorney fees, bails. She sold my business equipment while I was In jail for 3days, sold 10k worth of gold jewelry at a pawn shop.

She Had an exit  affair which I'm  sure was ongoing, waiting In the wings. She moved few hours away, went on a permanent silent treatment. she Moved in with completely stranger boyfriend/replacement  in 3weeks being pregnant with my 4th child (so unfair to the child). They both have no morals. My other 3kids are too young to understand what's going on. Children look unhappy in pics she rarely posts... Anyway she has been with him for last 6months rubbing her affair in my face  online, posting herself In love posing for pics kissing this hideous looking  loser with my kids sitting on his lap (painful). He has no kids himself and has no remorse for his affair. Im sure he's just using her for sex and she thinks he loves her. She has it backwards. Sex doesn't mean love, being in love you have sex. Anyway the replacement thinks  he saved some DM victim and consider himself a hero, or maybe he is using that  as justification for his affair. Maybe he a PD himself. She is a danger to herself n my kids, god forbid they can get raped, molested cause leaves them with strangers to babysit. I never seen a woman in my life so careless/reckless with her own kids, shame on her ... I loved her a lot and still do alot, it's so hard to believe she can stoop this low.

Funny thing is a month ago, she was celebrating a divorce online by drinking with replacement. The irony is she never filed for divorce  maybe somewhere in her head it happened already ... maybe she was trying to convince the replacement she was done with me cause he was trying so hard to get me out of the picture. My family tried so hard to save the marriage, they reached out, her family try to talk her out the affair for sake of kids , her friends tried, everyone except her BPD mom who is a wackjob herself. My wife lost all major personal relationships over this affair (the ultimate abandonment). I made sure all her family knew, i wasn't gona let get off the hook that easy

So after 6months of torture n kids alienation. I decided to to proceed with divorce. What was weird was her online behavior to the replacement, for last six months she told him online., She never loved me, and I used her as sex slave  and was abusive. This dummy really believe these 4kids came out of nowhere ... I was lucky enough to record her false accusations, so that will coming in court. A month before the dump, she seemed very confused and was devaluing me. One day she would text she isnt happy and few days later it would be what a great husband I am   

Anyway reason for my post is her reaction ... sofar she been very ruthless online by stuff which seemed to be aimed at me (smear campaign). She has weird social media activity , bridal wear, liked kids stuff , funny quotes, and followed some skanky looking women. Yes I check her page, I know it's torture but this is someone I loved dearly for 7years and she dropped me like trash for some guy she hardly even knows. It was/is very sad and confusing.

Anyway, she's served. And I see her soon within a week in court ... .Her social media activity now shows status "feeling drained, feeling concerned" ... what do you guys make out of that ... I know people BPD are very selfish, at lease she is. She's 25btw. I doubt she is worried about the divorce cause obviously this is the life she wanted. Or maybe it was an impulsive decision to get a rebound, she probably thought I'd leave after the arrest. by posting that status update, she's probably more worrying about the outcome of custody I'm speculating ... Or could it be shes worried now about the ultimate cutoff from me(abandonement). It can't be me cause she been ruthlessly showing off  her affair online now, she has to  know  divorce was going to come . Maybe she thought I woudnt file divorce cause she knows she left with my heart as  trophy. Also she don't love those kids, all they are is meal ticket and a way to torture me. Maybe she's worried about her financial security which is depending on govt benefits using kids as pawns. We need a better justice system and school people one personality disorders.

I wish she cared about this marriage and not Rob these children of a normal childhood. Such selfish person. Plus she had to have an exit affair to shatter my heart In million pieces. took me 6months to start to grasp on reality ... never thought someone you once loved so dearly can stoop that low. All I can say , it hurts a lot but I have become a stronger person out of this experience and matured almost two decades mentally... not to mention my beard turning White from this  but this is this is the cards I was given

[vortex of confusion]

Her social media activity now shows status "feeling drained, feeling concerned" ... what do you guys make out of that ...

Why are you trying to interpret her posts?

What are you getting out of looking at her stuff and trying to make sense of her posts?

I know the temptation to look at their stuff. Instead of focusing on what she is or isn't posting, it might be more helpful to focus on yourself and why you are doing it. I am speaking from a place where I finally blocked ex on all social media because I found it too painful to look at his stuff. Like you, I would see his posts and try to figure out what he meant or what he was doing. It was torture. I was getting nothing out of it but anger and pain. It was hurtful for me to see him moving on with his life like nothing had happened.

We have 4 kids together. If he wants information about the kids, he can contact me directly. I will not use social media as a way to share anything with him. Everything goes through different channels than social media so there is no reason to maintain a connection with ex on social media. I am telling you this because I know the inclination to say, "We need to be connected on social media because of the kids." I figured out rather quickly that I don't need any of it. The fewer connections we have, the better.

[icesoul]

Why are you trying to interpret her posts?

What are you getting out of looking at her stuff and trying to make sense of her posts?

I honestly don't know why but I do check alot. The whole thing hurt me beyond anything I have ever experienced in my life and makes me want to learn more about BPD so I'm better equipped to deal with her strange behaviors and I also like to know for my own sake. I guess I'm curious to know the psychology behind  the bad  behavior

But to answer your our question. I believe I'm severely tramatized/ damaged from this gross betrayal. Its like losing a limb/best friend that you thought would be there forever, or grow old together with. though I now accepted reality after 6months,

She left me without giving me any closure. Initially I was In denial that she would return. I'm not completely by over her and, possibly never will be. It's a coward act from her that left me devastated, I have nightmares ... you gota realize we have 4kids, this was my wife/best friend, we were together 247 for last 7years and had a great time in the first 6years besides few typical BPD push/pull. But my boundaries helped her initially change some of her behavior.

I guess i regret the fact I couldn't get her help in time. I have some obsessive fixer type mentality. I don't look at it as a negative. I hate to take losses, she was a huge part of my life. Her behavior is so puzzling, so I always wonder "why" is she doing this or that.  she did a 360 personality shift, so it feels like I didn't even know her, I thought I did.q I like to learn more about the illness and some people here are very helpful in breaking down the pattern to explain some of the madness. I guess it's not healthiest way to cope for me.

You are a very strong person that you blocked your ex, I should be doing the same but I'm not that strong yet, hopefully in time, it's been only 6months. I had panic attacks when I first used to see her pictures. I don't know why I was torturing myself. I was always reflecting on what i could have done differently in marriage that led her to the affair, almost blaming myself sometimes if i could of done more as a husband., I made lots of mistakes too and I always wonder if I hadn't threatened her with divorce, be maybe things wouldn't have ended this way. She sent me to jail first time cause I told her, I'm leaving marriage cause I was upset cause she was arguing nonstop be over nothing, I wonder if that's the reason she start looking to replace me cause she felt like I didn't care. I felt like due to our mistakes, and selfishness, our children are not going to have a normal childhood, she robbed them of that , I never wanted to give them a broken home. It's so easy for home wreckers to come in your life and steal it all without thinking of the consequences for their families.

The part I don't get that she erased me out of her memory and the history like I never existed like yourself. I just don't understand why some stranger is getting the best husband treatment and me like trash when I am the father to her children... I just like to know for myself why do BPD do these things and wondered if she is more than a BPD, some of it is very psycotic. There were always red flags in our marriage but I didn't know she was going to go this far.  I find myself wondering, does she even know the pain she put me through or did she even love me. Cause no love one would treat you like that and become an enemy (splitting black) she see me as all bad, maybe it's a justification or license/entitlement to cheat. I also check to see if she is truly happy from the choice she made? To see if this guy can treat her better than me? I guess it's not my place to judge anymore.

Do you have full custody? Isn't it hard to see him/her when you exchange kids. I hate the thought of seeing her in court with another man but I can't show her I'm hurting inside. I don't want to give her the satisfaction

[vortex of confusion]

 

I understand what it is like to have 4 kids together. Ex and I have 4 kids together. We were together almost 20 years. At the 15 year mark, he told me that he was bisexual and that we should see other people. Ex and I were very much best friends. We went to grad school together. We were in the same professional field. We were in a band together. Our lives were very much shared. We were totally enmeshed with each other. We were connected at the hip for a whole lot of years.

You couldn't have found her help. It is not your job to fix her. Just like it is not my job to fix my ex. It doesn't matter how much you know about the illness. That isn't going to change the fact that you are in extreme pain right now. Understanding the madness is great. I found that understanding it didn't impact my pain one little bit. It explained why some of the stuff happened but it didn't change it. It hurt to have the man I married and have children with do the things that my ex did.

Right now, I do have the kids full time on my own. I haven't filed for divorce yet and there are no custody orders. I feel like the only way to get full custody is to divulge a lot of the stuff that has gone on behind closed doors. I don't want my kids to ever find out any of the super personal stuff that has happened between ex and I. I am afraid that I would have to air all of our dirty laundry to get what I want from the courts. Ex isn't fighting me on anything right now so I am not pushing it. I let him come over and see the kids periodically. I try to make myself scarce.

It is very difficult to see him. There have been times that I have had stomach attacks and have had to go to the bathroom and throw up. I get very anxious and nervous around him. I feel like putting up with him is part of living my values with regards to making sure that my kids have access to both parents. 

I recall telling my best friend some of the same things that you are saying about wanting to know about the other guy and stuff like that. I went so far as to contact one of the ladies that ex was chasing. He told me how much he loved her and how she floated his boat and inspired him and blah, blah, blah. I contacted her and told her everything. She ditched him. My best friend told me, "Vortex, get your ego out of the way. If he is happy with her, let him be. At least that gets him out of your hair now." Believe me, I was a bit mad when she told me that. I didn't like hearing that I was reacting because of the rejection and bruised ego. At the end of the day, she was right. I was wanting to know that I meant something to ex. It was crushing to my ego to have him say and do the things that he did.

It does get better with time. Stop torturing yourself and block her so you don't see that stuff. It will remove the temptation of looking.

[icesoul]

 

I understand what it is like to have 4 kids together. Ex and I have 4 kids together. We were together almost 20 years. At the 15 year mark, he told me that he was bisexual and that we should see other people. Ex and I were very much best friends. We went to grad school together. We were in the same professional field. We were in a band together. Our lives were very much shared. We were totally enmeshed with each other. We were connected at the hip for a whole lot of years.

You couldn't have found her help. It is not your job to fix her. Just like it is not my job to fix my ex. It doesn't matter how much you know about the illness. That isn't going to change the fact that you are in extreme pain right now. Understanding the madness is great. I found that understanding it didn't impact my pain one little bit. It explained why some of the stuff happened but it didn't change it. It hurt to have the man I married and have children with do the things that my ex did.

Right now, I do have the kids full time on my own. I haven't filed for divorce yet and there are no custody orders. I feel like the only way to get full custody is to divulge a lot of the stuff that has gone on behind closed doors. I don't want my kids to ever find out any of the super personal stuff that has happened between ex and I. I am afraid that I would have to air all of our dirty laundry to get what I want from the courts. Ex isn't fighting me on anything right now so I am not pushing it. I let him come over and see the kids periodically. I try to make myself scarce.

It is very difficult to see him. There have been times that I have had stomach attacks and have had to go to the bathroom and throw up. I get very anxious and nervous around him. I feel like putting up with him is part of living my values with regards to making sure that my kids have access to both parents.  

I recall telling my best friend some of the same things that you are saying about wanting to know about the other guy and stuff like that. I went so far as to contact one of the ladies that ex was chasing. He told me how much he loved her and how she floated his boat and inspired him and blah, blah, blah. I contacted her and told her everything. She ditched him. My best friend told me, "Vortex, get your ego out of the way. If he is happy with her, let him be. At least that gets him out of your hair now." Believe me, I was a bit mad when she told me that. I didn't like hearing that I was reacting because of the rejection and bruised ego. At the end of the day, she was right. I was wanting to know that I meant something to ex. It was crushing to my ego to have him say and do the things that he did.

It does get better with time. Stop torturing yourself and block her so you don't see that stuff. It will remove the temptation of looking.

We have 4kids too (2mnth, 2,3 and 5) they are all young babies who have no clue what's happening. I'm sure they miss me a lot. Maybe I check her page cause I feel a BIG big void because not only I lost her, she woudn't let me see my kids for last 6months who i practically raised from day 1. Maybe when they are back, I'll feel  much better. My children  look so unhappy and thinner with them compare to before. she said she will make me suffer to see my kids when she left me... She was extremely upset devaluing me, I did push some of her buttons out of retort.

she was six months pregnant when she left. The justice system suck so bad, they put a no contact right away after 3day arrest which broke our marriage. How can they do that to people with kids yet might allow you to talk once you file divorce. It's just govt extortion. Which couple doesn't have problems. Maybe she wouldn't have went so far if I atleast talked to her. Sad part is that 2months mark she contacted my family, she was low on money, need food and clothes , said she didn't want divorce.  I guess her security net wasn't strong yet, she wanted to really talk to me. She asked my sis 2-3times. I unfortunately refused cause judge told me next time it would higher bail if I speak to her. I was worried she might record me cause she knew i recorded her. I wasnt sure if she was trying to set me up. From that point, she cut contact ,maybe she felt rejected. From her conversation, she did seem sincere for the moment but who knows .I didn't want to take a chance and have her have a relapse. But I do regret it. Maybe if I could sweet talked to  her to return. During that time, she once turned the cam on once , it was interesting to watch  her behavior, she had no look of guilt/remorse on her face, she was all smiles like she was on a vacation , she looked like she didn't care .

 I got out in 3days.  The charge was serious so I didn't make contact, as much I wanted to, maybe she thought I didn't care when the separation was gone past 2weeks and decided to just go for it out of loneliness. Justice system is meant to break marriages. The law tell us when to contact our spouse but does nothing school people with PD and make arrest on hearsey evidence without proof.

The replacement didn't even no moral decency to leave a pregnant girl alone. Neither did she, to sleep with him carrying my baby shows lack of class/lack of character but I can atleast say she is ill . Atleast ur kids are grown so they can reach their own conclusions about the situation. What I'm worried about that she will put bad stuff in their head about me , like you're father is a bad guy... History repeats itself , her BPD has done the same to her father and till this day she speaks bad of him to her daugter when he left her 12years ago. I'm worried she will be do the same for the rest of her life and my kids are too young to understand...

20years? Wow... well if I knew what I know now about the disorder, I'm sure I would of convinced her for therapy cause in the beginning she always listened to me but it's too late now. In my situation Understanding the madness did help me cope with the pain, to give some sort of closure to her abnormal behavior.  i thought to myself can you really be that upset with a mentally ill person. Atleast you have custody... I wish I can win full custody which I have filed recently. I have two cases pending. Luckily I recorded her when she said she will set me up. Your ex seems calm/civil dealing with kids , mine is extremely vindictive and bitter. She wished I was dead to her friend but I didn't take it personally.

I feel your pain, same here just  looking at her pictures alone almost made me puke. She is kissing him in all her pictures... she was possibly mad at me that I shared her affair to all her family members which they all look at her now as a bad mother who ruined their life. She was going to have some consequences, I didn't spare her.

Anyway  I'm sure I will be nervous and anxious too seeing her again, I did see them once together ... it was so awkward, she didn't look my way not once. I hope the shame gets to her but I doubt it, she is too cold heartedily ruthless. I convinced myself of the same things. Like if she is happy with the guy and feel like she can do better than me then , go for it but i doubt it anyone can love her more. She is going to regret it one day what she lost .The guy she chose is a straight bum, he doesn't have a car, live with his motherq up until this point and now living off my children's food stamps. I look at it it's her loss that she lost a good man out of her own impulsive foolishness. She made her bed and now she gota sleep in it. I think our marriage is beyond repair . I can forgive for adultery but it will never be the same... She chose to put her affair over her children and me no matter how much false justification she gives her self that the marriage was bad. That's still not a good enough excuse. I almost wanted to tell the replacement the truth too but my few interactions I can tell he is an immature douche so I didn't. Plus he stole something so precious from me, I knew he wouldn't stop cause she is a gorgeous woman. It's just free sex/a$$ for him. I already see him hinting 3somes with his comments to other women. This is the guy she chose with 4kid, (shaking my head).,.She picked a real winner...

Me being a spiritual person, I won't turn my back on her, if she does need my help , I would help but that bond can never be recovered. She backed out of reconsiliation it's been 4-5 months , it's just too much .  I guess when she decided to jump in his bed, she knew the damage would be irrepairable. At some point I will find another woman and start a new family but the guy she picked, he's not gonna stay with a mother of 4 being 25.  She about to find out how  difficult life would be being a single mother ... .

Btw Thank you for sharing about ur life

[icesoul]

So our divorce proceedings have started. Saw her in court today, she's so ruthless. She sat across acted like she didn't know me.

She had an angry demeaner and was avoiding any eye contact , she didnt even look once... Can't believe this girl used to look at me with so much love. She didn't used to spend a minute without me and now she looked and like I'm some enemy . Why so much hate? We had arguments but she just straight left with exit affair. I made mistakes but I'm only woman, to punish the father of her children is beyond me

She came very dressed up, not sure why but She looked good. Maybe she wanted to show hard exterior like she isn't phased by the divorce. Outside was waiting a loser replacement she destroyed our lives for. I was sad to see her today ... betrayal is worst Than death