Physical pain from emotional trauma

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Has anyone else experienced the feeling like your head is going to explode while talking with your BPD?  I'm talking about going through circular arguments where it doesn't matter what, how or when you say something it is always wrong.  I often got that feeling when talking with my exBPD and would simply have to walk away to maintain my sanity.  That's about the time she would bring out her smartphone and start recording me saying "why are you treating me this why" so she'd have video evidence of "how I treated her so badly".

It was like my brain knew that every part of the conversation was wrong and was doing everything it could to protect itself finally reaching a critical point whereby I'd either succumb or survive.  I remember sitting in church with her after the service and she was going on about something that was completely retarded and insisting that I agree with her.  I finally said something along the lines of "why don't we just get this torture over with and kill me already".  I literally wanted to die at that moment.  Not in the sense of suicide or self harm but it was so physically painful dealing with her crap that I couldn't take it.  Her response was something along the lines of if I just changed my thinking and agreed with her then it would be over.  I got up and walked away.

Dealing with crazy is crazy making and I'll admit that I didn't always respond in a very mature or appropriate manner.  How did you respond when dealing with these types of situations?

[jonmnemonic]

Has anyone else experienced the feeling like your head is going to explode while talking with your BPD?  I'm talking about going through circular arguments where it doesn't matter what, how or when you say something it is always wrong.  I often got that feeling when talking with my exBPD and would simply have to walk away to maintain my sanity.  That's about the time she would bring out her smartphone and start recording me saying "why are you treating me this why" so she'd have video evidence of "how I treated her so badly".

It was like my brain knew that every part of the conversation was wrong and was doing everything it could to protect itself finally reaching a critical point whereby I'd either succumb or survive.  I remember sitting in church with her after the service and she was going on about something that was completely retarded and insisting that I agree with her.  I finally said something along the lines of "why don't we just get this torture over with and kill me already".  I literally wanted to die at that moment.  Not in the sense of suicide or self harm but it was so physically painful dealing with her crap that I couldn't take it.  Her response was something along the lines of if I just changed my thinking and agreed with her then it would be over.  I got up and walked away.

Dealing with crazy is crazy making and I'll admit that I didn't always respond in a very mature or appropriate manner.  How did you respond when dealing with these types of situations?

[RAPIDclassic1]

Wow, your post made me laugh, well created and I felt you witnessed much of my married life.  So, here's an analogy; in my BPD marriage, 2+2 = 5.  The outcome was always off, the input too much or too little, the assumptions were always just a little wrong... nothing ever went the way a logical person would anticipate.  As a consequence, yes, the tension of the lunacy would manifest in physical symptoms.  I would shape and knock edges off and try to spin it for the outside world but at times, I would react strongly and aggressively.  Domestic dispute is too vague... .UFC meets Intervention maybe... .just brutal.  Physically, I'm amazed I didn't stroke out...   My only choice was to get out (I did) or die trying (that, sadly, is not a joke).

[wellwellwell]

There's a useful technique where you try to identify the physical location of the pain. For me, it's often in my brain. Not just my head, but my brain. I would start to feel like I was physically paralyzed when things got bad. Sometimes six or seven times a week. That's eased a bit now, but I know exactly what you mean.

[Tlw300300]

Just had one. We are a week a from final divorce. It still living in the same house until then barely speaking. Told her I had a business dinner. She came unglued because I rode the Motorcylce and insisted I lied since it was my boss and two colleagues from out of town discussing our plan for a meeting with a customer the next day it was a sales meeting and a business meeting inferred that it was with a customer. Bottom line is I'm not supposed to ride the motorcycle without her. Probably sounds crazy but every conversation does.

[Sadly]

Yes, I too used to have brain ache, it used to feel overloaded to the point of exploding and I could barely string two words together. I was physically sick many times, of course that was me being a drama queen ! I have a bad lower back and neck which used to treble in pain when he was being really nasty, I guess that was because my muscles where so tense and tight. I started getting dishydrotic excema on my hands, doctor said it was stress related. Horrible.

[Inneedofhelp]

Yes, that feeling sounds familiar. For me lately it is like what I imagine a panick  attack is-hard to breathe, disbelief of the circular conversation and lack of rational thinking. He is now trying to say he is so disappointed that I can't see he is struggling and help him. I have filed for divorce but he keeps coming to my house to see the kids and some days pretends like things are ok and gets rageful when I tell him that I'm sad/scared/worried/need distance. I am having trouble concentrating, sleeping and being present for our 2 children.

[balletomane]

I didn't experience headaches, but his rages or just the hint that a rage might be coming provoked stomach cramps (to the point where I would have diarrhoea), heart palpitations, dizziness, and nausea. After he discarded me I felt as if my ribcage were splinting inwards. The pain in my heart was physical. My limbs felt heavy, I was tired all the time, and I ached all over, interspersed with days when I was so numb that I would look down at my arm and feel that it wasn't really mine. I couldn't feel anything much on those days. Emotional trauma can create a very profound physical response.

[marti644]

I didn't realize how much pressure I was under "to perform" until she discarded me. I set pretty strong boundaries during the relationship, but I was still walking on eggshells during it, subconsciously.

Most of my trauma came about when all her lies unraveled after the relationship was over. She never properly raged or recycled me during our 8 months together so it was a huge blindside, even though there were all kinds of stuff going on during the relationship I didn't know about.

The after effects were telling. Like many others have mentioned was like going into withdrawal from heavy drug use or PTSD. Usually I have pain in my stomach when I think about specific things and occasionally at night I wake up with my heart pounding. Nightmares and night sweats have become so common that I have extra pillow cases and sheets to change in the night depending on how bad the dreams are.

In the long run this is all going to make me a much stronger person, but this experience has sure left its mark. Such deep pain I have never felt before welling up from within.

[jonmnemonic]

The after effects were telling. Like many others have mentioned was like going into withdrawal from heavy drug use or PTSD. Usually I have pain in my stomach when I think about specific things and occasionally at night I wake up with my heart pounding. Nightmares and night sweats have become so common that I have extra pillow cases and sheets to change in the night depending on how bad the dreams are.

I had the night sweats while I was with her but at the time attributed it to being sick with a cold or flu.  It kinda hit me recently how bad things were when I woke up yelling in my sleep, the bed was soaked from sweating, and my heart was beating out of my chest.  High blood pressure, acne, fluttering in my ears are other symptoms I've been dealing with as well.  They have lessened over the past 5 months but by no means are they gone.

"Tell me if the high was worth the pain" - Taylor Swift

Not a chance! - Jon Mnemonic

[AustenJ]

sometimes my stress and anxiety would trigger my asthma... .and I was prescribed a low dose anti-anxiety med... .it was brutal.

It was exhausting trying to validate her during her rages all the time. Our biggest confrontation was when she walked out on me and packed up most of her clothes... .validation nor any of my other conflict-reducing skills were working. She had left her intimates so I gladly threw them out the door after her, into a mud puddle.

I hated how she made me feel and behave that way. I was the kindest, loving, most patient man when we first met. It was horrible who I had become to appease her.

[AustenJ]

I hadn't missed a day of work in ten years... .the 5 months I was with her, I missed 6 days due to anxiety, depression, and general craziness... .

[Duped 1]

Love This:

"Tell me if the high was worth the pain" - Taylor Swift

Not a chance! - Jon Mnemonic

[getfree]

During a rage episode/silent treatment or discard I would experience night sweats, diarrhea and asthma symptoms.

The only other time I have experienced anything similar was when a close family member had died. By the end I was so angry that I had let someone have that much power over me that was as much motivation to disengage as anything else.

[Duped 1]

Getfree-

This is what I am still struggling with-

How did I let someone who treated me so poorly with absolutely no grasp of integrity, honesty, empathy or respect have so much power over me. Makes no sense.

[getfree]

Duped 1

Speaking for myself I think I bought into her reality very very quickly and simply stayed there. I was offered everything I desired and I was also told that I was the key to her having everything she desired.

For a guy like me that was obviously a potent mix and things like boundaries and good morals went completely out of the window.

Whilst I think for me low self esteem was part of it, I think plenty of people would be receptive too and buy into this so I wouldn't beat yourself up too much.

I think understanding your motivations as a free agent is a big part of coming out the other side and hopefully then it will make sense.

I am still embarrassed about my own rationale but I am happy I understand.

[allienoah]

The physical pain is the thing that scares the daylights out of me. I get stomach pains,  headaches and anxiety when I have to tell him something I know he will be upset about.(like if I want to take a trip with a friend) I always put it off until the last moment and that doesn't help. What I find happens when I am discarded is that at first I am strong, knowing full well that I did nothing irrational or hurtful. Then as he text-bombs me I become weaker and start to question myself. Then I go to terrible hurt/pain that he is gone. It is anxiety, depression, weakness, all rolled into pathetic me. The cycle continues with him apologizing, or me apologizing -for what I don't know-and all is then good-until the next incident.
thus is the cycle of recycling. And it physically hurts terribly. If I could be confident that I wouldn't feel those horrible waves of sadness, I would be much more confident in making up my mind.

[getfree]

What I find happens when I am discarded is that at first I am strong, knowing full well that I did nothing irrational or hurtful. Then as he text-bombs me I become weaker and start to question myself. Then I go to terrible hurt/pain that he is gone.

allienoah

This is exactly how it used to be for me as well. For me it wasn't the contact but the first night where all the physical symptoms would come - this would make me feel that I really did love her and then I'd be wide open to the re-engagement request that would follow sooner or later.

If I could be confident that I wouldn't feel those horrible waves of sadness, I would be much more confident in making up my mind.

This reminds me of my thought process and at the risk of stating the obvious I think in reality its the other way around. If you make up your mind the sadness would still come but it wouldn't be uncontrollable. I was a total wreck when I eventually went NC and wept like a child at her last email pleading with me to contact her (I was so close but couldn't bare it).

After the NC was in full swing, however, the physical symptoms went away eventually.

[allienoah]

getfree

thank you for your understanding. I know deep down that this must come from me and I need to be confident in my decision. Allowing myself to feel the sadness is key here. I am trying to get to the point where I can accept that.

[getfree]

getfree
Allowing myself to feel the sadness is key here. I am trying to get to the point where I can accept that.

The sadness is an inevitable part of it but the sadness that comes when you've made an active decision is "better" I think then the uncontrollable sadness that can follow a discard.

The other thing to consider is, are you really happy in the relationship as it is? I suspect you are feeling sadness but not in the same way when the rage or discards come.

The first step is to truly believe you want and deserve better, that you can find it out there, but you will need to go through the necessary detachment and grieving stage.

[Roselee]

Wow... .how could it be possible that I forgot the physical pain during the relationship?  I've been so consumed on my current emotional pain now that I'm 4 months out, that I forgot the actual physical pain during! 

I used to suffer from migraines... often, and was prescribed anti-anxiety meds. My hair was falling out. I was constantly exhausted most of the day, regardless of how much I slept. When his rages would start out of the blue, I would feel like I was going to lose all bodily functions. My thought process was gone. I remember having to strain to speak a simple statement or answer one of his thousand questions of my where abouts. And because I could never finish a sentence, that was confirmation for him that I was lying. But basically it was that my brain was so twisted up with trying to make sense of his latest accusations he was drilling me with, and forever trying to explain myself!  I would have mini-anxiety attacks when he would start at me, I can remember so vividly now, how I couldn't seem to catch my breath and shake, and cry. And of course, that God awful feeling in my core ... .that feeling like someone reached in between my rib cage and took hold of what they could grab and squeezed!

Although, it's not happy thoughts... .this oddly enough has helped me today.  For that I do owe thanks for this topic being brought up, because I've been feeling terrible lately, with the thoughts of "maybe I should have tried more" or even crazier thoughts, wondering if it really was abuse that he did... .or was he just upset. I feel ashamed now that I even could think that even a little bit! Really bazaar how the brain can make ugly things not so ugly. How can I even allow myself to think like that.  When the man raged, he was MEAN, and Paranoid, and never believed anything I ever said, called me EVERY disgusting name there was and then some!

So, thank you all for snapping me out of my self-blaming thoughts, and bringing me back to what really was my reality!  I should never allow myself to forget that actual physical pain EVER AGAIN! And guess what... .I haven't had a migraine for 4 months! 

RL

[allienoah]

Roselee thank you for that. It helps to think about the migraines, panic attacks, sense of just being flummoxed to the point I can't speak, and the injury to my sense of self with the constant re-writing of history and attacks.
I wake up with stomach aches from tension, I have a stress-shake in my left hand, and my mind cannot stay focused when these situations arise. Holidays are always a nightmare and I just want to hop on a plane!
So thank you for bringing up the many physical hurts that accompany this r/s.