I'm all done, but how do i tell my BPD SO ?

[whittsend]

Hi everyone. I have posted previously about general information relating to BPD and my SO, when i was unsure of exactly what i was dealing with and have found the help, support and advice invaluable and am now much more aware of the traits, behaviours and dramas and how to deal with them. With this information i believe that my SO is BPD, and also high conflict, and i have spent much time swilling things around in my head in trying to make the decision of whether to stay with him or end the relationship - we are not married.
I have read the guidelines given on here on deciding whether to stay or leave, a few minutes ago, and am relieved to say that i have pretty much already worked through them, with great effort and integrity and noted that i had already 'stepped back' some weeks ago, where i no longer am, or show any interest in the 'daily' dramas that i am faced with from him, i have cleared the space in my head to think clearly - we are now in separate bedrooms, under the 'guise' that he snores terribly and i cannot sleep, i have analysed the reality of BPD and the illness v's my actions, from months of research and reading through this site, and i have now discussed all of this with my closest friend, and only remaining one, who has only remained so as i have kept her well away from him- who was my saviour when my first husband died some 23 years ago when i was just 28 with 2 very young children (i am 51 now),
Having looked at the all the pro's, which seem many, and all the cons, very few, i have, after much, much deliberation, made my decision.
I cannot live the rest of my life constantly trying not to tread on an eggshell, the drama and the negativity, conflict, witnessing anyone that gets close being the subject of his negative, aggressive or just downright bullish behaviour - neighbours, family, including children, strangers, other drivers, people in carparks ... .the list is ever growing and ultimately endless.
So, my dilemma is, How do i break this news to him ?
I appreciate that it may not be the best idea to lay blame, his BPD, or get into a fruitless argument or discussion about his behaviour and how this has affected me and our respective families, and if i did, it would then give him the opportunity to plead for forgiveness and say he will get help. It's too late, for me, i have nothing left emotionally, i have already 'detached' from him.
Whereas, if i tell him that it is me, i just want to be on my own, i have realised that i don't want to be in a relationship - which isn't actually a lie, it will leave him with nowhere to go, that's it.
Having made my decision, i feel a weight has lifted, i just have to get over the last hurdle.
- We have been living together for 5 years, before seeing each other for 3, where he had convinced me that he was separated from his wife- a lie.
We live in my house, his house sold after his divorce and he then moved in and has spent all his money from his share of his house sale, some of it has gone through our 'housekeeping' expenses, but there is very little to show for the majority of it.
I have a rental property which will be sold over the next few moths, where 'our' plans where to move away and start again.

My thoughts are to get the house sold, give him the same amount that he received from his house sale, - i do care that he can find somewhere to live and be ok, I would then sell my house and move away - closer to my parents - and out of harms way from the backlash.

Does that sound reasonable ? But the issue at the moment is 'how', how do i relay this massive, what will be a bombshell to him.

I am not a bad person and i know that although he will be devastated, i also know that it won't take him long to be pursuing his next target of affection. - he has already been sending his ex 'xxxxxxxxxx' thru social media messaging.!

W xx
 

[formflier]

I would ask you a question... .are you done with "this" marriage to him, or "any" marriage to him.

I certainly don't advocate divorce as a "tactic" to get people to change, but let's just say he offered to change... .go to therapy... .perhaps even agree to the "new" marriage in a post-nuptial agreement.  Would that change your mind?

If so... .then I would advise a certain way of breaking the news to him.

If you are DONE... .there is no need for an explanation.  You have made a decision for you and will be moving on.  That's not blame... .that's taking responsibility for YOUR decision.

All the rest of the details should be worked out after you figure out "how done" you are.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

You've got two questions here:

First off, I'm assuming that you aren't really willing to give this marriage more of a chance, and you aren't wanting him to change so you can stay with him--You've given up on that.

1. How to divide things up with your husband.

The question of how to divide things up is legal (yeah, you should consult a lawyer), and also logistical, since the two of you live in the same house.

2. How to tell your husband you are splitting.

This question has two aspects--one is how afraid you are of dysregulation or confrontation on his part.

The other is what level of explanation of why you are ready to leave do you owe him?  I'm going to suggest that you not worry about this one much--you sound like you've already long since stopped sharing your vulnerable, intimate feelings with him. All you really owe somebody you are splitting with is a clear statement that you are doing so.