Feeling Guilty about What I Did Wrong: Need Helping Forgiving myself

[Ellemno]

I'm having a hard time being compassionate with myself for the things I did wrong with her. While none of them were big things, its those little ways I contributed to the drama towards the end that I am upset by. I did pretty well with boundaries at first, but when I found out she saw he ex behind my back and lied about it after she promised me she'd tell me if the girl ever reached out to her, and then demanded I be ok with them being in touch after that lying (I said she could do what she wanted, but that I wasn't ok with it bc there was already deception involved, and that had there not been, I would've been totally fine with it; I should've let it go then permanently rather than it being a break up preceding reconnection few weeks later), then all went downhill for me quickly. Was devastated and pregnant.

I am blaming myself and feeling humiliated for some of her behaviors, a left over response from my abusive childhood.

I've done such good work, and I know better, so I am embarrassed that I cut her off coldly to prevent recycling in the end, and that sometimes when I was triggered, I reacted rather than responded or walked away. I know I am human, but I am upset that I let myself act in a way that wasn't honoring of me. I was grieving the loss of my unborn baby, so I know that such grief was a factor.

I also know that I need to fully forgive myself, and that it has nothing to do with her really. But I am having a hard time. How can I be so much more compassionate to her than myself? Advice, thoughts welcome.

[Lucky Jim]

How can I be so much more compassionate to her than myself?

Hey Ellemno, that's normal for a BPD r/s.  Usually the Non caretakes the pwBPD in order to avoid caring for him/herself.  Suggest you shift the focus back to yourself.  You're human, so don't beat yourself up.  No, you did nothing wrong, or at least nothing that could have changed the outcome, in my view.  The goal is to learn to love and accept yourself, just the way you are.  If you can accomplish that, then you will have compassion for yourself, I predict.

LuckyJim

[vortex of confusion]

Having compassion for yourself can be very difficult.

One of the ways that I have been able to be more compassionate towards myself is to recognize that a lot of my bad behavior was a result of me trying to save myself. I am not sure if that makes sense or not. At some point, it became obvious that trying to ask for help/change from ex was not working. I had been so wrapped up in helping him that I wasn't taking care of myself. Like Lucky Jim said, I was taking care of him and avoiding taking care of myself. At some point, I got burnt out and recognized that I needed to take care of myself. When I tried to do that, that is when all hell broke loose and things became super toxic. The only way I could have saved the relationship was to go back to not taking care of myself so that I could take care of everyone else. I was not willing to do that so I ended the relationship.

In a healthy relationship, if one person is struggling and goes to the other, they work together to find a solution. That isn't what happened. Ex reacted in a way that was not okay. I like the way a trauma coach put it, "You were having a reaction to an abnormal situation." How is one supposed to act in such situations? There are no rule books that tell you how to act when a partner does some of the things that ex did.

I feel like I tried all of the healthy/normal approaches to no avail. At that point, I should have walked away. I didn't. I stayed and my behavior became just as bad as his because I resorted to fighting fire with fire. The fact that I had a reaction meant that I am human. I don't know too many people that wouldn't have some kind of a reaction to some of the stuff that ex did.

[joeramabeme]

I know I am human, but I am upset that I let myself act in a way that wasn't honoring of me. I was grieving the loss of my unborn baby, so I know that such grief was a factor.

Hey Ellemno - When I get stuck at these points, I sometimes ask myself the following; what would I say if a friend of mine told me this story?  Typically the answer is a whole lot different than how I am directing my own thoughts.  I see it as a little trick I play on myself as a reality check for whether or not I am being too harsh. 

What do you think?  If your story was being told to you as belonging to your friend, what would you tell them?

[Ellemno]

Thanks for the support, and perspective.

joeramabeme--good point: I would certainly be more compassionate if a friend told me this story. I would remind a friend that they are human and imperfect, and that they did the best they could in the moment, particularly under such stressful circumstances. I see I am being too harsh with myself.

I was, as vortex said, having a reaction to an abnormal situation, and thinking of it that way feels better.

LuckyJim: I agree that need to focus on me and learn to love and accept myself.

I think I need a mantra, or something like it, to remind myself to get back to me in those moments, and to be more loving with myself.