Betrayal

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Going through the separation and divorce process, more and more things have been coming to light that reveal the depth and length of my ex's betrayal.  As things are revealed, I cycle between responses of not being surprised to be angry and hurt by her actions.  I got to thinking about why it made me angry and was wrestling with the idea of the length of time of betrayal making the issue worse than if it hadn't gone on for long.  I still don't have an answer to that question but I'm leaning heavily towards it not being all that important.  At least not anymore.

What I know for a fact is:
- She accused me of hiding money from her
- She accused me of spying on her
- She accused me of cheating on her
- She accused me of abusing her

What has been revealed during our separation/divorce:
- She has been hiding money from me since we reconciled after our first separation
- She has been spying on me and keeping records of various things to try and use against me

What I'm realizing is that a lot of the things she accused me of are things she was herself doing.  Typical projection and possibly some intentional misdirection.  Keep the attention on me and my supposed bad behavior so she can carry on doing whatever it is she wants to do.  Now the part that gets me is she was doing the spying/money hiding thing since at least the time we got back together.  That tells me the whole time we were together was a sham and that's what hurts the most.  It's like she was getting as much out of me as she could until she decided to cut and run.  In reality I cut off her toxic supply by creating boundaries and enforcing them.

It makes way more sense now as to why she cuts off relationships with people that were previously "close" to her.  Once her true self is revealed there's nothing left but a history of lies.  The person you thought you were having a relationship with doesn't exist.  She moves on to new people that she can dupe until her true self is revealed or close to being revealed and the pattern repeats itself.

Torture has nothing on a person with BPD/NPD.  A long life is their burden to bear but unfortunately they damage other people in their wake.

[jonmnemonic]

Going through the separation and divorce process, more and more things have been coming to light that reveal the depth and length of my ex's betrayal.  As things are revealed, I cycle between responses of not being surprised to be angry and hurt by her actions.  I got to thinking about why it made me angry and was wrestling with the idea of the length of time of betrayal making the issue worse than if it hadn't gone on for long.  I still don't have an answer to that question but I'm leaning heavily towards it not being all that important.  At least not anymore.

What I know for a fact is:
- She accused me of hiding money from her
- She accused me of spying on her
- She accused me of cheating on her
- She accused me of abusing her

What has been revealed during our separation/divorce:
- She has been hiding money from me since we reconciled after our first separation
- She has been spying on me and keeping records of various things to try and use against me

What I'm realizing is that a lot of the things she accused me of are things she was herself doing.  Typical projection and possibly some intentional misdirection.  Keep the attention on me and my supposed bad behavior so she can carry on doing whatever it is she wants to do.  Now the part that gets me is she was doing the spying/money hiding thing since at least the time we got back together.  That tells me the whole time we were together was a sham and that's what hurts the most.  It's like she was getting as much out of me as she could until she decided to cut and run.  In reality I cut off her toxic supply by creating boundaries and enforcing them.

It makes way more sense now as to why she cuts off relationships with people that were previously "close" to her.  Once her true self is revealed there's nothing left but a history of lies.  The person you thought you were having a relationship with doesn't exist.  She moves on to new people that she can dupe until her true self is revealed or close to being revealed and the pattern repeats itself.

Torture has nothing on a person with BPD/NPD.  A long life is their burden to bear but unfortunately they damage other people in their wake.

[UnforgivenII]

What I'm realizing is that a lot of the things she accused me of are things she was herself doing.  Typical projection and possibly some intentional misdirection. 
  That tells me the whole time we were together was a sham and that's what hurts the most.  It's like she was getting as much out of me as she could until she decided to cut and run.  In reality I cut off her toxic supply by creating boundaries and enforcing them.

Once her true self is revealed there's nothing left but a history of lies.  The person you thought you were having a relationship with doesn't exist. 

Yes. Exactly.

There is nothing to grieve, my friend. We grieve our ability to love. We grieve our dreams. But do not grieve the relationship, it never happened.

[Sadly]

Betrayal, Yes, believing the last couple of years are nothing, this is what I struggle with. This is what I wrote to him.

Was it not real then,  those feelings, that love, sitting with your music in that cold flat, singing to ... ., so happy to have found each other. My dream catcher my heart box , the care and love, the laughter. 15 cruel stark words  You were what I needed then so thank you, but for whatever reason, not now! . Is this what the last couple of years, a huge place in my life has come down to. Your needs then and now. Nothing you have said or called me hurt like that. Everything all of me  reduced to nothing more than a temporary need of yours. Be proud, be very proud of yourself. It made me physically sick.

This is heartbreaking to me, it made me feel worthless. To have lived a lie. I am so glad I am not with him anymore, I lost myself for so long, now my aim is to find me again, I liked me once upon a time.
Love from
Sadly x

[UnforgivenII]

This is heartbreaking to me, it made me feel worthless. To have lived a lie.

It makes HIM worthless, not you. You were real and sincere and vibrant. Alive.
He was dead. His heart was dead. Ok defence mechanism. But dead nonetheless