How do you talk without making it worse?

[quiltingmama]

Hello I keep talking to my daughter and everything comes out wrong. When she is in a depressive state I haven't any idea how to talk to her without making it worse.  She didn't finish college but wants to gets makes no effort to go back she says she is a failure and if she has to work retail her whole life she wil put a bullet to her head.  She is 22 any suggestions if I stop the conversation because I have to go to work she puts me on a guilt trip what do I do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Hi there,
She is putting you on a guilt trip because she needs to be heard. This is her way of getting your attention, her desperation for you to listen and hear between the lines.
I believe she has a problem articulating exactly what the problem is, as do many people. She probably thinks she is being very clear, but you hear something completely different, and that is what you are responding to, which is upsetting to your dd because she thinks you are not listening.
She hasn't finished college ( makes no effort to finish ) and is concerned about having to work retail her whole life. What is she really saying here? Is she more upset at the fact she hasn't completed school, or at her lack of career opportunity? 
She feels like a failure, your words , or hers? My guess is , she has said it out loud more than once. What has she failed at? did she fail in school, or did she just drop out? there is a difference. If she dropped out, she didn't fail, she gave up, but then why did she give up? If she wasn't passing classes, was it because they were too difficult, was it too many at one time?
She is crying out to be heard, and you are listening, but what she says and what you hear are completely different.
 Lessons 2 and 3 are great lessons. listening and responding with empathy will help, and validate the valid. let her know you are hearing her, sometimes just validating a statement is enough, it needs no other response, or explanation.
I hear you, I understand
I have been dealing with my own DD who is 33 and a BPD, since she was quite young. we ran the gamut with her. While every situation is different, they are also quite similar, so I hope I have helped, even just a small bit.
My biggest aid ever, has been putting myself in her shoes, learning what it feels like to be a BPD, with all of the thoughts and emotions they have whirling around in their head every second of every minute of every day. The constant noise in their mind, the constant fear of abandonment and rejection. It has helped me to be more empathetic, and understanding.
Good Luck to you. Hang in there, it does get better.

[Lollypop]

Hi quiltingmama

Tristesse gives fantastic advice.

My BPDs dropped out of uni. Wrong course, wrong place, wrong time. It took him a while to find the kind of work that he could do (outdoors, small team, physical but requires a skill and training). Our expectations and theirs are sometimes too high. That's my experience anyway. I've realised he needs stability so he can explore his triggers, work on his skills, make his own choices, no planning, just living.

I understand that feeling of not being able to say anything right.  It's just so frustrating!  I get it.  

If something isn't working then I change my approach. I used to talk a LOT!  I focussed on our relationship and stopped speaking about anything relating to him,  I listened when he spoke. Slowly he relaxed.

Do you need to talk to your daughter with boundaries or some house limits that we can help you with?

Hope this helps you

LP

[Mutt]

Hi quiltingmama,



I'd try not to worry about making it worse, you give me the impression that you're conscientious if you're a forum board looking for help, obviously you care. My point is don't take the disorder personally, I understand that it's easier said and done while I'm typing on my phone, I suggest to make it a goal to strive for, learn to become indifferent to the behaviors, you neither like it or hate it, depersonalize it.

I think that you have elements of two disorders, a mood disorder and a personality disorder. It sounds dramatic that she's going to work retail her entire life and it's black and white thinking. Depression and anxiety is often comorbid with BPD, it could ne black and white thinking from a depressive mood or BPD or a combination of both. A pwBPD live moment to moment and not in the past or the future. She's working retail now and she has her whole future in front of her, i'd maybe just offer advice that would reflect the grey area.

I can understand that you're worried about working something that you don't you have your heart in, you have your whole future ahead of you, you could consider going back to school, many people go back to school to change careers... .