1.5 Years NC, trying friendship, now I feel bad

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So after going NC for almost two years I let the lines of communications flow freely, and I decided to let her back into my life. Let's call her A.

We were together for three years and I tried being friends before only to windup feeling used and like a bench warmer. That's when Inmade the choice to X her out of my life completely. 

But we started talking and she's telling me all these great things she's been doing and how she went to therapy, so in my head I'm like "oh she's changed maybe we can be friends. She's a terrible gf, I have no desire to be with her, why not?" So we start stalking again in January, going to get coffee every so often to chat. Fine.
She was in a relationship with a guy and would complain about how he never had time for her. And I feel like that's when I should've realized that I was on my way to becoming an "in-between". We slowly start spending more and more time together, until one day (say--4 weeks ago) she asks to stay at my place. I'm reluctant so I offer her the couch to which she replies "why can't I sleep in the bed with you?" I ignore that and she sleeps over. And we cuddle. And now I feel old feelings coming back. The image of us growing old together starts to become clear again.  And of course even before she stood over there was flirting going on. But I ignored it, thinking it like a crush type thing.

She then breaks it off with the guy and starts to see another guy who lives with his exgf. She even told me that his exgf reached out to A to let her know that he tells her all the "baby I love you's" to the ex to maintain his living situation. She asks my advice, I tell her not and that's that. We hang out a weekend and are having breakfast to which I tell her my feelings and A tells me that she wants to see where things go with this new guy. Now I feel dumb.

But get this, that same day after she leaves me she goes to see the guy, but before she leaves she asks if she can crash at my place again. Now I don't want to seem petty and say 'no' because I don't want it to look like I don't want her there bc she rejected me. So to my detriment I let her stay. She walks up the next day to go see the guy. Now I REALLY feel stupid.

I asked A last Thursday if she was available to hang the following Friday and she said yes. Friday comes and I'm texting her so get the where and when, I don't get a solid answer. I don't get an answer from her until 10:30p that Friday asking where is there a good place to get Margaritas, to which I say "X is a good place. You wanna meet?" And she goes "no I'm hanging with my boo tonight "

THATS when I realized that I'm nothing but a bench warmer. That as soon as her new relationship goes south or is lacking she's gonna run back to me.

So this week I was ignoring her as I've been busy with my friends and such. She sends me this long text:

"Hey, are we ok? My gut tells me something is up. I feel ever since you asked me to hang out and I said I was hanging out with XXXX  something changed. I thought you were ok with my relationship? I get the feeling that you're bothered by it and that's why you're pushing me away. Also, I really wanted to hang out with you this weekend but it seems you've forgotten. Least you could've said was hey sorry to cancel our plans, but I made new plans. Anyway, I just wanted to say that and ask you if we're ok because my gut tells me something is up. I texted you because you didn't call me back. Nonetheless, have fun at the beach today, it's a beautiful day."

All I replied to was "we're fine' and I haven't spoken to her since.

Do you guys think I'm correct in my thinking? As I feel a bit manipulated and used. Is it just me?

Thank you for reading and for any feedback.

[FantasticMsDox]

So after going NC for almost two years I let the lines of communications flow freely, and I decided to let her back into my life. Let's call her A.

We were together for three years and I tried being friends before only to windup feeling used and like a bench warmer. That's when Inmade the choice to X her out of my life completely. 

But we started talking and she's telling me all these great things she's been doing and how she went to therapy, so in my head I'm like "oh she's changed maybe we can be friends. She's a terrible gf, I have no desire to be with her, why not?" So we start stalking again in January, going to get coffee every so often to chat. Fine.
She was in a relationship with a guy and would complain about how he never had time for her. And I feel like that's when I should've realized that I was on my way to becoming an "in-between". We slowly start spending more and more time together, until one day (say--4 weeks ago) she asks to stay at my place. I'm reluctant so I offer her the couch to which she replies "why can't I sleep in the bed with you?" I ignore that and she sleeps over. And we cuddle. And now I feel old feelings coming back. The image of us growing old together starts to become clear again.  And of course even before she stood over there was flirting going on. But I ignored it, thinking it like a crush type thing.

She then breaks it off with the guy and starts to see another guy who lives with his exgf. She even told me that his exgf reached out to A to let her know that he tells her all the "baby I love you's" to the ex to maintain his living situation. She asks my advice, I tell her not and that's that. We hang out a weekend and are having breakfast to which I tell her my feelings and A tells me that she wants to see where things go with this new guy. Now I feel dumb.

But get this, that same day after she leaves me she goes to see the guy, but before she leaves she asks if she can crash at my place again. Now I don't want to seem petty and say 'no' because I don't want it to look like I don't want her there bc she rejected me. So to my detriment I let her stay. She walks up the next day to go see the guy. Now I REALLY feel stupid.

I asked A last Thursday if she was available to hang the following Friday and she said yes. Friday comes and I'm texting her so get the where and when, I don't get a solid answer. I don't get an answer from her until 10:30p that Friday asking where is there a good place to get Margaritas, to which I say "X is a good place. You wanna meet?" And she goes "no I'm hanging with my boo tonight "

THATS when I realized that I'm nothing but a bench warmer. That as soon as her new relationship goes south or is lacking she's gonna run back to me.

So this week I was ignoring her as I've been busy with my friends and such. She sends me this long text:

"Hey, are we ok? My gut tells me something is up. I feel ever since you asked me to hang out and I said I was hanging out with XXXX  something changed. I thought you were ok with my relationship? I get the feeling that you're bothered by it and that's why you're pushing me away. Also, I really wanted to hang out with you this weekend but it seems you've forgotten. Least you could've said was hey sorry to cancel our plans, but I made new plans. Anyway, I just wanted to say that and ask you if we're ok because my gut tells me something is up. I texted you because you didn't call me back. Nonetheless, have fun at the beach today, it's a beautiful day."

All I replied to was "we're fine' and I haven't spoken to her since.

Do you guys think I'm correct in my thinking? As I feel a bit manipulated and used. Is it just me?

Thank you for reading and for any feedback.

[Swhitey]

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling bad it sounds like a very painful, I feel triggered with intense emotions of rejection and feeling used when I read this. I have wondered what I might do if my ex reached out to me... .She wanted to remain friends after the break up, but I honestly could not offer friendship. She is not a safe person anymore. She is manipulative and I knew I would always hang on to the idea of getting together with her if I kept her in my life. That is not the definition of friendship to me, it is more unrequited love, and it is suffering.

Have you asked yourself why, you want to be friends with her? What value to your life does she add to be considered a friend? Does she meet the requirement of what a friend is to you?

[Infern0]

Im going to play devils advocate here because i think it's nessasary in this case.

You had 18 months of NC, great thats fantastic.

How much self work did you do in that time?

You reach out or whatever on a "friends" tip

Now look i have to be honest here, realky, "just friends"

See based on everything else in your post im having a difficult time beliving that you wanted to be "just friends" then she just happened to end up in your bed etc.

Now look im only saying this because i used to kid myself like this in the past that i was ok being "just friends" but it was simply not true, deep down i was trying to position myself to restart the relationship.

Now, the "friends first" route is the nice guy route and we know that BPD's eat nice guys for breakfast.

Why is this? Well put simply because its manipulation and you cannot "out manipulate" a master of the craft. They wont respect you for it and they will "use" you. (Although really its you letting them use you)

Im just veing honest here brother, if you want her back im not gonna judge but you need to be honest with yourself and start being more direct in your approach and having some self respect about you.

Taking the nice guy approach is never going to work. Theres nothing attractive about it, they wont respect it and with no attraction and no respect youve got nothing.

Im sorry but i dodnt get past all this myself until i started looking at my own actions and realised what was up.

[Turkish]

What are you getting out of this relationship? Is there a goal here? I don't mean a goal which revolves around her,  but one which helps you?

[FantasticMsDox]

Im going to play devils advocate here because i think it's nessasary in this case.

You had 18 months of NC, great thats fantastic.

How much self work did you do in that time?

You reach out or whatever on a "friends" tip

Now look i have to be honest here, realky, "just friends"

See based on everything else in your post im having a difficult time beliving that you wanted to be "just friends" then she just happened to end up in your bed etc.

Now look im only saying this because i used to kid myself like this in the past that i was ok being "just friends" but it was simply not true, deep down i was trying to position myself to restart the relationship.

Now, the "friends first" route is the nice guy route and we know that BPD's eat nice guys for breakfast.

Why is this? Well put simply because its manipulation and you cannot "out manipulate" a master of the craft. They wont respect you for it and they will "use" you. (Although really its you letting them use you)

Im just veing honest here brother, if you want her back im not gonna judge but you need to be honest with yourself and start being more direct in your approach and having some self respect about you.

Taking the nice guy approach is never going to work. Theres nothing attractive about it, they wont respect it and with no attraction and no respect youve got nothing.

Im sorry but i dodnt get past all this myself until i started looking at my own actions and realised what was up.

I'm a woman but no worries ^_^

I appreciate your POV. In all honesty when she reached out to me, I didn't desire her as a partner. I wanted her back in my life (in my mind at the time) because she really is a decent person. We have fun, have good conversations l, and she has a really good work ethic. I wasn't really feeling anything until we started spending more time together (about 4 weeks ago). In hindsight, I had established boundaries -- I wouldn't hang out all the time when she asked and would act rather neutral, shrugging off things she was saying like "don't you wanna give me all your love?" And stuff like that. But after cuddling (we didn't have sex, didn't want to take it there) I felt the old feelings rush back, because they were buried -- not gone.

In the time I was NC (seems so distant now ) I was eating right, reading a lot more, I started school again (this is my last year yay!), quit a job that made me unhappy,was studying a new language, and nurturing my friends while making new friends. And of course dating here and there.

I'm actually going to see her Sunday to get my scarf and sunglasses she borrowed and I'm not sure what to say. It's like she knows how I feel -- but in addition to that, since we started talking again we haven't really spoken about her and I, all that has happened when we were together other than "we were young, we couldn't deal" (she was 19 and I was 20 when we got together. She's now 25 and I'm 26)

So I'm debating just being totally honest saying something along the lines of:

"I want to be with you, because of that I can't give you the friendship you want. You're okay with receiving my affection, but your unwillingness to take it further isn't fair to me, so I need to detach myself from you again"

And to be honest having to leave again makes he feel kinda stupid because it's like "this, again?"

I'm feeling very confused. I know that when I told her how I felt two weeks ago (told her I still see a future) she awknowledged that there was still something between us. But in hindsight that confuses more because I feel that I was "getting signals" and just responding to them. In reality I was lowering my boundaries to allow this to happen. Ugh can't believe this . And also funny thing, I had totally forgot she has BPD. Damn shame.

But I'm also going to therapy soon, because the last two weeks has kicked up my anxiety, like I'm triggered. All the uncertainty, then not-knowing for sure, the will she-won't she?, all is flooded back causing me distress.

Thanks again for your feedback guys, it's really helpful.

[FantasticMsDox]

Also wanted to say... .

I don't think that she 'doesn't love me' or anything like that. I feel like because she loves me so much she winds up hurting me. But, yesterday when I was doing the "what I want in a friend" checklist I was really asking myself:

":)o I want the kind of friend strings along their ex?"
":)o I want the kind of friend that does things I don't respect?"
":)o I want a friend that will only be there for me when their relationship starts to suck?" Bc lord knows that's gonna happen.

And the answer to this is no. I thought she changed bc she had been going to therapy, but the things that matter didn't change, and I feel like in turn, thing between us didn't change. I can see our "friendship" going to that place where I become the person that she goes to ALL THE TIME for relationship advice (and when you say positive things about their new relationship you're a good friend but anything critical you're the ex) and then I have to pretend that I don't feel the way I feel. I don't wanna be in that space again. If she's still making the same move in her relationships and I'm unable to maintain consistent boundaries I don't know how this would ever work.

There would be so much to sift through, and trust issues to sort out that I don't even know if that much work between two people is worth going through for a friendship. A partner/romantic relationship, but a friendship? I don't know man... .

What is the goal? Lol three things now come into my mind:

1. Have a stable friendship -at first this was the goal. I just wanted a good friendship with her. But, a mistake I made was not making her earn my trust. At first it was easy to pick up where we left off as if no time has passed so I put my broken trust for her in the back of my mind.

2. Get her back -- I thought I wanted her back. But not if she's doing the same things -- so I can have the same relationship? No thank you.

3. Totally ghost on her and run for the hills. In my high emotional state this is what I want to do the most. But I don't think that's the adult thing to do.


I'm also, just not looking forward to having to go through the 'loss' and grief' again that comes with detaching oneself.