Boundary Setting Backfired - asking to stop before walking out

[breakfreerut]

Boundary setting was one thing I learnt ... when the BPD partner pushes on even I was taught to say "Stop!"  then set the limits for her that if she doesn't I'll walk out/leave for a time.

I've practiced this for 2 years now and it seems to have backfired!

Now this is what's happening:
When she pushes on even though I have told her several times to stop before walking out for a time, she'll pursue and now she'll challenge me to walk out because she now knows she'll still have a place to sleep for the night but I don't .  I have found myself in this cowardly position as a result of what I've learnt and practiced with setting limits and boundaries.  It doesn't work.  I seemed to work at the beginning as time went on but after 2 years to walking out she now says to me "LEAVE GET OUT!"

I feel like as though this practice has backfired because now I'm having to suffer sleeping on the streets at night in the car while she has the comfy bed all to herself which is what she wants.  This practice is now not serving the purpose.

So I've changed my strategy to stay and either fight or keep silent.  But this still doesn't work because she will try to provoke more anger by throwing things, smashing my things, tearing things up, threatening and continuing her demeaning, violent outrage, and belittling me to satisfy herself.

What do I do now?
I'm clueless, can someone please help?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

I think you have boundaries and limits confused.

A boundary is NOT to set limits for HER. A boundary is there to protect YOU. It is in the form of "when yo do X, I don't like that - so I will protect MYSELF by doing Y for MYSELF".

So if she is yelling/abusive, you leave. You are not asking her to do anything. You are retaining all power for yourself - YOU control your own actions.

If you have the boundary "if you yell/abusive then i will leave", but you have nowhere to go, that is really your problem. The boundary does protect you, so it is effective. Remember you are not trying to change her or punish her - you are just protecting yourself.

If you are trying to punish her or make her change - that is different, and very difficult, and is done with different tools.

[ArleighBurke]

So please tell me then, if I go out and you say I have no where to go "that's my problem" 

Sorry, this comment probably came across the wrong way. Living with anyone is all aboru compromise. You are choosing to stay with her - which is good. But if you need to leave to look after yourself, then you are making that decision because it's better than staying. If you have no where to go, you have still decided that nowhere is better than being at home. You are choosing to take care of yourself - and that is good. If you truely have nowhere: what about a local shop that's open all hours (MacDonalds?). If you need to sleep - can you sleep in the car? Or a good friend's couch?

OK then, what about my question about it backfires because she WANTs to see me leave?  So she throws tantrums to FORCE me out because when she realizes about my boundary to go out.

It doesn't "backfire" - you are leaving to protect yourself from whatever the cause. You are leaving because YOU CHOOSE TO. If she starts having a tantrum and being violent just to make you leave, well she's still being violent. So leave! If you think she's bluffing then there is no threat so you'd stay. But if you have a grudge because you feel she's manipuating you, remember she had BPD and that's expected!
You can:
- Live with it and complain and fight it
- Live with it and accept it as the price of living with her
- Live with it and work to try to change her/you
- Leave

You have the choice.

[Grey Kitty]

One thing about enforcing boundaries against abuse is that it is somewhat like an arms race, as you've noticed.

As you don't have a place outside the house/apartment to sleep when you flee to get peace.

Unfortunately, you are correct that she's "figured it out" that she can provoke you to leaving, and doesn't really have consequences besides being alone, and you get a miserable night out of it.

If you want things to change, it is up to you to change the game. There are a couple things you can do.

Try to find a reasonable place to spend the night, preferably ahead of time. Ask a friend, family member, or coworker you trust: "I'm having trouble at home, and might need a couch to crash on some night. Can I call you for that, and if so, how late can I call?" You might have some luck with a domestic violence shelter, although those are often just for women and children... .Call anyways; they might have resources for you.

Have a place (or better yet more than one) you can crash. Have things in your car you might need like a change of clothes, toothbrush, phone charger, emergency cash, etc. so you can go on short notice.

That's relatively low impact, and it might do the job.

Moving out is a longer term and more drastic option. But if you cannot feel safe at home, it is time to find a new place to stay. Who is on the lease/mortgage where you live? It is much easier to move out yourself than to force somebody else to move out, but either is possible.

[breakfreerut]

If you truely have nowhere: what about a local shop that's open all hours (MacDonalds?). If you need to sleep - can you sleep in the car? Or a good friend's couch?

This is exactly what I mean by her manipulating me to get out of the house.  She knows the game.  I've been sleeping in the car before and have been practicing this for 2 years.  then realised that she's actually doing it TO kick me out!

So whenever I do this, I'm actually feeding her manipulative schemes.  Just doesn't work.
You may call it "to protect myself" but for how long?  I'm not actually protecting myself, I'm actually hurting myself and aggravating my already degenerated spine by sleeping in the car.

[Grey Kitty]

What you describe:

Picking a fight and provoking you so you will go sleep in your car, and she gets to sleep in a comfy bed, with the consequence that it damages your spine!

That to me sounds worse than what is normal or typical of BPD behavior, and sounds truly abusive.

I'm normally one to suggest tools to improve a BPD r/s and do the best you can to make things work, but in that situation, perhaps you should consider ending it and moving out permanently. That might be the only way to protect yourself.