Girlfriend's Histronic Ex Infiltrating my Social Circle

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Guys,
    I'm really struggling.  Before I started dating my current girlfriend who has been my friend for over six years, I welcomed both her and her girlfriend into my social circle.

Along the way I introduced this person to people because she had no friends other than our girlfriend and I felt bad for her.

 

Anyways, fast forward a year and my girlfriend and this person break up. We begin dating but not immediately. During this time they are still living together until the ex finds a new place.

The more I talk to my GF she tells me she believes her ex is histronic. This woman hits on everyone. Huge flirt, extremely inappropriate behaviors.  Well about a month after the break up she sends my girlfriend a letter pretending to be me. Pretending I'm stalking her and in it I confess to breaking them up.

That's all I needed to know to know this person is not healthy and I tell my GF this.

While in my social group (I run) I had introduced my exes ex to a woman who I think overall is nice however she is bringing my exes ex to functions I decline so my entire social circle is now hanging with this loon.

I know it's not my place to tell anyone who they should hang out with but this is bothering me greatly. This woman also went to some good friends of my girlfriend's, two different families that live on a lake (my girlfriend petsits for them) and told them she only hangs out with them for their money and the condo one of the families let's her use in California (once a year vacations).

THAT is not my GF (a user). The sad thing is one of these couples immediately writes her off for trashing my GF, their longtime friend, while the other feels sorry for her and still welcomes her in their home.  This woman lives two states away, can't she get her own friends? No.

My tolerance is not what it used to be. I'm at a point I can't hang with people knowing they are a direct link to someone who pretended to be me and never apologized or denied, nothing.  People just ignored it and they still speak to her. Isn't that nuts? I'm not sure how I should handle this. Right now I am stewing in silent resentment but I figure that's more mature than blasting her to people who think she's "normal".

This has also put a strain on my current relationship because my girlfriend has not unfriended this woman. Her reasoning is, why cause more drama? If she reaches out it's once every six months or so and it's brief.

Do I have reason to be upset or am I overreacting? This woman actually began hanging out with a HS friend who started the social group with me. This friend no longer speaks to me and for awhile was sneaking around with this woman having her housesit for her and her husband (their dog) not saying a word until I confronted her.

I just feel betrayed in so many ways. I'm about to break up with my girlfriend just because I want this person who is not physically in our lives out of it. I feel I need to respect my boundaries but am I taking things too far and over reacting?

I feel I have a heightened sense of awareness when it comes to people with disorders. I want to get as far away from them as possible but am I ruining my life by pushing away people who associate with them even if it's just socially?

[marti644]

PrettyWoman,

This is tough and it sounds a little bit like triangulation, hypervigilance on your part, and generally unhealthy boundary breaking.

I suggest you read up on Karpman's Drama Triangle again and look at how you can get out of it. This is a choice you have to make. Focus on what you can do to reduce drama, it sounds honestly like you may be too invested in the social situation. If these are true friends (and your gf of course) a clear conversation about your boundaries, your uneasiness about the situation, and ways to change it should be something that is possible.

At worse, maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to step out of this social circle for a week, keep busy doing other things and go back and reassess? I know its hard, the BPD relationship dynamic creates alot of hypervigilance in the post-breakup stage, and can lead us to emotionally charged decision-making that may be overreactions or projections from our past BPD dynamic.

Most importantly focus on what you want to do and how you feel about it. Don't worry as much what others think, you have to look after yourself first!

Hang in there!

Marti

[Pretty Woman]

Marti,
  Thank you for your feedback. A part of me wonders if this is more my insecurity than anything. She hasn't said anything to these people about me (directly) and she hasn't harassed or bothered me in over 13mo. I think I am just so angry I allowed these people into my life. I have a lot of hatred and resentment.

I came into work today and there is my former best friend yacking it up to all my co-workers about her new dog. She doesn't work for about the first two hours of the workday, just chat with everyone around her. I feel like I can't remove all these people who hurt me... .I can only remove myself and that isn't fair. I like my job and I like my social stuff. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me and I'm the issue, but then again, I don't pretend to be other people and I don't slam ex friends to people around them. I think I am doing the right thing but I'm not sure.

[marti644]

I have a lot of hatred and resentment.

I feel like I can't remove all these people who hurt me... .I can only remove myself and that isn't fair. I like my job and I like my social stuff.

Sometimes I wonder if it's just me and I'm the issue.

I think these are the main points you should look at. I know hate and resentment have impacted me alot. Keeping it down and not projecting it onto others has been extremely difficult.

I think you should forget about what is 'fair'. Life isn't fair and unfortunately it never will be. Do what's is right for you and because of your anger and resentment it might be better to give yourself some space from this group, even for a small amount of time. You don't want to become the issue, so take yourself out of the equation, even for a short period of time. Don't gossip or vent to people in the group, talk to us or a neutral party. I have been an abject failure at avoiding drama like this in my life, and wish now that I had given myself time to calm down before I had acted. Would have cause alot less headaches for me in the long-run.

And the truth is its both: it is your insecurities and it is the other person's drama. Trust your intuitions, and back off and reduce the amount of participation in the drama as much as possible.
I hope this helps and makes sense.

[once removed]

think of the kids soccer team coach.

we hear horror stories about such things all the time; i read them sometimes in the dear prudie advice column 

aggressive parents. aggressive coaches. falling out. sides siding. kids pulled off the team. sometimes friendships and families effected if there is overlap.

messy stuff. sometimes preventable, sometimes not.

as i often say, difficult people are everywhere. boundaries are really about learning how to navigate a world that involves them, in a healthy way, as opposed to banishing or running from them all.

youre up front about your feelings, and (me) as someone who can get riled up about things most people would consider small stuff, i think its a productive tack, and something you can work with; telling yourself "im overreacting" has some use sometimes, it doesnt tend to erase our feelings, it can make them worse.

perhaps revisit the articles on boundaries and the karpman drama triangle, and focus not on how they apply to others, but to you. reread your post, mentally deleting the actions/motivations of the person effecting you, with the focus on the role you are playing. focus on solutions, and what you can do better. that is likely to replace feelings of frustration, powerlessness, and resentment, with feelings of confidence and peace.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368 (practical examples of boundaries)

[Pretty Woman]

Thank you, Once Removed. I know I am extra sensitive with the sheer amount of conflict in my life the past few years. As my girlfriend has stated... .her ex isn't reaching out to me or harassing me. She isn't doing anything but hanging out with people I know.

I used to have someone in my life who didn't share friends. She is in her mid 50's and still is friend possessive. When our friendship ended she slandered me to everyone she knew who in turn unfriended me.

I have no plans to be like that but I sure am not acting that way. I need to get to a point where there may be a day she isn't coming around. She is currently single with no attachment. Maybe she will flit off once someone pre-occupies her time. One can hope but I cannot sit around banking on it. I need to work past it.